Sunday, October 11, 2009

I Am a Sally

Saw Paranormal Activity on Tuesday night. It wasn't very scary. It was all, you know, "OMG that door just moved" and "did you hear that" and "I love you baby" and "get away from me."

I can't imagine why people let me into movie theaters. When the audience is silent and coiled, two hundred and ninety-nine people gasp and hold their breath as shock strokes the backs of their necks, and then out of the hush rumbles one hearty, long chuckle that totally ruins the buzz.

"You a-hole," Emi whispers, and punches me.

"Dude, this movie is hysterical."

(I just asked MoLinder what my laugh sounds like. She said, and I quote, "You sound like this booming, hilarious, drunken German man.")

Emi is jumpy as fuck, and keeps on trying to effing cuddle with me in fear, because when there is no big-armed strongman around, people turn to me for safety. Sometimes even those same big-armed strongmen turn to me for safety.

In college I would get scared phone calls from friends, and I'd have to slug up my baseball bat and head over to houses to investigate creepy closets and creaking doors. I'm not tough. I'm not very intimidating. I'm not very brave. I'm actually very, very gullible, and I tricked myself into thinking that people thought I was brave. Chances are they were humoring me, and man, I ate that shit up. Loved being the protector.

Unfortunately, that fucking movie made all of that false courage fucking worthless, even though I wasn't afraid during the movie. I wasn't afraid driving home, I wasn't afraid walking from my car across a darkened street to my building, I wasn't afraid of the gently groaning front gate, I wasn't afraid of entering a shadowy, cold apartment.

Emi was terrified and slept on our couch.

Then I tried to sleep, and the world summoned all of its subtle, sinister sounds in a eerily passive, static assault on my sanity. Goddamn terrified, is what I was.

What was that? Is that the gate? Who's there? Someone is here. Someone is walking up the stairs, holy fuck, someone is walking up the stairs. Calm down, Ross, people walk up the stairs all the time. You hear this every night. This is an apartment complex. But at two-thirty in the morning on a Tuesday? Paul is a bartender. He lives on the third floor. It must be Paul.

Watch a movie. Sleep with the light on. Wake up for work, hit the bathroom, shivering and avoiding the mirror. I do not want to shower, I want to go outside. Why are you so paranoid, Ross, chill the hell out. Slow down. Nothing is out to get you - what the fuck was that? Go outside. Go outside. It is here. It is here. Holy Fuck. Oh my god, go outside. Faster. Shit. Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit - is that the bus? Oh, thank fucking god.

Get on the bus. There are people there. Calm. Down. Breathe. Stop being such a sally, Sally.

My name is not Sally, but that would be wicked awesome.



renalfailure said...

Keep your eyes out for a movie called Human Centipede (First Segment).

You might want to ask if your friends are just using you for bait so when the unknown terror comes out they can run while it attacks you.

Anonymous said...

adrenaline is righteous, ain't it? that's the shit that makes people strong enough to lift cars off babies. better than meth, and it doesn't wreck your teeth...

Nikki B. said...

i can't do ghost movies. i'm afraid of the ghosties. like, very.very.VERY.afraid.

i lived in a haunted house when i was little. i remember the ghosties there.

don't judge me...that shit's real!!

the last one i saw was 'the ring'...i was fine 'til that bitch came out of the TV. to this DAY, i can't walk by a TV at night without wondering if that bitch's arm is gonna grab me!

hi sally, i'm pansy!!

Chris said...

I watched 1408 in an old hotel week before last. I hate when one gets you, especially when they are not especially scary.

Chamuca said...

Ghosts and aliens, etc. freak me out. You can't stop them from coming through a wall and getting you.

Unlike an ax-murderer who is a physical entity, who you can elude by by barricading yourself in your bathroom.

Stillie said...

I really don't mean to laugh at you, but this was the funniest things I've read in weeks. Seriously. Thanks, man, because it felt good to laugh.

BTW, I am a paranormal investigator and researcher, although my paid gig is being a HS teacher. I crack up at people getting the heebies over ghost movies!

Le Meems said...

Dude, I remember when CandyMan came out. I got trapped in the movie theatre bathroom. Unable to walk out without navigating the mirror and perhaps having my mind mess up and say "candyman" three times fast.

Sid said...

M.E. sounds like me. People always hate watching scary movies with me. I always end up sitting on someone's lap, hoping they'd cover my eyes.

American in Sydney said...

I'm totally scared of scary movies. I'm the biggest pussy ever.

Gypsy said...

Sometimes I have to jump on my bed because I'm sure -- just sure -- the bogeyman is under there. Still.

Nikki B. said...

i'm with chamuca - that's my, how i rationalize...being a scared little bitch!

Pretty Unfamous said...

I heard the movie actually WAS scary, but I didn't even think about going home AFTER the movie! Yikes, I'm sure I'd be scared then.

Kono said...

Remember in The Blair Withc Project when the one guy was standing in the corner at the end, that scared the shit out of me, the rest of the movie sucked but that part stuck, as a rule i avoid movies cuz they usually are boring and predictable as you well know, but i did score tickets to for Kid A and i to go see Where the Wild Things Are on sunday at the Imax and i'm effing stoked. I just hope Eggers and Jonze don't eff it up to much but hearing James Gandofini's voice as a big monster is gonna rule.

Unknown said...

Sometimes these movies are like porn. Either you're really into it, or you aren't and you're just laughing on the sidelines.

Lailani Ali said...

My friends actually like going to movies with me because of my unpredictable reactions. I was watching that awful comic book movie- what was it? The one with the nuclear dude... And laughed so hard that it was obviously rude. Also, I clap when I'm scared. So at scary movies, I'm all- applause please!!! I think it might be turrets.
So- think it's worth seeing- this paranormal? Sounds lke it worked even though your reaction was delayed.

Del-V said...

I saw this and thought you would like it...

It will strike fear and awe into anyone who might see you wear it!

Erin said...

I hate being alone after scary movies. And books. I was up all night after reading And Then There Were None. Sleeping with a big knife doesn't help.

Ellie said...

I'll call you Sally.

Stillie said...

I actually went to see this movie with my boyfriend last night based on your blog post. I was the one laughing during the movie, right up until the end, when my laughter began to turn to anger.

Interesting plotline at any rate. Shitty camera work (yes, I KNOW it's supposed to be like a home camera) that made me slightly motion-sick, but I'd say I stayed entertained!

Rassles said...

RF: Fuck you for telling me about that movie. I looked it up, oh, I did. I nearly baffed, and I can't stop looking at pictures, and I hate you so hard right now.

Daisy: And it doesn't give me the clap, either.

(I don't know how that's relevant. Adrenaline was relevant. The clap? Shut up, me.)

Nikki: Hello, Pansy. Did you take your TV apart just to make sure it was lacking in limbs? That's what I would do.

Chris: It's really unavoidable, too. And I'm all walking cautiously into my bedroom every night. Still.

Chamuca: The scariest things are the ones they don't show you. Never been into serial killer movies.

Stillie: Laugh away, I think I'm being ridiculous. Are you really a paranormal investigator? That's some righteous shit, right there.

Meems: You know what got me? Lost Highway. Fucking David Lynch ruined my life. I was so terrified twenty minutes in that I turned it off and called someone to calm me down.

Sid: Because you just can't do it yourself. Like when you see a dirty, naked fat man.

Flora: There ain't nothing wrong with that.

Gypsy: I've been sleeping with my roommates cats and my head under the covers.

Angela: The aftermath of movies is far scarier than the actual thing. Obsessing over my reaction for's a curse.

Kono: I was bored shitless throughout the Blair Witch. Because you want all of those fuckers to die so they'll STOP TALKING. You're just sitting there waiting for something to kill them the entire time, and you never actually see it. It's bullshit. And I cannot wait for Where the Wild Things Are.

Elizabeth: I was kind of into the movie, at least. I liked it, in general.

Lailani: Watchmen? But parts of it were sooooo goooood. And parts of it were sooooooo baaaaaad.

Del-V: You are my fucking hero right now.

Erin: I can't read It. Scares the bejeezus outta me.

Ellie: Thank god there's someone around to put me in my place.

Stillie: Like I said, I really did like the movie in general. Good characters. I wanted them to fucking win.

Blues said...

Mainly, I'm scared of cockroaches.

Besides that, I get bouts of panicky attacky fear that seems to come from nowhere and I always, always, always start telling myself it's some kind of second sense that knows I should be scared, legitimizing the whole stupid thing. I start walking a little faster and wish that fuck face behind me would make a move down another street or pass me or whatthefuckeverwhyishewalkingsofuckingclosetome????????????? I don't get scared of movies or at home alone. It's mainly just walking in the city and it can be in broad daylight that I get scared.

Kitty said...

This is one of the best posts on a horror movie. Ever.

I finally went to see this show and thought about what you wrote while watching the show.