Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Heartless Pharmaceutical Whore

"Stress."

"Stress?"

"Symptoms of stress. But that lymph node is infected."

"So...I got an infection because of stress?"

She just looks at me, but past me, like at a spot on the wall over my shoulder, and nods once. Starts writing stuff down. I shift uncomfortably on the exam table thing and rip that crap ass paper tablerunner/bedsheet bullshit thing in half. I feel guilty and destructive and just start talking.

"So...is it like, my immune system is down and therefore my body was more prone to infection, and then that caused like the fever and the sweats and the--"

"Most likely," she interrupts. "Are you allergic to penicillin?"

"No, ibuprofen. I get all violently ill and vomit and it's really gross."

She looks at me with her big dull cow eyes and then slowly turns to her doctory sheet, scratches out a prescription and hands it to me.

"Thanks," I say, and read that it's for amoxicillin. Suddenly I am very angry with her.

I don't know if you guys are familiar with amoxicillin, but it's what doctors prescribe to big fat hypochondriatic babies with no obvious medical problems who should probably just go home and shut the fuck up instead of wasting the time of honest, hard-working doctors, who are no doubt superior to their patients. Stupid doctor. You know, if she'd seen me last week when I was actually sick, then maybe she'd take me a little more seriously. Now this business is just a little swell and some headache, but last week there was shaking and sweating and tumors and fevers and vertigo (like Lucille Too? Yes, like Lucille Too).

I tell her so. Not the part about taking me seriously, but the part about how last week I wanted to kill myself onnaconna the cancer.

"Oh, I'm sure," she says, not even looking up from her chart, which is probably a fucking Sudoku puzzle and not a medical chart at all because she's a stupid bitch.

I look down at my feet dangling over the edge of the examination table and tap them together a couple times. I consider kicking her and wisely decide against it.

She finishes writing and slams her manilla folder shut with the false authority of a person who believes she deserves something in life. "Well that's all. Come back in two weeks."

"Aren't you going to run any tests or anything? Like a blood test or something?

"Fast overnight and then go in the morning. Upstairs. They take blood tests there." She's annoyed and nervous and will not look at my face. I fucking hate it when people don't look at me when they're talking to me.

"Tomorrow morning?"

"Before your next appointment, so I can give you results." She gives me a curt nod and exits the room.

"Bye," I call after her. What a horrible woman. I jump off the table and put on my shoes, head outside to make my next appointment. As I'm talking to the receptionist, the doctor scurries around the background like a rat or a squirrel. Oh my god, she's a fucking squirrel. I knew it.

"Thanks, doctor," I say, and smile.

She looks up at me with those blank eyes and nods once more, then just goes back to scuttling. I look at the prescription in my hand and I'm fucking angry again. I mean, sure, amoxicillin is a valid antibiotic that will get rid of the infection in my face. Chin. Neck. Jaw. Wherever. At least it's something.

You know what else will get rid of the infection? Love and fucking compassion and the tears of adorable puppies, that's what, you heartless pharmaceutical whore.

...

18 comments:

Del-V said...

Trust me on this, I live next to the best medical schools in the world and they don't teach social skills in med school.

Logical Libby said...

You can't take puppies orally. Or, at least, you shouldn't.

Ginny said...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'M allowed to prescribe amoxicilin, that's how nutless it is. But really, in the end, I hope she was completely right, and that it was just stress. (Which was NOT helped by her being a dismissive twat.)

ZenMom said...

Is it wrong that I love you in your pain?

I can't even tell you how long I've been looking for a decent doctor. I'm starting to wonder it there are any left.

Ellie said...

Oh, you're inspiring to get back to my experience with UK Drs. posts. I think her brother must practice over here.

By the way, I saw you Brussels today.

renalfailure said...

Can you still drink while on amoxicillin? Or will that screw things up?

Betsey Booms said...

I got ringworm on my leg from a cat once.

So definitely cuddle the puppies.

Not the kitties.

hereinfranklin said...

Doctors operate from a position of power. You have to treat them like equals. I will write a post one day (maybe tomorrow) about the radiologist that treated me like shit. You do have a say-so in your medical care. Bottom line is I have drs who see me as a person...who call me...you just have to jump up and down to get their attention. That being said, I'm very glad to hear that your lymph node was just an infection.

Meagan said...

Is this the same doctor who ignored your calls for forever? Change doctors. Will they let you change doctors? There's no guarantee that the next one will be better but hey worth a try.

Anyway I love amoxicillin. It tastes like fake bubblegum. Only I guess they probably give grown ups pills, unless, you know, you ask for the gross bubblegum stuff.

Sid said...

Rassles you come up with the world's most awesome lines ever.

Mister Crowley said...

I'm stressed too. My frikkin hair's standing up. No amount of gel or mousse or whatever will bring it to sit patiently. Gah.

Kono said...

You should've said "gimme some percocet bitch, i'm in pain."

gullybogan said...

Logical Libby is mistaken: you *can* take puppies orally, and i'm sending you a six pack.

wolf said...

Very glad to hear you're feeling better and will be feeling even better soon after the amoxicillin kicks in.

Nikki B. said...

suck it up, take your bubblegum flavored elixer, and quit being such a baby...

er..uh, i mean...awww...sorry you're sick.

Chris said...

Del-V is right about the social skills thing. I know several doctors socially, and even the ones with good bedside manners are social trainwrecks in one way or another. Not like us at all. Glad you're getting better.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Sounds like you need a new doctor, onnaconna that bitchy one.

Blues said...

I've met my share of asshole doctors that earn twenty bazillion times more than anyone I know and think it's their right to treat everyone like germs.

A little bit of bedside manners goes a long way.