Friday, November 27, 2009

Pilgrims are Gangsta.

I am quilting my ass off right now. Drunk.

Not really. I am in my brain.

Yeah. Quilting. This year, everyone's getting a fucking quilt. And they're gonna fucking like it. Probably just my dad. Whatever. I think I'm going to cut up one of Poppy's old suits and use that fabric. At least I want to, but I don't know how well that's going to work. We'll see.

I've never made a quilt before. This is some intricate shit. It's harder than that one time I made a New York Times-ish crossword puzzle about M.E. for her birthday, and that took weeks. Everyone was all pissed off. Jesus, Rass, why did you make it so hard? Shut up Sallies and deal with it, I can't help it if I'm a way awesomer present-giver ergo friend than all you guys.

Thanksgiving is a good day for white russians. Much like the day the spetznaz beat the green berets. Also: turkey exists, and that's pretty cool. So thanks.

Other things that I am thankful for: my dog, the "Be a Man" song from Mulan, my parents' washer and dryer, alcohol, and my Double Dare sweatpants. Best Thanksgiving ever. Oh, and you guys. Don't you be thinkin I forgot.

By the way, my cousin's wife strolled on into my parents house with a diamond necklace, and I was all drunk and , "Bitch, where'd you get that platinum chain with them diamonds in it?" and she just looked confused and said that it wasn't a real diamond and it wasn't platinum, and I tried explaining to her that me and MoLinder have been listening to a lo-hot of Ludacris lately and she was like, "Ohhhhh, I get it." But I'm pretty sure that was just so she could eventually segway into something far more relevant, like cornacopias or organic turkey something, neither of which are disrespectful to women nor straight up gangsta. Pilgrims are gangsta, though, because they will get all up in your shit and steal the fuck out of your land.

So after a delicious dinner of turkey, stuffing, and that green bean shit with all the crunchy business on top of it (I fucking love that green bean shit with crunchy business) me and the sisters were talking about how Katsisch's least favorite thing in the world was iPhones, right after asymmetry and cheese that is not parmesan. And I hate long fingernails and pretentious fucks who snootily say the name of a city in the accent that is local to that particular city ("Have you been to Pareee? We stopped through there on our way to Moon-chen, which is of course Deutsch for Munich." Really, skunkface? You smell like day-after-Thanksgiving toilet.)

And my Uncle Dick folded his arms and was like, "You girls should go on television. You all talk like those kids on TV, you know, the ones that you watch and you think, 'No one talks like that.' But you DO. You girls really do. This is wild."



Anonymous said...

the tv show idea. a damn fine idea. the two of you, on a sofa, with booze. and a chalkboard like glenn beck, but without the douchbagginess... you could have colored chalk.

renalfailure said...

Obviously you've watched Deadliest Warrior on Spike.

Captains and Coke are my weapon of choice for the holidays.

nursemyra said...

Uncle Dick sounds like fun. And what has Katsisch got against blue brie?

JMH said...

I don't know much about quilting, but I can see the appeal of giving (receiving) a gift that I would wrap around myself when I'm cold or sick or in need of comfort.

Now here's where shit gets weird. If I were to quilt, I'd want to put my own scent in that quilt, which would probably mean putting in a few squares made from unwashed clothing. Certainly the nature of the relationship would determine which (and which parts of which) articles I'd cut up. Unless I have lice, I don't see anything wrong with that.

If you're doing a wall-quilt, please accept my apologies and disregard my stream of consciousness. But why the fuck would a wall need a quilt?

la isla d'lisa said...

"Pilgrims are gangsta, though, because they will get all up in your shit and steal the fuck out of your land." This? Priceless.

Here In Franklin said...

Good luck with drunk quilting. When I knit drunk, I have to unknit the next day.

Kitty said...

Love the idea of making a quilt of old suits. That is one lucky soul on your Christmas list. Those are the best gifts, ones made by hand.

Stillie said...

I made that green bean shit with all the crunchy business on top of it. And you know what? It was the shit. (is that what you kids are saying these days?)

Sid said...

I'm thankful for ... my bonus cheque coming in this month. Oooh and I hate girls with long fingernails too. How do you get anything done with that shit?

Rassles said...

Daisy: Well technically, you came up with the idea eons before my Uncle Dick. And I call dibs on green chalk. Take THAT, sisters.

RF: Obviously.

Nurse: Katsisch is a stupid bitch. She eats Doritos, bread with butter, Cheerios, Granny Smith apples, parmesan mac and cheese, chocolate ice cream, Sweet Tarts and steak. That is all. And don't fight with her on it - she's like verbal quicksand.

JMH: I am most definitely not doing a wall quilt. Completely impractical. No, it's for my dad. And it's got the Notre Dame "ND" insignia patched into it, because he's one of those crazy Domer people.

Lisa: Why thank you. Additionally, their buckles are bling.

Franklin: I didn't really quilt drunk. I just kind of stared at my pattern and wrote a blog.

Kitty: I think I'm going to use it as a border. My dad would dig that.


Sid: Exactly. PLUS? It makes them look evil. Like, okay, you can have long fingernails all you want, because then I'm the good guy by default.

Le Meems said...

you + LUDA = my fantasies come true. Damn Gina. Thats HILLURRIOUS

Red said...

I'm thankful that you're blogging, esp. since Pistols stopped.

I say Paris. But did you know that the capital of Idaho is actually pronounced BOY-see? (No 'z' sound, as most Americans render it.) I've been there, dammit, and I say it like they do.

Schmee said...

Rassles my mom is a quilting machine. She has been quilting pretty much her whole life and we have a shit ton of quilt magazines laying around if you want some. She could give you some pointers too I'm sure. And was your Uncle Dick talking about Dawson's Creek and their crazy vocabulary?? I heart that show...

A Free Man said...

I always thought that Thanksgiving was a good day for vodka. My best Thanksgiving prior to when I quit drinking was vodka and caviar in Seattle. Best since, weird fish stew in Madeira.

I had Yank family here this year and was on vacation so we got to do a proper Thanksgiving.

Blues said...

How in the fuck can you tell me that you´re blog has been sucking lately. This was some funny shit.

But wait, I´m confused. I thought you wanted a dog. And now you´re thankful for your dog. Did you get a dog when I wasn´t looking?

P.S. Green bean casserole is on par with blocks of cheese.

Blues said...

By the way, I´m going to tell you how my thanksgiving went down because I haven´t been blogging and I want to tell you.

We decided not to do thanksgiving because we are in the middle of THE BIG MOVE and so we decided that since these Spanish people we do thanksgiving for don´t notice the difference, we can move thanksgiving to any day we want, and so we decided to do it next weekend, after we are unpacked and settled in our new house.

But then thanksgiving rolled around and I hadn´t planned anything and was really fucking sad that there was no green been casserole and no turkey and I made my husband improvise a turkey dinner for me in thirty minutes or less. He bought pre-made pumpkin soup (points for pumpkin), a roasted chicken (points for poultry), made me instant mashed potatoes (minus points for that nasty shit), and something called ´migas´ which is like fried bread which I think he thought was going to be similar to stuffing, except that it tastes like pork rinds.

Holy crap was it shitty, but well intentioned. I´m going to make the crunchy green been business this weekend and I can´t wait to eat that bird finally. I´m never postponing thanksgiving again.

Guess what else? I moved and we painted the walls. You´d be proud of my ability to hire a painter.

Rene said...

I get the hatred of those who say Paree and Munchen, but Deutsch is really fun to say! Me and Deutsch felt kinda bad that you put it in italics there. No need to apologise though, just say Deutsch a couple times tomorrow.




mama to isabel said...

in. love. with. you.
your blog = green bean with crunchy business on top.

(and i can cook the shit out of that dish!)