Thursday, July 16, 2009

Proof That I'm Immature and a Total Nerd

I don't know if you've heard, because this is like, hot off the press business, but last night a new trend hit the streets. Nevermind, of course you haven't heard yet, because I invented it due to my massive Awesome. I start trends and stuff like every day.

So it's not really a trend so much as a stupid fucking nerd game that I'm playing with myself, but whatever. You are going to love it. Or perhaps, this will be a turning point on my blog, where everyone realizes that I am completely and totally full of shit and a waste of space and time, atmospherically, dimensionally, and interwebically.

Whatever. Any statement I put forth must be regarded as fact. This is predicated almost entirely by my infallible insight, obsession with Harry Potter, and a deep, unrivaled understanding of American History. And because I just finished watching the HBO John Adams miniseries which basically makes me a Fucking Expert In Everything.

I've spent the past twelve hours figuratively placing former US presidents in Hogwarts Houses.

It. Is. Way. Fun.

But if you lack that rumbling, volcanic desire the place every single person you meet in personality and social categories, you probably don't give a shit. But I do that. I'm like the human Sorting Hat. I meet you, and within my brain you are immediately assigned a color, an animal personality, a Hogwarts House, a walk song. A smell. Then everyone is filed and cross-referenced. In my brain.

Apparently, I like saying "brain."

For example, let's take Schmee. Violet, sea lion, Hufflepuff, "Rio" by Duran Duran, and giggles. She is also very shiny. Yeah, Schmee, you smell and sound like giggles. Get over it.

Sometimes, people get confused and offended when I talk about how they smell and sound, so I don't do that anymore. Except around M.E., she gets it. Because it's not like, "Hey, you smell like garlic, did you eat spaghetti?" it's like, "You sound blue-ish, but not in a sad way, in a color way" and then I have to explain what blue sounds like, and do you know how hard that is? It looks like how cilantro and secrets smell, and tennis balls and just-about-to-snow. Sometimes people sound like colors that are unscented, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Task at hand: Presidents and Hogwarts Houses. Essentially, this is the most fun my head has had in weeks.

So like, Obama, Jefferson? Bush the first? Ravenclaw.

Both Roosevelts? Truman? Andrew Jackson? Gryffindor. (Now, now, I know we don't all like Jackson for that shit he pulled with the Trail of Tears, but if we're going to base all of our presidents' valor and bravery off of how they treated the Native Americans, every single president up until Carter...okay, every. single. president. would be considered evil).

Nixon? McKinley? Clinton? Slytherin.

Reagan? Polk? Ford? Hufflepuff.

Awwwwww yeah. I got shit down. I am one cool motherfucker. Self-high-five.



Blues said...

You totally get a high five from me, because who am I to leave a high five hanging across the interwebs? But shit, I'm afraid I can't play because I've never read Harry Potter (*crouches down in shame*).

But I love how you compartmentalize shit and I love that you think blue is "cilantro and secrets and tennis balls and just-about-to-snow" because that just makes complete sense.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

Wait, what about Bush the second?

Rassles said...

He's tricky. I can't decide between Hufflepuff and Slytherin. Clinton was tricky too, but then MoLinder had the smarts to point out that he is, in fact, Slick Willy, and therefore is ambitious, devious and slippery.

OneZenMom said...

Oh my bob. *braingasm* That is so awesomely nerdy. I love it. :)

formerly fun said...

What are you??

renalfailure said...

I will keep this categorization spree in mind if I ever meet you in person.

A Facebook quiz told me I'm in Slytherin.

Ellie said...

I think it's unfair to put Clinton in Slytherin. He is slippery, but he's not evil. Not like the 2nd. I think the 2nd might even be He Who Cannot be Named (or Whose Name Cannot be Said) or whatever ... I'm just avoiding it because I'm not sure if I'll spell it correctly. Yes, George Bush 2 is Voldemort. It all makes sense now.

Rassles said...

But Slytherin doesn't equate with evil. Clinton was a good leader and a good liar, and he was charming and crazy ambitious. Seriously, out of courage, intelligence, loyalty, and ambition, which one best suits the guy?

Red said...

See, this is a great idea, but I'm not unbiased enough to do it. I can see why you'd say Slick Willy is Slytherin, and yet my antipathy towards Slytherin runs so deep that I probably wouldn't put a single Democrat there.

Ellie - I'm gonna have to disagree because he's not smart enough. I'd put him in Slytherin; he's way too evil for Hufflepuff.

Ross, two thumbs up on Obama being in Ravenclaw.

I totally have a bumper sticker that says "Republicans for Voldemort." 'cause I'm a little bit awesome myself.

Rassles said...

See, I take this shit way too seriously. I'm currently undergoing serious emotional trauma on where to put Calvin Coolidge.

Red said...

P.S. Ross, maybe Slytherin doesn't precisely equate with evil, in the sorting hat song, but as Hagrid said, "There wasn't a witch or wizard who went bad {who didn't live there; I forget the second half of the quote.)"

M. said...

i laughed during this whole thing.

truly, truly you are too awesome.

Rassles said...

Zen: I know, right?

Oh, FF: Duh. Gryffindor. Where are you? Ravenclaw? Probably. And you're an otter.

RF: This post was most definitely inspired by a mixture of two Facebook quizzes. And I can't figure out what animal you are. Damn.

Also, I like the interactive comments far better than putting responding off for several days. This is just so much more satisfying.

Me said...

That is a totally awesome idea indeed. Now I'm on a mission to place my four best friends. Well, it's kind of easy, 2 Hufflepuff, 1 Ravenclaw and 1 Gryffindor. I don't have any Slytherin friends. Although, I'm not sure where I'd fit in. According to facebook I was Gryffindor. I also like the idea of giving people smells. Total genius.

Anonymous said...

you are painfully awesome... and kick my nerd-ass into a pathetic nerd-ass-wannabe corner.

i don't do the hogwart's houses... i tend to process everyone i know (and public figures) into their Myers-Briggs personality types... (and that's just annoying...not cool)

Mongolian Girl said...

Do you know what I say to your little filly EVERY DAY?
I say, "Come here you little rascal! Come over here so I can eat you up!"
If you were here I would say the exact same thing to you.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I don't follow the Harry Potter closely enough to figure out if you're on base or not. I see the movies though, so I recognize the names at least.

Sid said...

I totally love the fact that you're capable of describing what the colour blue smells like. That takes some kind of imagination.

Sid said...

Rassles. Been trying to email you but can't find your addie. Just want to say that you've now started a trend. Read one of your posts and emailed the link to some of my friends. And now we're all "I'm so star trek yar." Not even quite sure what that means, but whatever.

Sack Posset said...

What do you suppose yellow smells like, or beige or black? This is how I will spend my day now, sniffing colours.

Sarah said...

Love it!

Thanatos said...

Bush #2 is Gryffindor. He reminds me of that Peter Pettigrew character. Slimy, acts dumber than he is and is a sycophant to evil incarnate - Cheney.

Schmee said...

HAH...for some reason when you described me I had a vision of myself as rainbow brite...dkfasdfjk;
Hey what would JFK be??

Rassles said...

You know, he could be in Gryffindor, but not because of the reasons you're giving. I don't think he's slimy. I think he doesn't understand people that are different from him, which is ignorance, not evil. He's got a strong moral basis, he's got fucking guts, he acts on his convictions instead of sitting around and talking about it. All good, strong traits.

But, I don't agree with his morals, and I don't think he has good decision-making skills, and he takes unintelligent action. He's blind, not sinister.

More like Cornelius Fudge.

Good golly. Stop talking, Ross.


Rassles said...

Mae: Please tell everyone you know about how awesome I am, because I feel like no one realizes it but me.

Glove: Well, it's not really giving people smells. It's describing how they smell. But it's not really a scent. It's like a whiff of presence, and the word that follows.

Daisyfae: I'm an ENFP or an ENTP. It's all tricksy.

Mongo: You come at me with a knife and fork, and I will fight you.

Ambiblob: And that's why you have a boyfriend, and people like you. Because you don't make spreadsheets about former presidents and their Hogwarts House. Oh, I said it. I'm making a spreadsheet.


Sack: Well, I think yellow would smell something like breakfast, wool, opening windows in the springtime, sincere smiles, and unwarranted apprehension.

Sarah: Holla.

Schmee: I can't figure out JFK. I need to do more research on him. I will get back to you.

Here In Franklin said...

I hate the idea of Clinton in Slytherin hanging out with Draco and all the other schemers. On the other hand, he is Slick Willy, so you may have a point. Nerd fact: Slick Willy was a name given to Clinton by the Arkansas media waaaaaaay before he was on the national scene.

Gwen said...

I wish you were my friend because I would love to know what I smell like and what my song is, etc. etc.

You entertain me. If I had to pick a color that is you it would be green. (That's my favorite color so don't worry).

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I guess I forgot to broadcast to the internets that I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. But I'm still getting some, so that kinda counts, right? Yar.

Kitty said...

You are the coolest motherfucker, ever.
High five.

Andrea said...

This is the 30th comment and no I don't have OCD.

Erin said...

I think I know Schmee. Does she live in Madison?

Le Meems said...

Clinton is not Slytherin. He's Ravenclaw through and through. (he's not weak (hufflepuff); he's not a douchebag *ahem*. nevermind. )

I like to make up words all the time.

Faxinated: a cross between fixated and fascinated. It's when your crush has elevated to a new level. Not a scary stalker level yet ... but it ain't just a harmless crush any longer.

ANYWAYS. My cheese partner in crime firmly believes that there are only two smells of people. TWO.

You can sort people into these 2 categories. And please, using your own sense of smell, I'll let you conclude what these two groupings mean and how to subsequently group people.

Cold Chicken Soup

Thats it.

She and I are waffles.
You are waffles, too.

A Free Man said...

Bush II is definitely Hufflepuff. Cheney is Slytherin. Actually, Cheney is probably Voldemort with horcruxes in undisclosed locations and shit.

What about Carter, though? And Lincoln?

Rassles said...

I'm sorry guys, but Clinton was a good president, and a hilarious, charming, slimey, smarmy, lying fuck.

IWIIC: I just love calling him Slick Willy.

Gwen: Green, eh? Why is that?

Tabbie: As long as you're getting some, you're better off than me.

Kitty: Thanks for humoring me.

Alpha: I don't believe that for one goddamn minute.

Erin: Nope. Chicago. Well, Elmhurst.

Meems: HEY! Hufflepuff isn't weak. Man, you guys are a bunch of haters. Slytherin is bad, Hufflepuff is weak...

Now see, for me, there are four types of people: People who are shiny, people that are shiny fly-ers, people that are squirrels, and people who smell like gravel. It's the Rassles Caste System. You can move from one type to another, though, and quite easily. I know plenty of people who used to be shiny and now they smell like gravel, so I don't talk to them anymore. You, my friend, are a Shiny Fly-er, for sure.

Freeman: You know, I think so too, about Bush II. Lincoln is Gryffindor, for sure. It takes guts to keep a country together and make unpopular decisions to do so. Carter...great man, does great things, smart, driven...but he was a shite president. I'd say Hufflepuff.

Gypsy said...

Forget about the presidents, I want to know what house I'd be in. I think it's probably Hufflepuff, which kind of disappoints me for some reason.

Nick Leshi said...

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Chris said...

So how -- if at all -- does the animal someone is relate to the shape of their patronus?

~Mountain Lover~ said...

I was Gryffindor- according to facebook. Who knows- I think I'm a hard one to pin down- like I'm always one answer away from being in any given category.

Rassles, I tell people all the time how awesome you are (mostly because they hear me laughing, or I have to explain why I'm suddenly sorting everyone into a house).

Chris said...

You watched the John Adams piece? You like history?

Reasons 132 and 133 I wish to introduce you to my boner.

See you in my dreams, and from the bushes outside.