Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I Am A Blood Traitor

My sister, as it turns out, is extremely upset with me for misquoting her in my previous blog entry. She didn't read it, of course, because I refuse to let her read this site at all - but I repeated a phrase to her and she sharply corrected me and demanded I print a correction, exclaiming - and this is verbatim - "You cannot write defaming and libelous things about me on your shitty blog! Blood traitor!" and then she made me write it down on the back of an Extra Value Liquors receipt.

So I've decided to post up a conglomerate of brilliant things my sister has said to me over the years.

"I loathe mayonnaise. It is my least favorite thing after asymmetry and cheese that is not powdered."

You read that correctly. Katsisch was adamant that I properly modify my former declaration and the appropriate distinctions be made, because, "Nacho cheese Doritos are not parmesan, duh" and "I eat Smartfood, too" which is probably where she learns all of those big words. Katsisch is a big fan of faux cheese flavor and Kraft parmesan, not blocks of actual cheese. She's disgusted by the thought of it, in fact.

She orders cheese pizza and tosses the cheese, like mozzarella is just protective covering for the sauce. "It only cooks properly if there's cheese," she explains, "and it only tastes good without it."

We are very different.

"I love my Dearfoam slippers. Without them the ground is cold and unyielding."

I repeat this often and shamelessly pawn "cold and unyielding" as my own.

"Brevity and ridicule are the panacea of our lives."

Which is a direct quote from when my aunt died from liver cancer years ago.

"Are you talking about the Civil War? That is my very favorite war!"

So I'm explaining to my dad how I had to get rid of a favorite shirt because of unfortunately-placed stains. I have big boobs and poor hand-eye coordination, which is why I am not a fucking surgeon.

Anyway, I said my shirt looked like "Spotsyvlania" and Katsisch thought I was referencing one of her favorite Civil War battles, and she literally runs and slides into the room to shanghai our conversation. Apparently she likes a good face-off between Grant and Lee. Previously unaware that Spotsylvania even existed, I wikipedied it while Katsisch yelled and called me "unpatriotic" and "a dirty cheat engaged in lies and trickery" while she blasted the American public for being unfamiliar with their country's history.

Normally I would say something like, "Dude, can you name every battle in every war this country has fought?" but that would be redundant, because I'm sure she can spout them off chronologically up until the end of World War II, just like she can name every primary presidential candidate, their political affiliation and the historical and social significance of each election. Bitch. Is. Crazy.

Then again, you know, that's what I'm like with movies, sooooo....whatever.



Logical Libby said...

I always peel everything off my pizza. I think it's one of the reasons my husband and I got married. He likes the toppings, I like the crust.

I wouldn't wear Dearfoams though. That's fucked up.

M. said...

that is hilarious.

she kinda makes me think of River from Firefly.

nursemyra said...

I think I've said this before but I want to hang out at one of your family gatherings. But maybe just in the room next door

Anonymous said...

now that you mention it, i've never seen a surgeon with giagantic boobs...

Chamuca said...

The Dearfoams with the rubber bottoms? Because I will back her up on that one. I have to have slippers with the rubber bottoms.

In fact, I just bought some new slippers for myself yesterday. I swore I would never get a pair of Ugg boots, but my circulatory system is failing me in my old age, and my ankles get cold. So I broke down and bought some Wal-Mart knock-off Uggs to keep my ankles warm. =( I hate myself, both for the "Ugg" boots and for going to Wal-Mart to get them.

Kono said...

Oh Gettysburg, i remember going there on a school field trip and staring at the fields all quiet and peaceful, the tall grass growing in the warm breeze of the Pennsylvania spring, it was if you could hear the whispers of the dead... did i mention i did like 10 bong hits before i got on the bus.

Loathe mayonaisse and cheese? i thinks your sister is the unpatriotic one not only for defiling the most holy pizza but for shunning two of the most important staples in the H'american diet.

renalfailure said...

I like the part of the Civil War where General Sherman marches to the sea and burns everything in his path. If the Union gets to burn Atlanta again, I want in on that.

Red said...

Isotoner kicks Dearfoam ass.

A Free Man said...

Is your sister a Slytherin?

Ellie said...

She. Sounds. Like a unique kind of. Braniac.

Or else she is a mentalist.

Blues said...

My sister does the exact same thing with pizza, it´s fucking nerveracking. Anyone who disses blocks of cheese should have their head examined.

erin said...

Sometimes cheese makes pizza too hot for me, so I take some off to make steam holes if it's fresh out of the oven. That way I don't burn my tongue so bad.

Trouble said...

I'm seriously stealing that line about big boobs and poor hand/eye coordination.