Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I Totally Fight Back

As some of you know, it is my birthday, and I will accept any of the following gifts:

1. shiny six-legged horses that you can plug your hair into and steer with your mind
2. flying fluorescent dragons with chocolate stains that you can totally ride
3. hammerhead rhinoceri with feathers
4. big giant robot suits with secret knives that you can wear

From the above list, you may have guessed: I saw Avatar.

It was pretty, but really dumb. Like James Franco in everything. Or Mark Wahlberg (I am a fucking sucker for those Wahlbergs). Or me, with my super hot 3D-hindering glasses and turtle legs and sweet fighting moves.

I just made up this rule: I am awesome at segways (segue is a stupid, downright unAmerican way to spell it). You see, mentioning my skills as a fighter is a charming, slippery segway sentence into the following very important story:

So I got into a fight on New Year's Eve which involved getting accidentally felt up and assaulted by some random dude who was in a completely different fight while I was waiting in line for the bathroom. He was thrown into me from close range - pinned me against the wall, slamcracked my head into the plaster with one hand and then wrapped his arm around me. I mean, it was probably to steady himself, but dude snatched my boob right after he hurt my head real bad. So, in suitable drunken retaliation, I grabbed him by the neck and jammed my hand into his lower back. Damn near folded him in half, but come on, don't do that shit, dude.

Apparently I fight back.

I didn't know that I would actually fight back, you know? Like you always want to be able to say you would fight back if someone attacked you (yes, I know this was accidental, but it still hurt and surprised the hell out of me) and now I know. I will fight back. I probably know judo.

And then the guy at the coat check jumped over his half door yelling, "break it up, break it up!" and I let go and held up my hands while the Accidental Assaulter called me a crazy bitch, and I gently reminded him not to fucking touch me again.

I was embarrassed for the rest of the night. Still am a little, which is why I'm telling the story over and over again until I'm comfortable with my sanity.

Oh, and then some stupid bitch asked if she could cut in front of me in the bathroom line because, and I fucking quote, "I just got engaged, so it's kind of my special day." It was hilarious. Being engaged doesn't make you special, girl, unless your fiance is James Franco. Or Mark Wahlberg.

...

32 comments:

daisyfae said...

badass. just like the ol' "CAN I HELP YOU?!?" except with the infliction of pain.

he had it coming.

"...unless your fiance is James Franco. Or Mark Wahlberg."

or an 8' tall blue cat-looking thing with a ripped body... Avatar. Pretty AND stooopid. Loved it.

Chamuca said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I love that you punched that guy. Fuck yeah, don't grab Rassles' titties, you dick!

Also, James Franco is dreamy. He looks like James Dean (hell, he played him in a movie), and I don't feel all weird about lusting after him, since Franco hasn't been dead for over 50 years. Ewwww. . .

Ginny said...

I know you don't want sympathy, I'm not giving it to you, but I fucking hate that it happened. "I was embarrassed for the rest of the night. Still am a little," What is that instinct? It's happened to me, and I've felt the same way. Which is completely fucked up and backwards, but it's where I went. Blech.

Onto better things, Happy Birthday, lady!

renalfailure said...

Capricorn, eh?

Are you starting a new martial art? Rassjitsu: The Way of the Turtle Leg.

Sid said...

I totally love Mark Wahlberg.

Happy Bday Rassles.

Hmmm ... yeah ... my boobs have totally been used to steady a guy from falling. Gone are the days when guys just wanted to feel me up. Now it's all, "I'll only touch it if I'm falling down a flight of stairs."

jessica said...

be embarrassed that you didn't break a bottle over his head! he deserved it!

Kelly (conversemomma) said...

I fight back too. I fight hard. I thought I was not ashamed of it, but recently I realized that I still was. Need to get over that.

Logical Libby said...

Her "special day"? Oh, wow, that boy should RUN!!!

Del-V said...

Happy birthday!

Mrs. Booms said...

Happy Birthday.

I hate feeling embarrassed about something like that.

I also hate typing the word "embarrassed"... I'm all, when do the double letters stop?

Double letters jack me up. I spelled my middle name Yyvvoonnee when I was like 5 because I couldn't remember which letter was double and figure I covered it that way.

So, from no on you are Rraasslleess. Which is ridiculous.

And, I'm glad you weren't really hurt.

Let me know if you get the hair horse. Also? I haven't seen Avatar so now I'm not sure what to think at all. But my son has all of those blinky ass Avatar toys that McDonalds gives out in their happy meals, because obviously my parenting skills should be questioned.

I'm sorry this comment was more about me than you.

I'm an asshole.

Red said...

You totally have the same birthday as the first guy I ever loved. We never dated and we're totally friends on Facebook, but I didn't email him or post on his wall or anything. Not a huge sign of progress, maybe as I've been over it for roughly a decade, but it feels like some sort of achievement, however small.

Red said...

And, I hope you had a really great birthday! Sorry I didn't lead with that.

I don't know that I'd be able to fight back, but go you. On the other hand, no one's ever randomly grabbed my boobs, so maybe I would.

Thanatos said...

Happy Birthday, break someone's nose today.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Happy birthday!!! I kinda could tell you'd be a fighter.

gyna said...

maybe you should move to the jersey shore with those fightin' skillz

nursemyra said...

I thought when you mentioned being awesome at segways you meant riding one of those two wheeled electric ones

Mongoliangirl said...

Happy birthday Rass!
I agree that it's GOOD to know you will fight back. Alas, the newly engaged woman clearly didn't pick up on that. Bitch.

Chris said...

I would have bet a lot of money that you would be one to fight back. It's a good thing. My ex-wife got felt up by a guy outside of a bar in Dallas, chased the guy down and beat him severely with one of those Dr. Scholl's wooden sandals.

Jon said...

I'll be honest, I've staged fake fights before to "accidentally" grab a random chick's boobs. I'm not proud.

Happy birthday at least!

Le Meems said...

So what? a quick physical assault. Big deal. I do that shit for fun, whether or not the person even FUCKING deserved it.

I threw a drink in lailani's FACE the other day because she interrupted me like 14 times.

People, can basically, suck it. You tell'em I said that too. Now wipe that shame faced expression off your face. Eteneral Sunshine of the Spotless Mind that shit from your memory and hold your head up high.

If you didn't have awesome reactions to shit that stood out uniquely no one would love you as much.

Anonymous said...

Le Meems is full of it. She threw the drink on my CLEAVAGE when I interrupted her 3 times.

Then later, she layed on the hood of a porche outside a club in a lovely, but kinda rough neighborhood.

Fight for the thrill of it. And don't take no lip.

Blues said...

Bummer, cause I was totally gonna buy you a lucha libre mask.

Blues said...

Oh and by the way, Happy Birthday, my turtly bitchcrazy fighter.

formerly fun said...

Happy Birthday and oh, can you get a time machine and go back to years 1986 through like a year before I married my husband and back whack every guy who copped an uninvited feel?

And that girl, the one who thinks it's her special day, uh, she is so not going to survive marriage.

And by the way, my word ver is phork, I think that guy was trying to phork you no?

Rassles said...

Daisy: I actually really didn't love Avatar. I was pissed.

Chamuca: PLUS, you know, the guy's acting resume includes every kind of role that a good dreamboat should have, including but not limited to: High school hot guy, buddy duo, comic book movies, playing a famous actor, and a soap opera.

Ginny: Seriously, why was I embarrassed? Because I overreacted drunkenly, that's why. I should have shoved him, or slapped him, or done something other than grabbing him by the fucking throat and pushing.

RF: Classes begin Friday.

Sid: Exactly. Maybe that's why I was embarrassed - because the only guys that want to touch my boobs do it accidentally.

Jessica: If I'd had a bottle, I might have.

Kelly: I have never needed to start a physical fight before. Except for the one time in junior high when I punched a kid in the ear.

Libby: But haven't you noticed that most bride-to-be bitches you meet have that same mindset? Because I feel like women like that are the only ones that manage to get married in the first place.

Del-V: Thank you, sir.

Boomer: Skip Avatar. It's skipable. BUT: it could be worth it just so we could spend hours making fun of it.

Red: I also have the same birthday as Joan of Arc. It was a first for me too.

Thanny: That involves aim and strength, and I'm battling a two-day hangover right now. We'll see.

Ambi: I give you a new name like every time you get around here.

Gyna: But then we'd have a situation, what with all the situations in the same place.

Nurse: I am also awesome at riding those. You have no idea.

Mongo: She was just plain annoying. Not worth the strength.

Chris: I had no idea I could use something like that as a weapon. Then again, maybe I did know subconsciously and have never been given the chance due to the fact that I've never had wooden sandals. Curious.

Jon: That makes me feel far less embarrassed. I hope he did it accidentally on purpose.

Meems: Oh, well, I mean I'd throw my drink on friends. Usually it's something that will stain, though, like butter. Smacking people I love and grabbing a stranger's throat are different things.

Blues: Thank you, my transiently blogging friend in Spain. You say things that are Spanishy and wonderful.

FF: Guy definitely wasn't trying to phork me, but "fork" is totally my substitute curse word around my family.

Anonymous said...

How the fuck could there be a porsche in a rough but lovely neighborhood. STOP HATING OAKLAND.

jesus criminy.

Le Meems said...

oops that was me, not ambig or lailani or anyone else.

also, you aren't invoking the change we talked about. no more self-deprecation. dudes can smell that shit a mile away. so no, ppl don't just accidentally touch your boobs. they probably all want to touch your boobs but are scared too, because of the VIBES you're throwin out there girl.

Man that guy went through alot of trouble. He spent $80 on teqiza and tequila rose shots. THEN he threw himself into you in the hopes of touching your lady bits. and after all that effort you STILL turned him down.

man.

A Free Man said...

Being engaged is the opposite of special. And good on you for kicking a guy's ass. Sure, it was probably an accident, but I guarantee you that he had it coming for something.

And Happy Birthday!

nursemyra said...

Did anyone give you a giant robot suit? I totally would if I could find one that was affordable

Blues said...

I'm not gonna be transient anymore, I promise. It's that one post after a long absense that's the hardest one to write. Hey, today is my B-day too, fellow Capie.

Schmee said...

Hah! you have actually punched someone in the ear?? fight club style?? that's amazing...

"you hit me in the eaaar!"

Jillian said...

The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about fight club. I'm so glad you're a rule breaker.

And there is no shame in loving Marky Mark. No shame at all.