I don't know if you've heard, because this is like, hot off the press business, but last night a new trend hit the streets. Nevermind, of course you haven't heard yet, because I invented it due to my massive Awesome. I start trends and stuff like every day.
So it's not really a trend so much as a stupid fucking nerd game that I'm playing with myself, but whatever. You are going to love it. Or perhaps, this will be a turning point on my blog, where everyone realizes that I am completely and totally full of shit and a waste of space and time, atmospherically, dimensionally, and interwebically.
Whatever. Any statement I put forth must be regarded as fact. This is predicated almost entirely by my infallible insight, obsession with Harry Potter, and a deep, unrivaled understanding of American History. And because I just finished watching the HBO John Adams miniseries which basically makes me a Fucking Expert In Everything.
I've spent the past twelve hours figuratively placing former US presidents in Hogwarts Houses.
It. Is. Way. Fun.
But if you lack that rumbling, volcanic desire the place every single person you meet in personality and social categories, you probably don't give a shit. But I do that. I'm like the human Sorting Hat. I meet you, and within my brain you are immediately assigned a color, an animal personality, a Hogwarts House, a walk song. A smell. Then everyone is filed and cross-referenced. In my brain.
Apparently, I like saying "brain."
For example, let's take Schmee. Violet, sea lion, Hufflepuff, "Rio" by Duran Duran, and giggles. She is also very shiny. Yeah, Schmee, you smell and sound like giggles. Get over it.
Sometimes, people get confused and offended when I talk about how they smell and sound, so I don't do that anymore. Except around M.E., she gets it. Because it's not like, "Hey, you smell like garlic, did you eat spaghetti?" it's like, "You sound blue-ish, but not in a sad way, in a color way" and then I have to explain what blue sounds like, and do you know how hard that is? It looks like how cilantro and secrets smell, and tennis balls and just-about-to-snow. Sometimes people sound like colors that are unscented, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Task at hand: Presidents and Hogwarts Houses. Essentially, this is the most fun my head has had in weeks.
So like, Obama, Jefferson? Bush the first? Ravenclaw.
Both Roosevelts? Truman? Andrew Jackson? Gryffindor. (Now, now, I know we don't all like Jackson for that shit he pulled with the Trail of Tears, but if we're going to base all of our presidents' valor and bravery off of how they treated the Native Americans, every single president up until Carter...okay, every. single. president. would be considered evil).
Nixon? McKinley? Clinton? Slytherin.
Reagan? Polk? Ford? Hufflepuff.
Awwwwww yeah. I got shit down. I am one cool motherfucker. Self-high-five.