As some of you know, it is my birthday, and I will accept any of the following gifts:
1. shiny six-legged horses that you can plug your hair into and steer with your mind
2. flying fluorescent dragons with chocolate stains that you can totally ride
3. hammerhead rhinoceri with feathers
4. big giant robot suits with secret knives that you can wear
From the above list, you may have guessed: I saw Avatar.
It was pretty, but really dumb. Like James Franco in everything. Or Mark Wahlberg (I am a fucking sucker for those Wahlbergs). Or me, with my super hot 3D-hindering glasses and turtle legs and sweet fighting moves.
I just made up this rule: I am awesome at segways (segue is a stupid, downright unAmerican way to spell it). You see, mentioning my skills as a fighter is a charming, slippery segway sentence into the following very important story:
So I got into a fight on New Year's Eve which involved getting accidentally felt up and assaulted by some random dude who was in a completely different fight while I was waiting in line for the bathroom. He was thrown into me from close range - pinned me against the wall, slamcracked my head into the plaster with one hand and then wrapped his arm around me. I mean, it was probably to steady himself, but dude snatched my boob right after he hurt my head real bad. So, in suitable drunken retaliation, I grabbed him by the neck and jammed my hand into his lower back. Damn near folded him in half, but come on, don't do that shit, dude.
Apparently I fight back.
I didn't know that I would actually fight back, you know? Like you always want to be able to say you would fight back if someone attacked you (yes, I know this was accidental, but it still hurt and surprised the hell out of me) and now I know. I will fight back. I probably know judo.
And then the guy at the coat check jumped over his half door yelling, "break it up, break it up!" and I let go and held up my hands while the Accidental Assaulter called me a crazy bitch, and I gently reminded him not to fucking touch me again.
I was embarrassed for the rest of the night. Still am a little, which is why I'm telling the story over and over again until I'm comfortable with my sanity.
Oh, and then some stupid bitch asked if she could cut in front of me in the bathroom line because, and I fucking quote, "I just got engaged, so it's kind of my special day." It was hilarious. Being engaged doesn't make you special, girl, unless your fiance is James Franco. Or Mark Wahlberg.