Sunday, October 25, 2009

Why Can't I Just Play Along?

Because I've been obnoxiously defensive lately (I have to make fun of myself before anyone else does, when no one ever really cares, and they find this paranoia all too rotten and unsettling. It's also shockingly good for my complexion), today I went to a baby shower and hiked up my business to a new level of offense, and talked the entire time and hardly paid any attention to Mrs. Smith.

I wonder where this streak of insanity comes from? We're supposed to be celebrating creation and life, and all I do is sit and whine about being forced to play baby games, when in reality I should just suck it up and play along because we'll all be happier if we just make it fun instead of talking about how lame everything is.

It's outright rude of me to behave that way, brewing in discontent, blatantly wishing I was somewhere else. A good friend who is a good person asks me to take several hours out of one day of the year to celebrate the next stage of her life, and I act like a jackass.

It's not that I threw a fit, but I was just so critical, laughing and ridiculing everything. Why can't I just play along?

Baby showers and wedding showers and all that business are hard, because it means people have that next stage of progression. All it does is reinforce my own incompetence by not doing my biological duty to humanity. But it's not about me, I know. It's about Mrs. Smith and that basketball she swallowed, which I hear will eventually be a child.

It's not about me.

I have a selfish loathing when friends start families, because it means they aren't mine anymore. They never belonged to me, I know...but they just don't need me anymore. They don't need me nearly as much as I need them, and I don't think they understand how much I need them to survive.

They balance me. I'm a dry, slightly funny, slightly observant, plain girl who rambles on about unimportant things that no one ever really cares about or completely understands, but with them I have a part to play. I'm not a one-woman show. I can't do it on my own. I'm just not likable enough.

They have significant others, and they're starting families, and I will be the forty year old single woman at the bar getting drunk by myself, with no family, no career, a blog and a large DVD collection, rambling about how cool I was in college.

I've said that before, I think. That same line. It's a fear.

It means I have to make new friends which is FUCKING SCARY, because I irrationally crave acceptance and new people try to change me which just pisses me off. That or I should get my hands on a pony and dog and wander the countryside for the rest of my days. Which wouldn't be so bad, I think, because if there was enough countryside I could just wander forever. If I have no one around I can never feel brazenly inferior to everyone. Dissect that.

Be happy for people (saying something and embodying something are two different things). I am happy for Mrs. Smith, she is round and shiny and living her dream.

That's what it is. That's where the selfish jealousy comes from. It's because that they have something that they want.

It's because they have a dream in the first place.

My dreams are all fucky. Example: I'm living in a halfway house with a pet polar bear and a bionic bird, wearing a patchwork coat and goggles, hunting a blue gingham demon, and throughout the chase there is a goddamn leaky faucet that I turn off, over and over and over again - those are the dreams I have.

Of course there I things I want. I want to watch the next episode of Venture Bros. I want to make it to work on time.

But as of right now I have no dream to reach for. No matter what it is I will fuck it up, just like I fuck up everything else that I try to fix or accomplish. So right now...I guess my dream is to change my mind.

I've talked about all this before. I keep on writing the same blog entry, over and over again, saying it different ways, saying I need change, trying to change, and then snapping back into bullshit.

Dammit.

...

38 comments:

nursemyra said...

Hey Rassles you'd probably be surprised how many people harbour the same resentments when their friends' dreams come true. I've felt that way on several occasions and then I feel even more despicable because I can't just be pleased for them in some wholly unselfish way

It's just human nature but most people aren't willing to confess to it

Sid said...

Dude nursemyra is right. We all have those same fears. Turning 27 soon. No boyfriend. No house. Weekends spent watching TV. I'm afraid that 10 years later it will be the same fucking thing.

Kitty said...

I have been the awkward one my entire adult life. Had a kid at 18 when all my friends were in college.. Then when my kid started school I was the youngest one by about ten years. Oh boy, I never fit in.

My single friends were dear to me though and my having a family didn't stop us from hanging out.

For the record I fucking hate any sort of shower. Weddings too. i told my kids if they elope they get a cash bonus.

Chic Mama said...

Sorry you feel this way....hey I know that feeling about writing the same blog post....I do it all the time. Same rants, same moans, same sadness. I recycle my words all the time.
We don't really have baby showers here but I would imagine they evoke the same feelings a wedding does.....they're doing something that you're not...they've got something to look forward to.
I've started to try and think what i should be grateful for every week- sometimes I find it really hard.
Take care

Maryx said...

To repeat the sentiments... you're not alone. A lot of people feel the same way. I hate it just as much as you do. And I've got so much ahead of me. I just keep reminding myself that certain things happen for a reason. And they have to happen at the right time otherwise it won't be 'right'... if you know what I mean. I also hate that people are reaching for their dreams and meeting people and creating lives, all around me, whereas I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Yet I don't sit by looking at the rut... I TRY to get out. I try so hard.

And it's working.

It's actually working!

Keep fighting girl. And ... maybe you should tell your friends why you're acting up like you are at certain times. They are usually more understanding than you think. They don't realize what you're going through. But they will understand. Believe me sweetie. They will.

daisyfae said...

it sucks to be lost. i'm at a different place, but kinda aimless just the same. instead of finding a goal, or a dream, to pursue? i'm trying to get used to just farting around a bit... it has merit...

don't beat yourself up too much for the resentment... it really is human. some of us just are better liars...

sas said...

your fucky dreams are as awesome as baby showers are lame.

you just have a different script honey and its way more interesting than the white picket fence bullshit.

Chris said...

Rassles, you are anything but plain. Neopolitan perhaps, with sprinkles and all the strawberry still in the carton. As you can tell, you are writing about things people do care about. I was without dreams from 23 until well into my thirties. They will come.

Logical Libby said...

I just hope your dreams aren't a glimpse of the future. Except for the bionic bird thing, because that sounds COOL.

Jacob said...

Having kids is also pretty selfish, but very few people seem willing to admit that. Maybe that'll make you feel a little better about being a jackass, because we all are to some extent.

Hives said...

Did you watch the new Trailer Park Boys movie, Rassles? Bubbles describes something as 'fucky', hilarious!

I try to get out of situations when I have to go and hang-out with grownups. Sometimes I get accused of being a poor sport, and a selfish single childless lady. Whatev. I am happy for them but my life has a different path and pace. Suck it! It's not like they come out with me when I want to celebrate something.

Be patient with yourself!

Mrs. Booms said...

I have a friend who didn't show up for either of my weddings and certainly none of my baby showers because she just can't stand it. She did the same thing to our other friend.

And that was okay with me. I'm usually the one sitting there making fun of everything.

Also? When my friends get pregnant, I feel like I can't talk to them again until they give birth. Them, having a baby in them, is so weird to me.

And I've HAD kids. Maybe I didn't want anyone to talk to me when I was pregnant because I felt weird. I'm unsure.

DiaryofWhy said...

I recognize myself in this. I spent so many years being bitter and trying to convince everyone how stupid I thought everything was. (I still think things are stupid, but I try to keep it to myself more now.) And dreams are scary. If you don't have them then you can't be disappointed, right? At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Rassles said...

Nurse: I feel that way after I write stuff like this. Like, "Man, this is so terribly generic, and does not emphasize my individuality at all. I suck. Shut up, me." But it's therapy. I type it out, and then strangers read it, and then I feel better. It's good.

Sid: Houseless and single wouldn't be so bad if I was an astronaut or a spy or a freedom fighter or something, if I had a cause. Because then I could just tell myself, "What am I so sad about? I'M A GODDAMN SPY."

Kitty: See that? That would fucking suck. I would not have been able to emotionally handle a child at 18. I could not emotionally handle a child right now. No fucking way. So you win this battle, my friend.

Chic: I don't recycling my words, but it seems as if I have some sort of theme popping up here when I get all feeling-y. Now I just need to do something about it.

Maryx: Unfortunately, I don't believe that things happen for a reason (perhaps this is why I'm without a dream - because I don't believe that we all have a purpose). And my friends know. They hear me. Hell, I talked about this with them at the baby shower, which is why I feel like an ass, because I made it about me. So yeah, they all know "what I'm going through," even though I don't consider it an actionable phase, because it's a constant facet of who I am. But the friends...they read the blog, they kick me when I need it. That's why I rely on them so much. They know all of this, and understand it better than I do, I think.

Daisy: Farting around is glorious, and I'm really good at it.

Sas: Are white picket fences really bullshit? I mean, they hold in your dogs, and give kids something to climb over and paint in the summer. Nothing is better for kids than fences, because every single time you climb over one there's a rush of rebellion and freedom. Best feeling in the world.

Chris: Well sure, people care about this. But no one cares about how I feel about Cancun. Thank you all the same, sir. I don't mean to undermine your kindness.

Libby: It had a raptor beak, and it was some kind of parrot/vulture thing. I have no idea. Sometimes it was a finch.

Jacob: I agree, but I don't want to let them know that. People have the audacity to create a LIFE. Do they truly understand what they're doing? No.

(Also, people who give dogs to shelters should never be allowed to have children.)

Hives: I haven't seen you in awhile, friend...and the answer is no, I haven't seen TPB2, because we were going to drive out to Canada for opening weekend and then my friends fucking bailed on me, because they're a bunch of bailing bailers that commit acts of bailery. Bailers. (I am not bitter about this at all)

Booms: Some pregnant people are shiny, and some of them are Linda Blairy. I have a friend right now, a good friend, who is on engagement number four. In eight years? Some people wait twenty years for ONE engagement, and you've got FOUR? I am not buying her a present. I love her, but I'm not spending money on a relationship that will fail. I just don't trust that "this time, it's forever."

The Ambiguous Blob said...

It sounds like you just need some sort of passion in your life. Like I'm passionate about winning. I compete in ridiculous games and aim to take down my competitors. I cheat at arm wrestling. I win medals for playing darts. I place bets on song lyrics. It keeps me going- I find that people with some true talent have an easier time finding something to be passionate about.
Maybe you'd be a stellar bowler. Get bowling shoes and join a league. Then- you'll be so focused on your next game that these wedding/baby showers won't penetrate your mind so deeply.
Ha. I said penetrate.

Jane said...

I hate baby showers with a fiery passion. It has much less to do with jealousy and much more to do with hating to play patronizing baby shower games and drink non-alcoholic punch on my one free weekend afternoon.

But I do understand you being upset. It is hard to watch people "move on" without you. Just remember not to confuse HER dreams with YOUR dreams, and that just because HER dreams are coming true, it doesn't mean yours wont.

Rassles said...

DoW: Exactly. I just need to start appreciating things for the sake of balance.

Tabbie: Exactly. I need to just do something about it. Also, I am not a good bowler. But I do like throwing stuff.

Jane: Agreed, but I'm pretty sure I'm not in danger of that any time soon. Usually when someone wants something, I automatically do not want it just for the sake of being contrary. It's a problem. And to have my dreams come true, they need to exist in the first place. Mrs. Smith dreams of being a loving mother, and I dream of bionic birds. What the fuck.

Rassles said...

(by the way, you guys like how I started those both off with "exactly. I need" fucking blah blah blah?)

Le Meems said...

Pull your shit together Rassles.
If you keep writing the same posts and we all keep writing the same comments. We're in this fucky circular path and I like movin on up and out.

I had this boyfriend who was addicted to something that he kept saying he was gonna give up but he never did and he's still doing it and when I look back at him on the circular path, I just feel sad for him. Round 'n' Round.

Change the scenery.

It's ok to feel sad about not having the things you want. But it's also very important to take pride in the successes of others so they can take pride in your success and we can be all positive and supportive and shit.

You already know what you have to do. so go fucking do it. one day at a time.

Ginny said...

You are totally under-valuing yourself.

Yeah, the friends who are getting married and having kids are lame for a bit. Don't write them off, though. Because when they come up from under in 3 or 4 years, you're going to seem pretty damn shiny to them. My single, childless friends never need to arrange a babysitter, and when we get together, they don't talk about kids, which is pretty fragging novel.

I don't like showers either, or any rite of passage celebration, really. They make me itch, and I don't know why.

Ellie said...

You are one self-reflecting mother fucker, and that is a great attribute. Don't be so hard on yourself. The Internet loves you.

Chamuca said...

At the risk of dittoing everyone else's comments . . .

I was just thinking this last night. I was all depressed because this Halloween's gonna blow because all my friends are taking their kids trick-or-treating or have dates they're going partying with. I'm stuck sitting on my couch alone.

I'd be content with my life of not having the white picket fence thing going on, if I had something else I was doing that was worthwhile. Like a career I really loved, etc. But I don't even have a job. Loser City.

So, like everyone else said, you're not alone.

Jessica said...

I only like baby showers if they play that game where you cut a string and whoever cuts it closest to the size of the belly wins. I am awesome at that game.

renalfailure said...

I'm going to be the 40-year old guy at the end of the bar getting drunk by himself with an equally large DVD collection with no family and no career. Maybe if we're lucky we'll be at the same bar.

If I somehow end up a 40-year old woman at the end of the bar... then that's a more interesting tale.

Schmee said...

KICK. by the way we were all acting like jackasses and talking about our selves and how cool we were in college...that's pretty much what we do every time the circus reunites. doesn't really matter if the occasion is appropriate or not. I just get nervous when you're saying "fuck" "cunt" and "bush" in your loudass voice while there are families with small children sitting near by...fdkja;sdfkf

Schmee said...

Oh and I couldn't even swallow the first bite of that nasty mushed pea baby food for my game and I made a huge scene about it...who's the asshole now? :)

Kono said...

You worry to much, yes you should be nice to people when they are all happy and shit but really who gives a fuck, it's your life just live it, you're having what i call the 30something breakdown, i've seen many friends have it, around the time you hit 30ish you feel like you have to have all this shit done, why? cuz "they" say you should, i never had the breakdown but then again i am Ubermensch, when i turned 30 i was unemployed, slinging weed and was the happiest man alive, i lived like a fucking rock star, yet what's right for your friends might not be for you, you females are strange creatures, i think that's why i like you so much, don't worry and things will just happen and you see it all works out in the end, maybe not like in the movies but well enough, but who am i but a painkiller swallowing behometh who has to go home and carve pumpkins with his kids... i think you'll be fine Rassles.

Le Meems said...

the perfect change of scenery. A fuckin men!

Kono said...
You worry to much, yes you should be nice to people when they are all happy and shit but really who gives a fuck, it's your life just live it, you're having what i call the 30something breakdown, i've seen many friends have it, around the time you hit 30ish you feel like you have to have all this shit done, why? cuz "they" say you should, i never had the breakdown but then again i am Ubermensch, when i turned 30 i was unemployed, slinging weed and was the happiest man alive, i lived like a fucking rock star, yet what's right for your friends might not be for you, you females are strange creatures, i think that's why i like you so much, don't worry and things will just happen and you see it all works out in the end, maybe not like in the movies but well enough, but who am i but a painkiller swallowing behometh who has to go home and carve pumpkins with his kids... i think you'll be fine Rassles.

10/27/2009 11:15 AM

Thanatos said...

28 comments worth of advice, so all I'll say is - you are insanely cool and write extraordinarily well.

If I ever get into a situation when I have something I can't express (read : everyday), you're one I'm calling.

hereinfranklin said...

Look on the bright side. You're going to Cancun.

Kat said...

Dude...getting married is not all that. Believe me. It's great if you get married to the right person. And having kids is damn hard work and not for everyone.

I didn't get married till I was 40. I had some fucking good times, let me tell you. And it took me that long to find a man I could stand to be legally bound to.

Rassles said...

Meems: Kick.

Ginny: Thing is, it's in three or four years. Years. I could be dead. WHAT IF I AM DEAD AND I NEVER GET TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS THAT ARE MOMS WHEN THEY HAVE THE TIME?

Ellie: I can't turn it off. But thanks.

Chamuca: It seems that you get it way better than everyone else.

Jessica: I am goddamn horrible at every game ever.

RF: Your blog would get seriously weird if you threw in a personal sex change. I feel like that's the only topic you have yet to drop, but you could probably go through your archives and find an example that would prove me wrong.

Schmee: Hey, I whispered cunt, and I was quoting someone. But the other ones...yeah. Oops. Fucking children ruin my life. Don't you feel guilty for not making it about Sandy? I do.

Kono: Well of course I want different things out of life. I just don't know what those things are. I know what I DON'T want...

Meemers again: You are taking up all of my comment space, you attentionlover.

Thanny: Thank you, sir.

Franklin: CANCUN

Kat: It's more about, okay, so I want to get paid enough to clear my debt and not be miserable. I would also like a dog, and someday a pony. Or a dragon.

Schmee said...

no, I don't think there is anything to feel guilty about at all. we made it about sandy just by being there, and getting her awesome presents, and participating in the games even though we didn't want to...she was too busy to even notice that we were socializing and even if she had noticed she would have just joined in with our conversations. she's a wife and soon to be mother now, but she's still sandy. AND the whole point of that shit is for people to socialize! just because we didnt talk about her baby the whole time doesn't mean we aren't happy for her...i think this is once again in your head and you shouldnt be feeling bad about anything. well, maybe just about saying the "dirty words",oh and laughing during the prayer...but that's all...fjkda;sdf (end rant)

Erin said...

"My dreams are all fucky." I need to find an image to go with that sentence, and we'll put it on a sticker or a poster, and soon you'll be able to afford that polar bear.

Bev Really said...

I was going to write this exact same blog today, except I am not going to any baby shower nor am I jealous of any of my friends' selfish dreams coming true. Actually my own dreams are materializing before my eyes, and all I want to do is whine and complain about it, because if I get caught being happy for myself, someone might try to pop my bubble. But I do feel similarly about getting older and being single, and WTF am I doing with my life. where is the amazement, why should I sugar coat little things, like having my own personal hole in the wall apartment where I can lay around surfing the internet reading about other time wasters instead of finding some meaningful job out there, or just picking something to be passionate about. Hopw do you just pick somethig to be passionate about? anyway, I am so lazy I just want to steal your blog and re post it as my own, because its close enough to what I want to say. Heres a relevant picture I just found before I stumbled onto your blog.http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v719/mfmg03/christimas-ditto-competition-house.jpg

Andy Leyshon said...

You are what you think, if you think you're fun and sexy the universe sorts it out for you.
Ask and it is unconditionally given.
But be careful what you ask for, a close friend told me today she got a loving boyfriend who cared about her, was thoughtful, funny and basically everything she'd ever wanted.
They've just split up cos she forgot to ask that she loved him too...
At the end of the day though, life does feel shit at times, I've been divorced/cleaned out twice and at 46 am having to start all over again, again, but with the experience you gain as you get older, it's gets easier and this time round is actually turning out to be loads of fun.
Another thing is everything must balance at the end of your life so if you're having a shitty time now, just keep going and the good times will come, they have to, it's the most fundamental law of the universe and there's nothing we can do about it.
So keep smiling, stop worrying and imagine what you'd like your life to be like, trust it's going to happen and it will, its amazing.
Good luck regardless, Andy. X
P.S. In case your superpsychicness is away on holiday, check out AndyLeysh on StumbleUpon.com

Blues said...

I kind of get it.

I get it in that I beat myself up for my own envy of others.

I don't get it in that I have dreams that are really simple and are seemingly fulfilled by money (like getting a new fucking house) and other dreams that are extremely predictable, like having a kid and being normal like commercial and sitcom people. I forgot all about my dreams of spending my life traveling and living around the world. I forgot all about getting my PhD. And when I realize this I feel really sucky about it.

At this point, having the dreams I do have are not doing me any good, because they are out of my reach. The dreams I forgot about would have been easier ones.

Robyn said...

Yesterday I called my sister and she was so sad I jumped in the car and drove down the coast to just be with her for a bit… we talked and all was ok …. Before I left I was telling her about your blog. She loved it too; immediately. She started reading backward and last night she text me and told me to read this post.

Ok I'm commenting here 2 months late because I must. I realise (pls don't correct my spelling I'm Australian and we spell things differently and it shits me when I get corrected) that these people are your friends and regular readers and care about you and I am just a Johnny-Come-Lately but these comments for the most part suck.

I read this post and started crying. I mean tears streaming down my face because what you expressed is so real and raw and heartfelt. My sister feels so much of what you expressed and it fucking hurts to be so alone and afraid and lost and lonely even when you have great friends. I’m not flippantly saying it’s common or you’re not alone, or that it’s ‘generic’ (are you kidding me - referring to yourself or your writing or your post like that?) because it’s so not the point. It doesn’t make what you feel any less raw or real.

I think you need to express all the crap feelings when you have them, to your friends and here online and if you hate that you have to do that well too bad. I’m sure you have to listen to and read enough stuff about kids and babies to balance it out. It’s what you need to do – it feels like a constant facet (hmm so close to faucet) of who you are because it is; for now, and maybe a while more yet... however... maybe you should stop trying to turn it off (in your dreams and real life) stick a bucket under it instead. Catch it all until you work out a way to use it the way you want or need to in future. If you don't then throw it out.

Your friends need you too, much more than you and maybe even they (right now) realise.

Feel what you do when you do, be really sad, be uncertain and afraid – swim in it for as long as you have to. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue on finding new ways to be awesome.