Monday, September 28, 2009

Linguistics, a List, and I Don't Like Indiana

Those of you out there that see me on a regular basis know that I can do a fair job imitating each and every one of you. And I'm here to say that A Free Man introduced his audience to a website that is going to ruin the lives of every single person that hears me speak.

Seriously, this website is just a collection of English accents from around the world. I'm just sitting here listening, over and over and over again, and I will continue to do so until I can properly imitate the lot of them.

I'm partial to the Welshman. And like the Free Man, South Carolina. But Edinburgh is by far and away the most definitive, the strongest and clearest and most unashamed, fearless wonder I've ever heard in my life.

But here's the thing that's crazy about this business: my favorite accents, I think, are non-natives doing a stellar Boston or Texas accent, which of course is not offered as an example. Because you get the same distinguished pronunciation, but a deeper pitch and tone. That's the key. A resonant, buttery voice, and notable, butchery pronunciation. When you throw Josh Brolin into Texas, it's fantastic, because any nasally harshness has been steamed right out of his words, and we're left with a brave, rich, humming drawl, and it's uncompromising and totally liberated.

Of course, the most terrifying voice is from Indiana, which is easily the creepiest fucking state in this country. So all ya'll foreigners: Stay the fuck away from Indiana. Your kind ain't welcome in those parts.

I don't know if you picked up on that decievin'ly timid timbre, but each and every word slowly and subtly suffocates its neighbor like a murderous linguistic pillow, and it's constraining and nervous and don't fall for it. Never fall for it, or you're gonna end up chained to a pole in a basement in fucking Indiana while some feeble-voiced bedwetter makes omelettes out of your toes. He also probably kicks puppies out of fear and poisons stray cats.

I really, really, really don't trust timid voices. Just like I don't trust the following:

1. people that obviously think they're smarter than me, and act like it (whether or not it's true is irrelevant, because they probably are)

2. people that voluntarily listen to Sarah McLachlan or Jimmy Buffet (except for Hereinfranklin)

3. people who talk about pirates too much (because the ones that always talk about pirates are the ones that never know what they're talking about)

4. people (especially girls) who say dumbass things like, "I don't like hanging out with girls, it's too much drama." It's one thing if you have more male friends than female friends, but it's another to generate negativity towards women just so you seem cooler and drama-free. I'm not going to lie, I would rather deal with the drama than deal with the person who talks all this shit and reinforces the drama.

5. people with really long fingernails

6. and people from fucking Indiana.

...

22 comments:

Logical Libby said...

Great. I went to that site and now I sound Cajun. My dog is looking at me all weird and shit.

Rassles said...

I am getting so good at this its not even funny.

renalfailure said...

In Indiana, we can scoop you into three red bags, after we meet you Wednesday at the train station...

And you're already aware of who I side with in ninja vs. pirate debate.

A Free Man said...

I'm glad you liked that site. It's a great time suck isn't it?

I used to date a girl from Indiana who loved Sarah McLachlan (no shit). She was a fucking psycho. And she didn't have any girl friends either, come to think of it. In fact, her (female) roommate called the cops on her. I'm really not making this up.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

What did Jimmy Buffet ever do to you? How can you have a problem with Cheeseburgers in Paradise?

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I'm obviously not smarter than you and I don't like warren buffet. Wait. Jimmy. Not Warren. Whatever.
But I love Sarah Mcgglldfndkj can't spell her name.
Also, I totally dig international talk like a pirate day.
Plus, I think you like me even though I speak with an Indiana accent.
Wait. Californian accent is kinf of its own category.
Going to check out the site for accents.

Rassles said...

I am not, nor will I ever be, anti-pirate. For the record.

But that doesn't mean I trust those goddamn scallywags.

Meagan said...

When I went to college (in Indiana) my roomate (from Chicago) kept talking about how ridiculous my accent sounded. She'd go: Say "college!" Say "cabbage!" Bwahahahaha! And I'm fairly certain she wasn't just messing with me (not really her kind of humor). I am from
Eugene, Oregon. I won't say we have NO accents, but the Northwest is sort of known for the lack of distinctive speach. It was weird.

Sid said...

I listen to Sarah McLachlan ...

Le Meems said...

I also dislike:

-People who pick their teeth with their long fingernails

-Cats

-People who still eat Funyons

nursemyra said...

*ugh* long fingernails *ugh*

that's where our patients hide their faeces (now that's something no one wanted to know isn't it?)

gullybogan said...

I'm an accent sponge. I just soak 'em right on up. Princess is used to me talking the way i do, but Tess and Sybylla are regularly driven mad trying to figure out why i talk the way i do, and they let me know it without a moment's hesitation.

So i won't be going to that website; thanks for the warning.

Del-V said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jacob said...

I'm going to go ahead and call you out for not going the extra mile like A Free Man and I (because of his example) did and record your own voice as another example.

hereinfranklin said...

I love being the exception to your rule. I don't think I know anyone from Indiana, so I can't weigh in on that debate. I do know a woman from Iowa though.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I was totally on board until the Jimmy Buffett/Pirate slag. I was once a fighter--I didn't get it. But Jimmy Buffett is like coffee or beer. The first sip might leave a bad taste in your mouth, but over time you grow to love it. Crave it. You truly haven't lived until you have tail-gated at a Buffett concert. If an afternoon of beach music, frozen drinks and grilling out doesn't leave a smile on your face I just can't help you. :)

~Mountain Lover~ said...

Is an Indiana accent all that different from an Illinois one? Yes, I'm an Illinois native, but hell if I know the difference.

Blues said...

This post fucking rocks. It's so all over the place, but all in one at the same time. Okay, so I've been away awhile because I need the awesome to build up sometimes because sometimes when it's in heavier doses it is a much more intense high.

The omelette toes bit was just what I was looking for.

Anonymous said...

Indiana? Ever been to Alabama?

-Zane

Red said...

At my company's annual meeting in Vegas a couple of years ago, I had the glamorous job of working at registration. I've worked with two actors from IN, one of whom was Miss Drag Indiana 1999, and he didn't fit the description. But most people I've met from IN are kinda big, with fattish heads shaped like trapezoids and they look unhappy. I was surprised that after a very short time, when people checking in told me they were from IN, my internal reaction was, "Yeah, I could tell."

ohthatgirl said...

That site is too entertaining.

Also..

That's spot on about the girls that don't hang out with girls...I don't trust those girls. Period.

I'll listen to Sarah McLachlan when I feel the need to sing loudly with tears in my eyes. But come to think of it, that has not happened in a long time...probably since that commercial about all the puppies and kittens in animal shelters.

Gypsy said...

Know whose accent I love? Paula Deen. You can judge me now if you want.