We have some universal aphorisms among the Circus circle of friends. For the most part, they are ironclad, disciplinary facts, untouchable truths that none of us will dispute. Things like "M.E. is a tool" and "Lance is a douchebag" and "Steve Status is not a douchebag" and "Schmee has very nice boobs" and "Rassles is the chillest and the illest piece of sweetness around and she deserves all of our respect and cashmoney." *
But here's the crazy shit: Steve Status was kind of a douchebag this weekend at Novo's birthday. It's like my entire belief system is crumbling all around me. He was even wearing one of those button up Dude Shirts with like the strategically swirly silver designs, and he put gel in his hair.
Schmee informed me that Status has always been kind of a douchebag. Touche.
This isn't fucking Scrote-lympics, Status. I understand that we do not hang out very often, but I'm disappointed in you.
So, Status: next time Jackson decides to kick holes in the Hyatt walls and piss down the hallway, LET THE COPS TAKE HIM AWAY. We don't want that guy around anyway, because he does dirtbag shit (like kicking holes in walls and pissing in hallways). That's why we always say "Jackson is a fucking dirtbag" and I get mad when he stands next to me.
We're not in college. This isn't fucking Nam. Sure, in a Deadliest Warrior Stand-Off between Status and Jackson...I'd like to say Status would emerge victorious, even though I get the feeling that Status is lead by self-appointed drunken chivalry that borders on tricky dickhead, and I don't like that. But Jackson is a dirty dirty dirtbag, beyond redemption, always creeping through that existential void of charmless scumbaggery.
Also: Stop asking me for advice on your love lives, guys. It's not my fault Stablin's best game is howling "baby" at hoodrats and rocking an unbuttoned shirt exposing his pasty-ass chest. Status, if your girlfriend of four months is cheating on you with other girls and you're uncomfortable with it you should ask her to stop or break up with her, even though it was cool at first. Lance, yes, you are a douchebag. Especially with your shirt off. Stop dry humping people in their sleep. No, I do not want to see whatever you're hiding beneath the sheets, go back to taking advantage of unfortunate young coeds.
I haven't seen them in nearly two years, and nothing has changed. It's still, "Dude, Ross, I need to talk to you about something, I'm so glad you're here. Moe licked my nipple. What do I do about that?"
Still, I'm glad I got to hang out two weeks in a row. There are few things better than people who are genuinely happy to see you. I miss those guys.
* In retrospect, I could have some of those words jumbled and/or erroneous in that last statement. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just made that up off the top of my head. It's alarmingly accurate in its elegance and simplicity, agreed? I propose, to all that are involved in making such decisions, that we change the current gospel that everyone says about me to whatever I typed up there.
I know what you're all going to say, though. Because it's the same thing you always goddamn say.
"Shut up, Rassles. You don't know anything."
Oh, and for the record: Jackson is not my friend. He didn't go to school with me. He's a tag-a-long: A friend of a friend who has nothing better to do than piss everyone off.