Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Aphoristic Truths

We have some universal aphorisms among the Circus circle of friends. For the most part, they are ironclad, disciplinary facts, untouchable truths that none of us will dispute. Things like "M.E. is a tool" and "Lance is a douchebag" and "Steve Status is not a douchebag" and "Schmee has very nice boobs" and "Rassles is the chillest and the illest piece of sweetness around and she deserves all of our respect and cashmoney." *

But here's the crazy shit: Steve Status was kind of a douchebag this weekend at Novo's birthday. It's like my entire belief system is crumbling all around me. He was even wearing one of those button up Dude Shirts with like the strategically swirly silver designs, and he put gel in his hair.

Schmee informed me that Status has always been kind of a douchebag. Touche.

This isn't fucking Scrote-lympics, Status. I understand that we do not hang out very often, but I'm disappointed in you.

So, Status: next time Jackson decides to kick holes in the Hyatt walls and piss down the hallway, LET THE COPS TAKE HIM AWAY. We don't want that guy around anyway, because he does dirtbag shit (like kicking holes in walls and pissing in hallways). That's why we always say "Jackson is a fucking dirtbag" and I get mad when he stands next to me.

We're not in college. This isn't fucking Nam. Sure, in a Deadliest Warrior Stand-Off between Status and Jackson...I'd like to say Status would emerge victorious, even though I get the feeling that Status is lead by self-appointed drunken chivalry that borders on tricky dickhead, and I don't like that. But Jackson is a dirty dirty dirtbag, beyond redemption, always creeping through that existential void of charmless scumbaggery.

Also: Stop asking me for advice on your love lives, guys. It's not my fault Stablin's best game is howling "baby" at hoodrats and rocking an unbuttoned shirt exposing his pasty-ass chest. Status, if your girlfriend of four months is cheating on you with other girls and you're uncomfortable with it you should ask her to stop or break up with her, even though it was cool at first. Lance, yes, you are a douchebag. Especially with your shirt off. Stop dry humping people in their sleep. No, I do not want to see whatever you're hiding beneath the sheets, go back to taking advantage of unfortunate young coeds.

I haven't seen them in nearly two years, and nothing has changed. It's still, "Dude, Ross, I need to talk to you about something, I'm so glad you're here. Moe licked my nipple. What do I do about that?"

Still, I'm glad I got to hang out two weeks in a row. There are few things better than people who are genuinely happy to see you. I miss those guys.

...

* In retrospect, I could have some of those words jumbled and/or erroneous in that last statement. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just made that up off the top of my head. It's alarmingly accurate in its elegance and simplicity, agreed? I propose, to all that are involved in making such decisions, that we change the current gospel that everyone says about me to whatever I typed up there.

I know what you're all going to say, though. Because it's the same thing you always goddamn say.

"Shut up, Rassles. You don't know anything."

...

Oh, and for the record: Jackson is not my friend. He didn't go to school with me. He's a tag-a-long: A friend of a friend who has nothing better to do than piss everyone off.

...

22 comments:

Nikki B. said...

i hate those dudes who are "dirty dirty dirtbags, beyond redemption, creeping through the existential void of charmless scumbaggery." HATE THEM!

but, i fucking LOVE YOU for writing that sentence!! FUCKING BRILLIANCE!!

i love reading your shit, even though it makes me feel less than...and kinda makes me want to quit blogging because i can't fucking put words together anywhere near as cool as you can!!!!!!

Red said...

I don't have a Posse. Especially not where I live. When I go home, we kinda have a posse-esque thing just if you put together my 2 brothers, me, my best friend and my brother's best friend. (That apostrophe is in the right place; only one of my brothers has a best friend who's like one of us.)

But in NYC, one of my friends still hangs with a bunch of our guys from college. She was tighter with them in college than I was, and so she's stayed buds with them. It's fun to hear the stories. And at least one of them is a dirty, dirty dirtbag and always has been.

Mia Watts said...

The odd thing is, it doesn't even sound like you. The post, that is. Except it's all clever and well written which is you and kind of negates what I just said.

Last time I saw my friends, one tried to steal my man, another was a scary skeleton woman, one guy was in the US illegally, another was born-again, and a third guy wanted to hook up with me because the girlfriend who reminded him of me, wasn't me. Lovely. I checked out fast.

Ha! Verification: preworm

Definition: Me, pre-reunion.

Rassles said...

You know, Mia? It depends on my mood. Right now I'm riled and not feeling sorry for myself.

I like this me better than sad, whiney me.

Mia Watts said...

I like you no matter how you are. You make sense (okay unless you're drunk at which point not so much sense happening) and show spunk.

And really, do you ever whine? I think you're too pragmatic to be whiney.

Blues said...

Man, I miss my college friends. I miss being able to hate on them. Now too much time has passed and the teasing my not go over as well.

Erin said...

I haven't had a solid group for a long, long time. I miss that trouble.

Le Meems said...

I am a friend switcher.

After college, I realized I had many, many interests. And as MY good man friend from College always says

"Melissa has the energy of 3 lumberjacks"


And I have to friend switch all the time to give people time off to sleep and stuff.

Like Ambiguous. I have hung out with her two weekends in a row. We effing rock it.

This coming weekend I'm hanging with my butcher friend and artsy friends.

Next weekend, I dunno. Maybe my motorcycle riding friends.

I guess what I'm saying is that friend switching allows me to have the good stuff on a rotational basis.

I'm much too grown-up now for one regular group. As much as I loved that when I was younger. Piss drunk and staggering.

Besides I embarrass the shit out of myself constantly. So friend switching diminishes the effect...

Kono said...

was it Evan Dando who said "hate your friends", i myself avoid humanity, it's easier, i'm very congenial if i'm on the next barstool but after that not so much, i have one friend and he lives 5000 miles away, it's easier that way.

Tabbie. Like Cabbie, with a T. said...

Good friends that you can connect with like no time has passed is incredible. Even when sometimes you don't have much in common anymore.

True friends will love you longtime even when you embarrass yourself terribly. But not to the point of peeing in hallways and smashing holes in walls.

As to Meems giving her friends a break... I would gladly hang out with her on the daily- tutu and champagne at 9am and all.

Thanatos said...

You have funny friends.

Also, I hate it when other guys in my group wear shirts. I'm all black tee and blue jeans and these bastards show up in fancy Express for men shiny shirts.

renalfailure said...

What's the point in dry humping people who are asleep? You can't see the horror in their eyes when you do it then.

Gwen said...

"Dude, Ross, I need to talk to you about something, I'm so glad you're here. Moe licked my nipple. What do I do about that?" - I miss being asked questions like that. I also miss nipples, but that's a whole other story.

I think you deserve all respect and cashmoney. If I think it, then it makes it true. At least in my own little, weird world.

sid said...

Some licked your nipple, what do you do about it? Erm say thank you, duh!

Ellie said...

Must give cashmoney to Rassles. *Wonders if she takes paypal.*

Gypsy said...

This has nothing to do with anything, but I want you to know -- officially -- that this may be the year of Teen Wolf, but next year? Next year is the year of Clash of the Titans (remake 2010).

hereinfranklin said...

My college friends are scattered...truth be known, I don't know where any of them are, save one or too. Of course, I'm a lot older than you. But I remember those drunken, drug-filled days and nights. Well, I think I remember them.

daisyfae said...

i may have to start calling my posse "Circus of Friends"... that's about right...

Schmee said...

I have very nice boobs. Hah. The funny thing is that Status was definitely always a douchebag and I think the only reason we started saying he wasn't a douchebag was because last time he hung out he willingly watched the entire Augie Memories video without a complaint. We pretty much think that anyone who pays attention to us for a solid four hours deserves non-douchebag status. HAH! get it? STATUS?? fkal;sfk;d

Bobbay said...

I missed all of this because I was too busy teleporting to a different city with some douchebag guys that I met at the bar. But I'm glad that I met up with you in the parking lot, even though I'm sure I was talking nonsense.

A Free Man said...

This...

Stop asking me for advice on your love lives, guys. It's not my fault Stablin's best game is howling "baby" at hoodrats and rocking an unbuttoned shirt exposing his pasty-ass chest. Status, if your girlfriend of four months is cheating on you with other girls and you're uncomfortable with it you should ask her to stop or break up with her, even though it was cool at first. Lance, yes, you are a douchebag. Especially with your shirt off. Stop dry humping people in their sleep. No, I do not want to see whatever you're hiding beneath the sheets, go back to taking advantage of unfortunate young coeds.

...is a great fucking paragraph. And you've one an award for the most effusive use of the word douchebag in a blog post.

Rassles said...

Nikki: I know, right? The "I'm not racist, but that guy..." or "That girl looks like she wants to get raped tonight." Oh my god, shivers.

Red: I'm going to add this up there, too, but Dirtbag is not my friend, he didn't go to school with us, and none of us have ever, ever liked him except Clay, who went to high school with the guy. But you know what you should do, sans Posse? Make one.

Mia: Don't you love reuniting, though? Man, I totally do.

Me: Get on with your bad self.

Mia 2.0: YAY.

Blues: I've found that mockery is nearly always appreciated.

Erin: Oddly, I've got several. It depends on what town I'm in. Damn, I never thought about that: bitch, I got hoes up in all the area codes.

Meems: You know what? Same here. It's like I've got ten or eleven distinct Posses scattered around Chicagoland. But all of them are piss-drunk and staggering good times.

Kono: First, hello! And second, I couldn't do that. I couldn't just have no one. I'm far too socially needy.

Tabbie: What, you don't want to be Ambiblob anymore? Fine. Tabbie it is. Here's the thing: we used to do stuff like that to people who pissed us off. Fucking eight years ago. Now? At the fucking Hyatt? Dirtbag.

Thanny: I hate shirts too.

RF: Exactly. The look of disgust and shame is half the fun. Stupid Lance.

Gwen: Cash. Money.

Sid: Exactly what I said.

Ellie: No paypal, but if you've got an envelope and some stamps, I got a muthahfuckin' address, beeeyotch.

Gypsy: I HEARD ABOUT THAT. You are completely correct. Next year is going to be Greek Mythology revival. We should start talking about it now to get ahead of the game. Okay: Everyone needs to read Ovid.

Franklin: I remember them, and I cherish every single blushing, drunken moment. Scattering is inevitable, but for now...I can't let go.

Daisy: Long as you give credit where it's due, because the Circus is my jam.

Schmee: But see, I never knew pre-not-a-dbag Status. Because I didn't remember him at all, and then he was in my video all the time, and he would point himself out saying, "There I am. See? We used to hang out all the time." I had no idea.

Bobbay: Yeah, seriously, you need to be more careful about whose BMW you climb into next time. That guy's name was Deck. Fucking Deck? Seriously? Speaking of which, how'd that blind date go?

Freeman: You hear that world? I am effusive.