Thursday, June 18, 2009

I know, but I don't know, you know?

It's not about being corporate, it's not about suits, it's not about conforming. It's about me, figuring out what I want to do, how I want to live. There's no path. It's all wandering.

Wandering is one thing I've always been good at. It's on my list. I can prove it.

And I know there's nothing wrong with that, but I don't know, you know?

Yes. I know wandering is all right for a life. But I'm still learning to accept the all-right-ness of it. I know I don't need that lifelong job of same, and I don't want one.

It's just kind of scary when I know that's what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life. Wandering. Small goals. I don't want to spin it into something romantic or enlightened, because I don't believe it is. I'm not fucking Chris McCandless. Life isn't a journey, it just is. You take what's important to you and that's your Gold, it's not theirs, and honestly? I don't even care that much for gold. Laughing is far more becoming.

But hey, I'm standing up for the Suits right now: I've got friends who are suits, and they're the opposite of drones. Keifer and Emo got that down: Your job only defines you if you let it, and if you define yourself as an accountant, well...then you go and you fucking account for stuff, and you make sure that all stuff is accounted for like you're jones-in' for a raise.

Also: a Lego architect is still a fucking architect.

Furthermore: check out my blatant colon abuse, transversing sentences of all varieties.

Ohhhh....sometimes puns hurt.

I have yet to be accounted for, but I will figure it out. I'm allowed to vent. I understand you guys are just trying to let me know that being me is okay, but I've known that for awhile.

Right now, I need to find a goal. I'm not just going to flail around. Hopefully. I've never really liked interpretive dance. I prefer dance as a literal narrative.

So, what I'm saying is...I guess...thanks.



Le Meems said...

I wandered for ooooh so long, Rassles. I taught entemology in Vermont. I worked for Schwab in SF. Piper Jaffrey in NYC. A winery in SLO. A radio station. I lived in a victorian house, an apartment. With friends. With craigslisters. Alone. With boyfriend. Without boyfriend.
Sometimes I'm a blonde. Sometimes I'm red.

I like to cook. I like to learn.

so ... one day the lightbulb went off.

Your lightbulb will go off and when it does you'll long for the wandering and aimlessness. For the life that is.
For the unaccountable.

Gypsy said...

I have no concern whatsoever that you won't figure it out and lead a life that will make you proud. None.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

Not all of us who wander are lost. :)

I think if I weren't taking my conscious living classes, I'd probably freak out. But now I have a goal- taking the next class. Probably cheaper than therapy too.

I think those who go through this shit are some of the most interesting people I know.

Anonymous said...

"Not all of us who wander are lost."

Ditto . . .

Blues said...

Oh Rassles. I know.

Don't let those puns get you in the ass.

Erin said...

Does exploring sound better than wandering? Well, you're a good explorer.

Mrs. Booms said...

I've spent my whole adulthood flopping from job to job. And then suddenly, without notice, I landed. It was weird and unexpected.

Eh, my word ver is oringtan. That's mostly awesome.

But as awesome as your imaginary kid with the AK47, I'd slap the shit out of that kid though.

rien magazine said...

yer welcome.

American in Sydney said...

In Australia most kids take a "gap year" between high school and whatever else is going to be their "next step"-- the gap year is spent traveling-- hmmm, maybe you could say it's the old finding yourself thingamabob. Maybe you need to actually go wander-- as in far and wide-- to decide what your next is??

Unless of course you've already done all that-- then you should probably just wallow in what the hell am I doing with my life some more-- it will eventually come to you. Or not.

Oh, oh, make brownies-- that usually solves EVERYTHING.

Ginny said...

Colon abuse. Tee hee.

Del-V said...

I fell ass-backwards into an awesome job that I never expected, in a field I knew nothing about and for a company I only knew by name. Not bad for a guy who didn't know what he wanted to do. It'll happen to you too as long as you don't sit still.

American in Sydney said...

Actually my experience was exactly like Del-V's, that's why my motto is, "Life is unpredictable". Jeez, I'm corny.

Mia Watts said...

"if you define yourself as an accountant, well...then you go and you fucking account for stuff"


Rass, I'm still on your ass to write a book. You'd write a fucking awesome book while you wander.

Gwen said...

I am 34 and still wandering. And somedays it feels like I'm wandering in an endless desert with no food and no water. It sucks. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. But I'm too afraid of myself, to paralyzed with fear and indecision to even try. It really sucks. You're still so young. And you're brilliant. I don't have any doubts that you will acheive greatness. I don't know how much that's worth coming from the likes of me. But there it is.

Ellie said...

All been summed up here pretty nicely.

Having a goal isn't mutually exclusive with wandering ... goals are good. So is flexibility. x, e

A Free Man said...

I did a lot of wandering. Now that I've stopped physically wandering, my mind wanders. I think some of us are just wanderers and that's the way it fucking is.

Wanderers can still make a decent living - see circus folk and gypsies - we just have to find our niche. I did. Good luck with that.