Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Strongest One There Is

This morning I turned into the Hulk and ripped the fuck out of my shirt. Staring in the mirror, hating things. Angry. Like shirts and work.

I was late. I blame quilts.

No, I blame my hands. Very ambitious hands. I do not have an ambitious mind or ambitious eyes, but my hands are ridiculous.

So I'm analyzing my reflection as I slip my arm through my sleeve, and it pinches and rips. Very slight. Eyes narrow. Narrow is bad. Narrow eyes, minds, alleys, smiles, all bad. Do not trust people with narrow things about them.

I don't really need sleeves, do I?

Find someone with an open, growly, gutsy voice.

No, I do not need sleeves.

So I ripped one off. It was incredible, like out of a movie, I just grabbed that fucker and ripped it right off. And then I tried the other one and I could not do it. My left hand, left arm - not stronger than my right sleeve. Lesson learned.

Scissors, after beer and the wheel, are humankind's greatest invention. Then the screwdriver.

That was so much better. So now, now I have no sleeves. It's under a sweater anyway, no one can tell, but that doesn't mean I'm not sitting here at my desk smirking and feeling like a fucking bad ass.

Smash puny humans.

...

19 comments:

mntnlover77 said...

What a coincidence- I morphed into She-Hulk yesterday. Work-related.

Sometimes you gotta smash the fuck outta some shit and rip your shirt to shreds!

Jacob said...

There are experts who believe that beer is actually what domesticated humans and turned us from being hunting and gathering bad asses who tended to be better fed (although less consistently fed) into sedentary farmers who were less well nourished but more consistently so. Then we got better at farming and got fat.

But that's the reason that the Europeans were dwarfed by the American Indians they met on first contact and why Europeans are now giants. They eat better than earlier versions of farmers. More variety. Luckily for those short malnourished Europies, they had better diseases and farming gave them time to think about how to kill people more efficiently.

Beer did all of that, so I'm glad you put it in first place.

Chamuca said...

Screwdriver like the handtool? Or like the drink?

formerly fun said...

Husband feels the same way when I let him rip an old pair of undies off me. I'm going to try the shirt sleeves myself, sounds like cheap therapy.

daisyfae said...

"Very ambitious hands."

you should masturbate more. yourself. friends. strangers. that's a bigger win than shirt-ripping...

MoLinder said...

i had no idea that when you walked in the door, your shirt was fucking sleeveless under your sweater. mind blown.

Mae December said...

LOL

and that's all I gotta say about that.

renalfailure said...

Daisyfae's on to something. Let's see how ambitious those hands of yours really are.

sid - damsel in distress said...

I never morph into The Hulk. It's always damsel in distress - tears, quivering lip ... Once, just once I'd like to feel like I can stomp on some assholes head.

nursemyra said...

oh Rassles you always crack me up

Del-V said...

Roid Rage!!!!

Blues said...

Alright, you just gotta work on that left arm, you badass.

A Free Man said...

I think the wheel is overrated.

Mia Watts said...

I fucking love the way your brain works. Narrow is indeed the culmination of all things bad. Even narrow thongs are just against nature and oh so binding. Bad assiness is awesome, especially when done on the sly. It's like your own secret identity.
Rassles, the fucking superhero.

Chris said...

I just wanted to point out a severe lack of talking about me on this blog.

Mrs. Booms said...

I have a hole in my armpit and I can't button this shirt over my boobs, but it's under a sweater and I found this shirt at a thrift store and fell in love with it... I just rig it to work.

I should just rip shit off it.

Ellie said...

Please spare us. We are your friends.

Jillian said...

I would like to submit that narrow hips should be included in that list.

Even though Bel, Biv and Devoe would have us believe that a big butt and a smile should be mistrusted, I'd say that narrow hipped bitches are WAY worse.

Here In Franklin said...

So what about Mexico--I'm thinking it was either really, really fab or really, really horrendous.