I pulled that other bullshit post into a draft, because I'm embarrassed that I wrote it. Everything I write embarrasses me lately, and I regret posting it an hour after it happens, and I feel all defensive before anyone comments, like I'm creating criticism in my head.
When did I start doing that? Writing bullshit, sad, preachy business and commentary? I fucking hate commentary. I don't like reading it and listening to it.
I sure as hell don't like the writing voice I use in it.
I turn into a goddamn thesaurus when I think about commentary.
What about my stories? Where did all the stories go? I had this whole plan for a story about a wedding this weekend and camping, and there was dialogue and shenanigans, and instead I went on a rant about fucking steampunk? I don't know anything about steampunk. I never followed steampunk or sought it out, but after seeing all this shit on Etsy and stuff, I started looking it up online. I was like, "This looks like it came from those books I used to read. Fucking awesome." And then I discovered it was this entire genre of wonderful crap that all these people were crazy obsessed with, and then, I shit you not, my loser ass read about it on Wikipedia.
For the past year or so, Steampunk turned into my Word. I started looking for it everywhere, seeing the genre's influence on style. Seriously, I mean think about it: it's a cool fucking word.
Kind of like how in 2005 my Word was dystopia. Everything was dystopian, everywhere I looked people were reading books about a dystopian future and I watched V for Vendetta over and over again. I never talked about it other than in my own head, really, it's not like I walked around trying to start discussions about horrific alternate timelines and the fall of civilization. Because shit like that should stay there, in your head.
But every once in awhile, I would drop it into a conversation. "What, are you afraid of some irrational dystopian future? This isn't Brazil," I would scoff. Oddly, Brazil is both dystopian and steampunk.
You know what? I don't even like most dystopian stories. Well, Watchmen, of course (which I think is really what connected me to steampunk literature, even though at the time, I didn't know what it was called). But seriously, they're grim little bastards of a plotline.
I think it stemmed from an urge to be impressive, to be good at this. I thought that I could show the thoughts behind my actions, and I still sound like an ass. Stop talking, okay.