Thursday, August 6, 2009

Doctors Have Asses For Heads

I have West Nile virus. That has to be it. Or mono. Or cancer. Or a goiter. Possibly a tumor.

Oh my god, I hate my life.

I have a swollen lymph node. I mean, that's probably it. Which leads to either cancer or West Nile. And there's a little guy living there, throbbing, pissing me off, being a big fatty lump underneath my jaw. Ideally, I should see a doctor, you know? But here's the thing: You have to make an appointment with doctors, and to make an appointment they either must (a) answer their fucking phone, or (b) return my call after I leave five hundred messages.

I've been trying to get an appointment for a week.

I. FUCKING. HATE. DOCTORS.

Are you a doctor? (I hate you.)

Doctors, you see, have never done anything good for me. Oh, I believe in modern medicine, I just don't believe in a doctor's ability to properly administer it. I also don't believe they want to help people, because if they did THEY WOULD CALL ME BACK AND I COULD GET THIS THING OFF OF MY FACE, but they don't call me back because they are assheads. They have asses for heads and their heads are asses and they probably creep into examination rooms and masturbate to my melancholy voicemails, aroused by my foolish dreams that they know will inevitably go unrequited.

Also, I don't care what any of you say, fucking Grey's Anatomy is a stupid fucking show full of stupid fucking people and it makes me want to kill myself.

Yesterday I had this raging fever and I was walking from the bus and shivering, wrapped in a sweater. Fucking seventy-five degrees outside, and I ached for a winter coat.

Why don't I just go to an urgent care facility? I'll fucking tell you why - because they don't take my fucking HMO. No, my insurance isn't good enough for immediate care. It's good enough for dying in throbbing, agonizing discomfort, it's good enough for, "Hello, my neck really, really hurts," "Well, you should see a doctor. We can't help you, but someday, someone might."

And then I call my insurance company and I say, "Please give me the names of all of the doctors I can see" and then it's all, "Oh, you already have an assigned doctor" and I say, "Yes, but he hasn't returned any of my many many phone calls and I think I have swine flu." So there.

Why can't I just walk in through the front door of the hospital and say, "Hello, my name is Rassles, and there is a giant fucking thing swelling right here" (and I will point for effect) "and can you please cut it out of me, or give me medicine so it will go away, because I'm embarrassed to even ride the bus right now and I'm five minutes away from X-acto knifing my face."

And then if they tell me that my insurance doesn't cover elephantine tumors I'm gonna bleed on them. I'm going to slice my jaw open, and I'm just going to spray blood all over their heads that look like asses. Might kill me, but at least I'll get that last spiteful "fuck you, modern medicine" message across.

And that is why I haven't been writing blogs, or reading anyone elses, really. Because I have West Nile virus, and I'm probably going to die.

I am sooooo mad.

...

30 comments:

Randy said...

Could be Cat Scratch Fever... much cooler than cancer or West Nile... although it does usually settle in the nodes under the arm, but then again I'm not a doctor or an ass head for that matter. But I have had CSF and no I didn't get it from next door.

MoLinder said...

ah, i see you have accepted my diagnosis of west nile. i really think it might be WN because I have mosquito bites - and i never get bitten. i'm blaming doug because he still hasn't fixed the porch situation and now the area behind the metal thingy has become a cesspool of mosquitoes and their ilk. so really, you should go upstairs and cut out the growth from your chin and bleed all over doug and his janky ass porch. and then charge him for it. or ask for $100 off the rent. score!

Jacob said...

I had a lymph node swell up to the size of an orange under my left jawbone when I was a kid. I got in to see the doctor the same day who injected me with something, prescribed a couple of pills and it was gone by the next morning. Then again, I grew up in a small town and my parents had the insurance state employees get, so we went to the doctor we felt like going to and he always had a couple of open slots. If it makes you feel better, the cause was never discovered other than generic infection and I had neither swine flu nor cancer. That doesn't mean that you won't die. It just means it's possible that you won't.

Mongoliangirl said...

Stupid fuckin' Doug and his stupid fuckin' West Nile causing porch. And stupid fuckin' insurance companies and stupid fuckin' doctors.
And yes, Grey's is retarded beyond retarded.
Oh, and a few years ago I had a swollen lymph node on my bikini line and my crotch was going to fall off until I found out it was just an ingrown hair from being being retarded about how I trim that shit.
Stupid fuckin' pubic hair!

Thanatos said...

Fractured my toe last night, doctor will see me on Saturday. Emergency care's not covered by my insurance, so I guess I'll be seeing a lot of Dr. Double shot Jameson till then.

Schmee said...

Is it bad that I am laughing hysterically right now after reading this post along with all the comments??? dfkja;sfkjlasd; go to one of those minute clinics at cvs...

Chris said...

So, just so I'm clear before we start -- is this one of those "no sympathy I'm only letting off steam posts?" Because I wouldn't want to be sympathetic and get yelled at or shanked by a girl with a lymph-encrusted scalpel. Otherwise, I'm really sorry you have (thyroid? you think maybe thyroid?) cancer and shitty insurance and now you are either going to die or suffer horribly forever or maybe both. My wife pulled something in her lung (we think. we don't do health care) trying to exercise yesterday and now she is really, really whiny and in pain and going through a LOT of wine.

Get well soon.

renalfailure said...

It's not lupus.

And I say that in my best House voice.

punxxi said...

so your doc is aleady using the new health are plan, eh?

la isla d'lisa said...

HAH! Remember your "Stress" blog on the 21st? See what you did to yourself?!?

Next steps: go into work and JAM your finger into that sucker 'til you pass out. They will rightly call 911 and you'll go to the head of the line in a wambulance, HMO be damned-ed.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Omigod, I'm sooo glad I'm not a doctor.

Have any of the CVS pharmacies near you opened this thing called Minute Clinic in your area?? I bet they take your HMO and when we were in FL visiting we went 2x, they were pretty good and virtually no wait.

Seriously man, check it out.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

http://www.minuteclinic.com/en/USA/IL/Chicago/Clinics.aspx

There's a shitload of them in Chitown.

hereinfranklin said...

Go to the walk-in clinic. Also, if the node/tumor/swollen place hurts and is sore, it's probably not cancer. Cancer lumps don't hurt as a rule. Mine didn't.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I feel ya. My specialist has been ignoring my messages for over a month and I'm like "hey, I have broken bones here" and his office staff is like "oh yeah. He'll get right back to you" and I have excellent insurance.
Also, I hope you don't die.

Red said...

I actually have some doctors I like, and I need a small team. I don't have a GP at the moment - there are some kinks in that system - and I FUCKING HATE my insurance company.

I hope you get a call back, Ross.

Ginny said...

Jesus H Christ, Rass, I just want to get on a plane and wrap you up in a blanket and bring you back here to Canada, and then lie and say you're my long lost sister who is obviously also Canadian, and take you to several doctors, post haste, and get this shit taken care of.

Meagan said...

Wow, that blows, I have no advice. Wait, yes I do: don't bring a scalpal into the emergency room because you'll get snipered as a terrorist before you can cut off your lymph. And then on the news they'll claim: "Hospital slasher threatens terminally ill and heroic doctors, tonight at 11!" so not worth it.

Also I have to mention this because it's almost related. There's an emergency room near my house. Not urgent care mind you. It has a nice bright sign that says "EMERGENCY ROOM." And then in tiny letters beneath it says, "Hours: 8 am - 10 pm" WTF. I'll bet if you walk in bleeding at 9:45 they wince and say, "Oohh, jeeze Im sorry, the sign says 10 but we just cleaned all the floors and the register's shut down."

Anyway, seriously good luck. I hope it's nothing serious and I hope the doctor calls you back before you're forced to hire an assasin. Your HMO probably won't cover that either.

Mia Watts said...

You totally have an aptly named African river cancerous goiter with mosquitoes living inside it. Go to CVS or some readymed place. Forty bucks and your pain is over.

ZenMom said...

I suggest you put your doctor on speed dial and call them every 20 minutes. Every third call, just breathe heavy and whine a little.

Yeah, they still might be assholes and not pick up the phone or not return your calls, but at least you will have the satisfaction of having hounded them to death.

Alternatively, you should have someone drive your sick ass to their office, and then you should sit on the receptionist's desk until the doctor sees you.

Be sure to lick her phone and drawer handles if you get the chance.

Erin said...

You should paint your lump like an Easter egg.

Betsey Booms said...

One time? I woke up and my eye was all swollen shut, wait, both of them were...

And I laid there uncomfy and angry, and all I could in my head, and only my head because I couldn't open my fucking eyes, was that scene in Rocky where they cut his lids with razor blades and I was all, Fuck that shit!

The swelling went down in 24 hours. But you? Yeah you don't have that.

So consider the Xacto knife. Because I would in a huge way.

But be careful.

Because I mostly like you.

Ellie said...

Wait a second Rassles ... is it in the same place where you were poking yourself to almost pass out?

You are so right about Grey's Anatomy. What shocks me is how many people (people I like and respect) like it? What are they on? Or what am I missing?

And Ha Ha - the word verification I now have to enter is 'feses' ha ha. You know what that sounds like ... it comes out of Doctors' heads.

Kitty said...

I hope you've seen a doc by now and are feeling better.

I hate all medical shows on tv, none of them come close to what it's really like in a hospital.

I also hate insurance companies.

like someone else mentioned in a comment, just go sit in the doctor's office waiting area until they see you. If they insist you have an appointment, start hollering in front of all those patients.

formerly fun said...

I'm sorry about the goiter. A lot of the walk-in clinics are like $60a visit. Just remember, alcohol kills germs, even if it's Stella Artois.

A Free Man said...

Because you live in a dipshit of a country that can't wrap its collective head around the fact that medicine should be a not for profit industry.

You asked.

Mae December said...

how is anyone this funny?

Gypsy said...

I hope by now you've been to the doc. Don't want to be all hypochondriac on you, but a swollen lymph node can be possibly scary. Hoping you're well.

Sarah said...

Thats fucked. Seriously, you need to go all crazy bitch on their assheads! Call and be as pissed off as one can manage with a giant...uh...thing on her face.

Do it.

Wait, want me to do it? Gimmie your Dr's phone number. I'll have you an appointment in less than 24 hours. I'm good at the crazy bitch thing....

Kitty said...

Crazy bitches get shit done!
(Go Sarah)

Blues said...

The only reason I'm laughing my shitter off at this post is because I already read the post about you being better. Honest.

When I was younger I had a golf ball sized thing start growing on my forehead. I looked like an alien. Because we had such shit HMO bullshit, my mom waited until it was almost baseball sized to take me in for them to tell me I had a sinus infection. By that time my eye was swollen shut and I looked like a pirate with a baseball for a patch.