Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I Waterboard My Internal Conflict About Vacation Choices Until It's a Tortured, Irrelevant Mess

"Seriously. I'm going to Cancun. Me. Fucking look at me. I'm going to Cancun. Me. I am such a douchebag." I take a long drink from my beer mug.

Dainon shrugs. "What? Why? Why? Why does that make you a douchebag?" He's got that smirk on his face, you know, the one where people look at me like I'm a socially paranoid puppy.

"Well, I'm not twenty-one, first of all."

"Angela and I went two years ago. So what now? Are we douchebags?"

"Well, uh, whatever, you guys are a couple. It's only socially acceptable to go to Cancun on Spring Break or a romantic getaway. Duh."

"Who said...anything? Romantic getaway? I went with my wife."

I squint at him bitterly. "Yeeeeah, you guys totally did it when you were down there and you know it."

Angela, his wife, jumps in. "Rossi, honey, you are going to have a blast. Don't worry so much. Just bring plenty of bikinis. Our last trip I brought seven. I needed twice that."

"I don't even own a bathing suit. I should get on that."

Angela is baffled. "How can you...what?"

"You're a liar," Dainon interjects.

"You guys didn't know me when I was 30 pounds heavier," I snicker at them and cross my arms in defense, pretending that it wasn't a big deal when I was that overweight. "You'd prolly be thanking God, Ganesh and the stars that you never had to see that." (In retrospect, I prolly looked like eerily similar to Ganesh.) "I'm going to need SPF 200. But I might not even get a bathing suit," I flip over my forearm and push up my sleeve, proudly exposing not only my sweet tat, but the milky, alabaster skin beneath, "because I will totally match the sand."

Dainon cocks his head and furrows, wondering why my whiteness is so unacceptable, but Angela nods in agreement. "Yup, that's about right, you'd blend in with sugar." She grabs my arm. "Okay, in that case? On behalf of everyone who is naturally a bit darker, honey, please, promise me you won't get a flesh-colored swimsuit. 'Cause honey, that's just wrong. You might as well just lay out there with nothing."

"That's the plan." I joke about this now, but there is no way I'll have the balls to be all birthday suity.

"No matter what, you just do what makes you comfortable. Oh! You're gonna have so much fun, and you're going to meet people...let me tell you, Dainon and I met just the sweetest couple when we were down there. We hung out with them every day, went out to dinner and all that."

I am like scoffy magee. "Well, of course you guys found people to hang out with. You're like two of the friendliest, most accepting people in the world. I can't do that man, I'm a massive hater."

"What are you talking about? Oh, honey, you're no hater. I know haters, and you are not one." Angela laughs it off.

"Of course I am. Did you not hear me hatin' on Cancun?"

"Good point - she did do that," Dainon says, and does a cheap, bullshit imitation of me, "I'm not fucking twenty-one and I'm not in a fucking couple and Cancun is fucking bullshit."

"I hate you," I snap at him, and then pause to roll my eyes and point at my face.

"You're a hater," Dainon agrees.

"I never realized that before," Angela says with disbelief. "It all makes so much sense now. You are a hater."

"And I'm walking out of every single place that starts playing Jimmy Buffet."

"There are a lot of 'em."

"And I don't want to deal with all of the American assholes at the bars."

"Well, your resort is all-inclusive--"

"And I almost don't want to make friends with anyone 'cuz then I'm gonna feel guilty when I don't want to leave the resort and do their bullshit stuff."

"There's nothing wrong with that."

"Fucking Cancuny activities and all that business."

"You're there to drink on the beach, anyway."

"People will be all, 'Go to Chicken Itza' or whatever it's called. Like chicken. The place that looks like it's spelled chicken, but it's not and it looks like it should be, though."

Dainon just stands there unblinking, slowly shaking his head, watching my mind unravel itself.

"Oh, they'll all try to get you with that stuff," Angela explains. "When we were there, they were all, 'Let's rent jet skiis! Let's go snorkeling! Let's play beach volleyball! Let's see the ancient ruins!' and Dainon and I were like, Oh, no, you go on, I'm just going to finish off about twelve more of these frozen coconut things."

"Yeah, and everyone's gonna want to go to bars, go waterboarding--"

"Waterboarding?"

"Exactly, and I'm gonna be all, 'what if I don't want to go waterboarding?' and they're gonna be all, 'come on it'll be fun' and I'm gonna be all 'beach drinking is funner' and they're gonna be all--"

"Did you just say waterboarding?" Now Dainon is paying attention again.

"Yeah, you like can rent them at our resort."

"Waterboarding is available for rent?"

"Yeah," I shrug. "All non-motorized water sports--"

" And you will be...torturing war criminals with water inhalation?"

"No, it's like those kickboards---oohhhh, fuck."

"Is this the Spanish Inquisition?"

"Shut up, Dainon."

"Seriously, are you going to Cancun or Guantanamo?"

"I hate you so hard right now."

"You fucking hater."

...

24 comments:

Mrs. Booms said...

Your brain and massive amounts of over thinking things makes me tired.

I went to Cozumel 3 years ago. Granted it was my honeymoon, but I'm wearing the "douche" title proudly.

formerly fun said...

Just don't drink any Bananaramas in Cancun or you will feel like someone waterboarded you.

I had the worst hangover ever in Cancun thanks to them and my best friend projectile vomited her bananramas from her middle seat, past my lap straight out the window of our taxi without getting a drop of puke anywhere in us or the cab, fucking incredible.

Have fun, don't get raped.

Chamuca said...

You joke about the SPF 200, but that is really what you'll need. The sun is genuinely malevolent in his disregard for the white girls. I'm not kidding. He's a dick.

But fuck everyone for wanting you to go on outings. You're the one paying for it. Do whatever you want.

Plus, less money spent on outings = more money to spend on awesome woven ponchos and shit.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

I think 200spf is a good choice, that's what I use and it's still not enough. And I highly recommend board shorts and a tie dye shirt, but then again I highly recommend Jimmy Buffet-- so just ignore me.

Le Meems said...

Malia Mills is your friend.
Look her up. She made my two favorite bathing suits. They're spendy. But nothing is too much when you have to run from your towel to the blue, blue water.
Squished in, cute, comfy and pretty.
Also, get a big hat, you crazy white girl.

Sid said...

Erm I think the term is wakeboarding ...

Mae December said...

yeah, i get that you made the mistake of saying waterboarding instead of wakeboarding, but i don't get what your friend was teasing you with? the spanish inquisition? say what now?

Del-V said...

I hate Jimmy Buffet. Doesn't that count as torture?

hereinfranklin said...

For fuck's sake go buy a bathing suit and quit whinning about going on vacation.

Logical Libby said...

I bet you have such a good time you buy all kids of Cancun t-shirts (like "one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor") and wear them ad naeseum upon your return.

Rassles said...

Boomer: See, I don't necessarily even think that people who go to Cancun are douchebags. I just think that people are going to think I'm a douchebag. I have problems.

FF: I will do my damnedest to remain unraped.

Chamuca: Thing is, everyone that I'm going with is on the exact same wavelength. No one wants to do stuff that (1) cuts into our drinking time, and (2) we have to pay for. So all six of us are agreed that we just want to do nothing, and I'm overreacting about nothing at all.

Flora: I was strongly considering board shorts. Especially since it is DAMN impossible to find a suit off-season.

Meems: I should definitely get a big hat. You, my friend, are a genius. And I really love some of those suits - but the fact is, I have rent to pay.

Sid: Or boogieboarding. Whatever.

Mae: Waterboarding was inspired by torture they used during the Spanish Inquisition. Basically, shit that went down during the Spanish Inquisition is legendary torture.

Del-V: Yes, he certainly does.

Franklin: If only life were that easy.

Libby: I don't know about that, but now I'm really stuck on this big floppy hat idea.

Chamuca said...

Dude,it sucks it's winter already because stores don't have swimwear anymore.

When I went to Mexico, I got my only 3 bikinis at Old Navy. Like 12 bucks per top and bottom.

Which works out because I have the ass of a 12 year old, so I need a small. But I need an XL on top to hold the girls in.

Maybe look on Ebay? Just make sure you're getting new suits. You don't want some strange cooch to have already been in it.

The only time you want to see crabs in Mexico, is on your plate.

I guess that's a PSA about not hooking up with random dudes, too.

P.S. I'm not kidding about the SPF 200. The sun's a lot stronger than you think it's gonna be.

Blues said...

I'm excited for you to go to Cancun. Cause I know you're gonna come back and tell me all kindsa crazy shit and I'm gonna feel like I went too.

Come on though. You gots to go to Chichen Itza beotch.

Thanatos said...

I think you're the kind that hates "things" rather than the people who do said "things". Don't know if that makes you a hater.

We Indian people were born with a tan so we could save money on expensive beach vacations and tanning booths. But the old maker compensated by giving us made-for-comedy accents.

renalfailure said...

Maybe you have the same problem I have. You've got the song Common People stuck in your head, especially the lyric "Everybody hates a tourist."

Sid said...

No, no, no. Boogie boarding and wakeboarding are two completely different things. Geez Rassles you cut me deep with that comment.

Rassles said...

Well of course they're different things, silly. But I'd meant boogieboarding.

Rassles said...

Chamuca: I'm not too worried about it. Also, what? You think I didn't know it was hot in fucking Mexico?

Blues: There is no fucking way I'm taking fourteen hours out of my day so I can wake up at 7 AM, ride on a bus for five hours, hang out inland at the day's hottest, and ride the bus for five hours to get back. Fuck. That. Not relaxing, costs $100. If I'm seeing the ruins, I'm fucking doing it RIGHT, and where I take a week off and drive all across Mexico, and I'm going to Guatemala, too.

Thanny: Oh no. I hate the people who do the "things" way more than the things themselves. Jimmy Buffet chooses to write shitty music, and people choose to listen to it. I don't hate all Buffet fans, but I avoid the vast majority of them. I can hate all I want on that. But I don't hate shitty music. I love a lot of shitty music. I've been listening to Van Halen in my car for weeks, and it's the Sammy Hagar shit, because I love "Dreams" more than I'm willing to admit.

RF: And now I'm on youtube listening to Pulp.

Sid: You didn't really think I thought they were the same thing, did you?

thecheekofgod said...

I hate you. Vacation! Bitch . . .

;-)

Mongoliangirl said...

Is it wrong that I've always wanted one of those flesh colored bikinis that has a picture of an over easy egg on each boob?

Schmee said...

I agree with franklin. Only you could turn a nice relaxing vaction into something so NOT relaxing cuz you're ridiculously stressed out about people thinking you're a douchebag for going. You need to shut the F up cuz I would give anything to be going with you guys and you're stating to piss me off with you're complaining :)

Chamuca said...

Haha, you bitch. No shit, it's going to be hot in fucking Mexico. I'm just saying the sun's rays are super powerful and burn through sunscreen in like an hour.

I'm an Indian, went tanning before I left and still ended up super burned.

Which faded into a nice tan after a few days, which enabled me to pass for a Mexican, which enabled Mexican dudes to ask if I had a Mexican in me, and if not, "Would I like some?"

Chris said...

It's cool(ish) on the beach. Just never leave the beach. It's effing hot if you get more than 200 yards from the beach. Also, tequila. People in Mexico know how to make a margarita. Have fun.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Jesus, hater. It's a vacation, not a torture experiment. Stop stressing about what's going to happen when you get there or your expectations will ruin your trip.
Just show up and do whatever you want. Even if that means that you're sitting alone on your balcony the whole time drinking for free. At least you won't be at work.