Those of you out there that see me on a regular basis know that I can do a fair job imitating each and every one of you. And I'm here to say that A Free Man introduced his audience to a website that is going to ruin the lives of every single person that hears me speak.
Seriously, this website is just a collection of English accents from around the world. I'm just sitting here listening, over and over and over again, and I will continue to do so until I can properly imitate the lot of them.
I'm partial to the Welshman. And like the Free Man, South Carolina. But Edinburgh is by far and away the most definitive, the strongest and clearest and most unashamed, fearless wonder I've ever heard in my life.
But here's the thing that's crazy about this business: my favorite accents, I think, are non-natives doing a stellar Boston or Texas accent, which of course is not offered as an example. Because you get the same distinguished pronunciation, but a deeper pitch and tone. That's the key. A resonant, buttery voice, and notable, butchery pronunciation. When you throw Josh Brolin into Texas, it's fantastic, because any nasally harshness has been steamed right out of his words, and we're left with a brave, rich, humming drawl, and it's uncompromising and totally liberated.
Of course, the most terrifying voice is from Indiana, which is easily the creepiest fucking state in this country. So all ya'll foreigners: Stay the fuck away from Indiana. Your kind ain't welcome in those parts.
I don't know if you picked up on that decievin'ly timid timbre, but each and every word slowly and subtly suffocates its neighbor like a murderous linguistic pillow, and it's constraining and nervous and don't fall for it. Never fall for it, or you're gonna end up chained to a pole in a basement in fucking Indiana while some feeble-voiced bedwetter makes omelettes out of your toes. He also probably kicks puppies out of fear and poisons stray cats.
I really, really, really don't trust timid voices. Just like I don't trust the following:
1. people that obviously think they're smarter than me, and act like it (whether or not it's true is irrelevant, because they probably are)
2. people that voluntarily listen to Sarah McLachlan or Jimmy Buffet (except for Hereinfranklin)
3. people who talk about pirates too much (because the ones that always talk about pirates are the ones that never know what they're talking about)
4. people (especially girls) who say dumbass things like, "I don't like hanging out with girls, it's too much drama." It's one thing if you have more male friends than female friends, but it's another to generate negativity towards women just so you seem cooler and drama-free. I'm not going to lie, I would rather deal with the drama than deal with the person who talks all this shit and reinforces the drama.
5. people with really long fingernails
6. and people from fucking Indiana.