Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I Was On Fire This Weekend, Figuratively Speaking.

"Excuse me," I slide up to the gentlemen at the bar. I'm like butter. "I couldn't help but overhear that, uh, you guys were having a conversation. Might I join?"

They stop talking and turn to look at me. Turn to each other, one motion, then back at me, amused and trying to hold back surprised chuckles. I'm deadpan and drunk as all hell, and focused on keeping my eyes naturally wide and innocent, but I probably look like some drunk girl focused on keeping her eyes wide and innocent, and it's fucking brilliant.

"Really? Did you just say that?"

I tilt, like a bird. "Say what?"

"That. Is. Awesome. Yes," the first guy snickers. I name him Hat Guy in my brain, and he offers me a beer-spilling cheers, "Yes, yes, you can join in on our conversation."

"How come we never thought of that?" the second guy (I have named him Ginger by now) says to Hat Guy as he sips his beer.

"Because I am on fire today," I explain, "you guys have like, no idea how awesome I am today. Go on. Ask me how awesome I am."

"How awesome are you?" they're in unison, and it's funny.

I smile, and I'm butter again. "Very."

"Okay, that's fair," Hat Guy smiles.

"I'm convinced," Ginger adds.

I take a sip of my beer. "I am so awesome," I clap my hand on Hat Guy's shoulder, "that I just invented the best pick-up line ever, because it's not just a pick-up line, it's a test." I nod at them, knowingly, willing them to understand.

It takes a few seconds. They're befuddled, slightly, and Hat Guy starts to come around. "Oh, because if we think it's funny..."

"Then you are also awesome."

"So you're picking us up?" Ginger won't look at me. Look at me, Ginger, or I will make you look at me.

"Oh, psssh, no," I'm smug and drunk, and my feet slip on the floor behind their barstools, "they just dared me to talk to you guys and I was all, 'fucking watch this, bitches, I'm like a social butterfly' and I said the first thing that came to mind. By the way, I don't know if you guys saw that, but I totally just almost slipped and fell right there, and then you guys would have had to pick up pieces of my face."

They laugh. "I like you," Ginger nods.

Hat Guy agrees. "Yeah, I like her, too."

Duh. "Duh. I'm like a genius or something."

"Or something. What's your name?"

We exchange names, and I forget theirs instantly. They are Hat Guy and Ginger.

"So, Rassles, what're you drinking?" Hat Guy asks.

"PBR. Are you buying me a beer? You are excellent."

Ginger turns to me. "So, you're a genius, right? You said that?"

I nod very seriously.

"Plus, you have good pick up lines," Ginger says.

"Plus that, and then multiply it by awesome."

"So your friends told you to talk to us," Hat Guy affirms.

"Yup." I wave my hand towards the corner and and grab the back of his chair. "Over there. Back corner. I'm glad I did--you guys are fun."

Hat Guy smiles and ponders for a moment while he hands me my beer. "I'm gonna go talk to them." He stands up. "You don't mind?"

"Go nuts, Hat Guy."

He laughs, marching over to their table.

"Be nice! Some of them are from Canada," I yell after him. Turn to Ginger. "So seriously, what were you guys talking about?"



Mrs. Booms said...

And they would have anyone other that US write snappy dialogue, for anything let alone Teen Wolf?

Yeah, fuck "they".

What were you talking about?

Oh right, awesome.

I'm still stuck on the word awesomosity you created in the last post.

Pretty sure it's getting tattooed on something, sometime soon.

Mrs. Booms said...

Oh I mean, "than US"... That US made no sense.

Carry on.

Mrs. Booms said...

Oh, just one more thing, because I'm pah-retty sure you mean for this whole area to be solely devoted to my awesomosity. I need to learn to spell that word.

I heard Juke Box Hero on Sunday and I danced, I danced hard. I air punched and rocked the world so freaking hard that no one but me and now you, know about how fucking hard something can be rocked.

Did that make sense? Good.

And it was all for you. And mostly for me and my need to rock. But you know, all. For. You.

M. said...

Holy shit this is so fucking cool, it makes me want to be your friend like right now.

Also, is it just me, or do those guys just sound hot? I think it's cuz I like confidence. And they sounded confident. Or maybe you made them sound confident Damn dude. Damn.

rien magazine said...

Cool but... it's times like these we're glad we're asexual.

OneZenMom said...

I can't decide if I would prefer to go out drinking with you or to be the object of your not-a-pick-up-lines. Either way? Awesomeness would surely ensue.

renalfailure said...

Looks like someone earned their Tag Larkin merit badge that night.

Logical Libby said...

Learning that pick up line makes me wish I was still single. Or willing to cheat on my husband. Or teaching under priviledged children how to get laid.

Heidi said...

You are indeed awesome. I feel cool just reading your posts. Love it!

Nikki B. said...

see, your awesom...osity, is it? well, it RADIATES from you...it POURS from you. everyone sees it.

and it sounds like when you're drunk as hell, it spills forth like niagra fucking falls!

la isla d'lisa said...

That? Kicked major pick-up-line ass.

Plus it was just plain funny.

Gwen said...

I sort of like Ginger for you. But you are probably too good for him.

A Free Man said...

'Some of them are from Canada.'

I ran into a guy down here recently who hates Canadians - seriously. Despises the whole nation and its mild-mannered citizenry. Usually they (the furriners) hate us Americans, but this guy had a real hard-on for Canucks. He never did explain why.

Sid said...

Rassles my dear, you have just revolutionised my world!

Anonymous said...

Too funny

Diary of Why said...

I want to walk in your shoes for a night.

Ellie said...

No one could be awesomer.

And they do seem pretty cool. A lot of guys would wither in the brightness of such awesoministy.

Sarah said...

Getting drunk with you, is on my list of awesome things to do.

Schmee said...

ummm so what the hell happened after that?? nothing awesome since you didn't write about it? or is it another cliff hanger with more awesomeness to come?

Erin said...

I'm proud to know you on the Internet, and yet that totally doesn't seem like enough.

You rock.

Chris said...

Shoulda made Ginger and Hat fight each other for you.

Chris said...

Nothing multiplies awesomeness like beer. I'm surprised those guys didn't have to put on sunglasses.

Gypsy said...

I hope this story has a second and maybe a third part because right now I'm continuing the story in my head and it includes Ginger being really hot for you. There might be some Air Supply in the background of my story, but don't hold that against me.

Le Meems said...

"So you're picking us up?" Ginger won't look at me. Look at me, Ginger, or I will make you look at me.

My favorite line of the whole thing.

So Rassles, what would have done? To make them look at you?

Del-V said...

...so what were they talking about?

Hedon said...

You are definitly a truck-load full of awesome.

Rassles said...

Boomer: Usually when I rock the fuck out to JBH, it's all for me as well.

Mae: I don't remember if the were hot. I just remember what was on the tops of their heads. A hat and red hair. And they had deep voices, and laughed a lot. Good people.

K and E: Life would be easier without the urge.

Zen: No one wants to be the object of my pick up lines. It takes a very, very, very forgiving mindset, and the ability to be offending by almost nothing.

RF: Sometimes, it's like I ate him for breakfast.

Libby: I hate to break it to you, but lines like that totally don't get you laid. They make you a friend.

Heidi: Well jeepers. Thanks.

Nikki: Awesomosity, yes. Waterfalls, yes.

Lisa: Funny is what I was going for. I think.

Gwen: Yeah, not really. He's never seen Goonies, and he "doesn't really like movies much" so I punched his shoulder and called him a fucktard. And THAT is why I am single.

Freeman: People from Canada think they're all easy-going and laid back, but they take shit personally, man.

Sid: Goal of the day fulfilled.

Nurse: Sometimes, I am hilare.

Diaryofwhy: Why?

Ellie: I like that. They would wither in my brightness. That explains the usual uneasiness and apathy.

Sarah: Getting drunk with me is on the list of my things to do as well. Oh, look at that. Goal accomplished. I could get drunk with you too, sure.

Schmee: You know me. Nothing happened. We talked about movies and then I walked home and passed out.

Erin: I wish people could say stuff like that in real life.

Chris: Well, that would be ideal. And then I could be all, "Guys, guys...no need to fight. There is plenty of Rassles to go around." And then they'd laugh and be like, "Oh, we're not fighting over you, we just like to touch each other" and then they would make out, and I would feel dejected.

Other Chris: Well, one guy did need a hat.

Gypsy: Alas, no. My life doesn't work like that, unfortunately.

Meems: Um, I probably would have said, "Dude, are you afraid to look at me or something? I know, I know. Scary right?" (I am not smooth.)

Del-V: Something about their friend on a roof or something. I don't remember. It was boring, and I made them change subjects.

Hedon: Well, thank you. Like a Dogde Ram full of awesome, or like, a semi? Because I like to think semi.

Blues said...

"I couldn't help but overhear that, uh, you guys were having a conversation. Might I join?"

That might be the best line that anyone has ever said to anyone in a bar.

Why fuck around?

The Daily Rant said...

Hedon meant like a semi...because she drives one. Like I do. And I also agree...you are a damn truckload full of awesome.