Friday, August 14, 2009

Bad Start.

This morning my doctor's office called to let me know that my blood test results were in, and that I should call them back as soon as possible.

So I called somewhere between four and eight hundred times, pacing around the five square feet of space in my apartment that gets a signal, resolved to stop only when someone answered.

Fifteen minutes later and I have an appointment for tomorrow morning. The doctor wanted to talk to me. Oh, now she takes my shit seriously, now that she's knows I've got fucking swine flu or ringworm or polio or something. I was right. HA.

But of course, I'm terrified right now, because I'm pretty sure I do have something horribly wrong with me, even though I'm quite convinced it's not polio.

So all of this business was fresh on my brain as I slugged out of my apartment and into the sunshine, and I remembered it's Street Cleaning Day. I didn't so much remember Street Cleaning Day as much as I keenly observed the warning signs taped to the trees that were absent the night before, but either way, my car must be moved.

Are you familiar with Street Cleaning Day, this most treacherous of customs? One day plucked from the month where you're given 24-hours notice to move your car to an undisclosed location during the hours of 9am to 3pm or suffer the irritating, quivering, loathsome fury of being gifted a bright orange $50 parking ticket, which, like celebrity deaths, often come in threes? They never clean the streets, either. The city just threatens its inhabitants that someday, somehow, the streets might be cleaned, and it might possibly might happen on this obscure day picked entirely at random. It's all guesswork.

It was 9:05. I was very late for work, but that's really nothing new. I'm always late. There's a strong possibility that I was shaking a little on my way to my car, because I was, and I still am, extraordinarily nervous to go to the doctor tomorrow. I expect the worst. My heart thrashed, my stomach was all coiled and twisty. Still is right now, really, but saying it is calming.

I slid into my car, thankful to have escaped a Street Cleaning tick--NO. FUCKING BITCH. FUCKING BULLSHIT PIECE OF UGLY FUCK, I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU VILE, SHIT-EATING BUCKET OF SPIDER LEGS AND ABORTIONS, YOU COCKSMOKING ANAL ASS WHORE, I WILL STRANGLE YOUR CAT AND INFECT YOUR CHILDREN WITH MY CRAZY, DEADLY, TUMOROUS, DISFIGURING DISEASE--

As I reached out my window and pulled the ticket into my car, punching my horn, a neon traffic vest flashed in the rear-view mirror. Of course Lovely Rita was still there, haughtily slapping out tickets. She must have thumped this on my windshield thirty seconds before I stepped out of my apartment. Fucking meter maids.

I cranked on my car and gunned it into a u-turn, slamming on the breaks beside the meter maid, fiendish Nazi that she is. I know the job market's tough, but being a city parking enforcer is like the the lowest of low, it's voluntary servitute. Fucking scabs, turning their backs on the aggregated human race.

"Five minutes? Really?" I snapped at her. She just stared at me, holding her stupid fucking little ticket-emitting machine, and I wanted to grab it out of her stupid little hands and smash it. "Do you really hate people that much? Do you delight in dispensing misery with your tickets?" She didn't say anything, just continued to stare at me, unmoving.

I started to laugh. "Thanks a fucking lot for the ticket," I sneered, jamming as much sarcasm as I could into the sentence. And then I drove off to park my car elsewhere.

Work is crazy busy right now, I've been doing eleven, twelve hour days for the past two weeks, I probably have cancer, and I got a fucking parking ticket. I want to do that thing where I decide things will work out for me, and then they do. I don't like dreading the days, being constantly unsettled and annoyed by everything. I mean, look at the blogs, I've been on this kick for months. It's horrible. Snap out of it, me.

...

27 comments:

Nikki B. said...

please don't have cancer...cuz then i'll have to eat my words, when i called you a big baby...

please...for me???

dude...now i'm nervous...

Logical Libby said...

I hate to make things worse, but I can almost guarantee that your rant made that meter maid's day. That's just how they are.

formerly fun said...

Maybe you have some obscure goiter std? Hope you are fine and don't have swine flu.

Rassles said...

Libby, she prolly doesn't understand all of the fancy language I used, so when she tells the story to all over her meter bastardy friends, it's going to come out as, "And then she goes, 'five minutes? really? do you like making people angry?'" which is so not as poetic as my glorious rant.

daisyfae said...

i like your "NO. FUCKING BITCH. FUCKING BULLSHIT PIECE OF UGLY FUCK..." rant and think that you should track her meter-maidly ass down and deliver it. it's 'profanity as art'. a glorious piece, that should be reviewed by profanity art critics...

and i know you won't believe me, but you really probably don't have cancer. could just be anemic or some such shit... if your doc remains a douche? deliver the "NO. FUCKING BITCH. FUCKING BULLSHIT PIECE OF UGLY FUCK..." rant. you'll feel better...

MoLinder said...

so lame! i hate the ritas and their stupid tickets. i got one about a month ago. awesome.
don't stress too much - if it was REALLY bad, they'd tell you over the phone - that's how i found out about the melanoma. it's probably your cholesterol or some weird enzyme crap that's out of whack or something. think positive.
my verification word is slygove. pretty fucking sweet.

wolf said...

Hope everything's okay with your blood tests.

ZenMom said...

Hope your day got better and hope your doctor visit was not bad news!

Chris said...

Given your week, they are probably just calling you in to tell you they lost your blood and they will need to take more. I'll keep a good thought. Good luck.

la isla d'lisa said...

Freak a little (you almost have to), but don't freak too much ... my doc did the same to me and it was an effing vitamin d deficiency. Really? Really! Once they unwrapped my hands from around his neck I got my scrip and all has been well. And ... Most. Excellent. Rant.

Ellie said...

I had ringworm. Turns out you can easily contract it from lovely fluffy kittens. It's actually not a worm at all, but a skin fungus. You don't have ringworm. Hope you are ok! x

Le Meems said...

It'll all work out. Don't worry. Have you had a quiet conversation with the universe yet? You should always ask the universe for what you need.

Chic Mama said...

Good luck at the doctors....

hereinfranklin said...

Is the appointment today? Saturday?

Kono said...

Ah Rassles you have struck a chord near and dear to my heart, i have an ongoing war with the fucking meter maids, i won't go into all the unpleasant things i've said to them or even the horrible things i've done to the tickets before i sent them back, i watched one take the time down on my car one day then walked up and said, as soon as you leave my street i'm moving my car which means my time starts over cuz i'm not in the same spot, so ha muthafucka and then proceded to do Hong Kong Phooey moves just to prove i'd won. Here's hoping you the blood test is okay too and don't forget to ask for the painkillers, they really help especially with a few cocktails.

Kitty said...

I hate it when docs call and say you gotta go in another day for results and they have to talk to you in person.

Seriously, they should get you in there immediately.

Hope you are okay, Rassles. Maybe it's mumps? Most people in this country are immunized, but not all.

renalfailure said...

I had the notion that you'd die on one of your out-of-state adventures, like in New Orleans or the creationist museum, not from some blood-born ailment.

Del-V said...

Maybe you have mono. Don't go kissing anyone until the doctor gives you the all-clear.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Um, well-- u ok missy?

Sarah said...

Ugh, fucking meter maids.

Hope all goes well with the doc.

Sarah said...

Aaaaand I'm dumb. Just looked at the date on this post and saw it was from like 3 days ago....

You OK?

~Mountain Lover~ said...

Seriously? Well? It's 3:00 on Monday...

Sid said...

LOL! I love your anger. Loved the phrase "voluntary servitude".

Gypsy said...

Street sweeping, you say? We just wait for the rain and wind.

Anyway, hoping it's nothing serious.

A Free Man said...

Yeah, I got that call a while back. I think they do it to fuck with you. Cocksucking MDs on a power trip. I've read your next post so know that it's OK, so cool. Liver zymes could mean a lot of things, but probably cool.

Ms. Case said...

the paragraph with all the fucks/fucking/shit-fuck-damns...made me laugh. sorry about the ticket though. it made for a great story.

Jessica said...

Hey be happy about street cleaning day. Guess what Elgin has done? Made street cleaning day every other day. Yes, there is a parking ban on one side of the street EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. You have to alternate odd/even, and try and remember 1) what date it is and 2) which side of the street that means is banned. Totally dumb.

My theory is that they want to discourage people who cannot afford houses with garages, or houses that are turned into 2- or 3-flats by eliminating their parking.