Saturday, March 20, 2010

Well met, me.

So this one time I got drunk.

It was ridiculous.

It happened like what? Ten minutes ago? I amdrinking water right now.

Not the night itself, just the drunkensess. Drunken-ness. Whatever.

I try to be goo d at typing, and sometiems I fail. Fuck you for judging me.

Me and Phil just played moose with vodka instead dof beer and let me tell you, it is a good time. No, no it's not. I do not recommend undertaking such endeavors. It is not a good time. My head hurtsk amd my fucking trachea or muy windpiped...lungs? Whatever, I 've got goddamn heartburn because moose is not meant for vodka. And I had like, what? three shots? SALLY. I mean granted, been drinking for hours. Like eight of them. Who's counting? Fucking sesame street draculas, that's who. Sheep and ceraeal and horsehit.

BUT on the plus side, I will rememerb this. I know because I am typing, and I rememvber my words, even though I might not be

You know what? Fuck you for judging. It was Soger's birthday and we went to this piano bar which was horseshit. REally, I mean, if you're going to boast your game and promote dueling pianos (fuck you backspace) thend shouldn't you at least have learned the dueling banjos ON THE PIANO? I am bery upest here.

I have just decided that the creaters of Strawberry shortcake (the fucking cartoon, not the delicious dessert) decided to make her say "berry" instead of "very" because they used typewriters or something and they kept on hitting B instead of V fand it confused the fuck out of them. Then they definitely sat around and debating using hte typewriter equivalent of white-out, which we all know is that stupid ass correction tape that comes out of those little dispensers that are actually quite adorable, but not necessarily fun to use because they look like little tiny movie projectors BUT THERE ARE NO MOVIES TO BE HAD and it's totally false adversiting.

Ajnd that is what I have deicided.

Fuck you for judging.

By the way, I am awesome at moose, and I am prolly gonna get ordained so I can marry people. By "prolly" I mean "definistely" and by "definitely" I mean "dude so many people want me to marry them in the ministerial capacity it's not even funny." self high five. Insert archaic reference HERE. Do not be mistaken, I speak not of courtship. I speak of a ujniversal understaing amongste everyone that I am the authority, and the conjoining of their business is unofficial until I have deemed it so.

Also, there are very importnant thigs to be done, like sleeping and sending out drunken emails, wchich I actaully regret abstaining from last weekend because you know what? Abstinence is bullshit. All it gives you is low-self esteem and an overall feeling of ugly worthlessness. For realsies.

Also, I misuse hyphens. Apparently.



renalfailure said...

Not sure I've ever played Moose. What does that entail?

M. said...


Anonymous said...

if i ever got married again, i'd have you perform the ceremony - but only if you'd just finished playing moose with vodka.

Chris said...

You write better drunk than 98% of the people I know can do at their best.

Chamuca said...

I agree with Chris. I can only dream about what a drunken conversation is like.

Anonymous said...

I so need to have 'my business conjoined'

Stella said...

I didn't get drunk until I was 30....long story.

Kristen said...

LOVE this!

Berry Berry Mimi said...

This is not a joke.
I am perfectly serious, I'll introduce you on facebook.

My friends mom INVENTED STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE IN THE 70'S! She drew the very first representations of them.

See, stick with me kid. We're FUCKING going places.

Schmee said...


Oh my god I'm dying...I can't believe you blogged this night. Is this why you fell asleep on the uncomfortable couch by my computer?? makes a little more sense now...also makes sense why there was a lone vodka bottle and ice cube tray sitting on my island in the morning...classic

Sid said...

Yes, what is this Moose game you talk about? Drinking game? Board game? Playstation game?

Blues said...

Hyphens are my nightmare.

Did you drunk dial me the night you wrote this? by the way, if you drunk email people, and they reply, you have to drunk reply. So I'm waiting for you to get drunk again. Although I didn't get drunk when I answered you , but I should have.

Guess what? I think I'm allergic to alcohol or some shit. Every time I drink beer I throw up. It is so fucking hard to live in this country without being able to drink beer. It's almost impossible. I might have to move.

By the way, there's a game here called moose but I'm pretty sure it's not the one you play there.

Schmee said...

For those of you who were asking about moose, I will explain since Rassles is slacking. Moose is the second best drinking game in the world...flippy cup being the first.
To play you need: an empty ice cube tray, a coffee mug, a quarter, and mass amounts of beer. Place the ice tray in the center of a table with the coffee mug at the end of it. Fill coffee mug to your liking with beer. Take turns bouncing quarter off the table towards ice tray and mug. Right side of tray is give, left side is take and how ever many slots up you get the qaurter into the tray (minus the top right and top left slot) is how many drinks you give out or have to take yourself. If someone gets the quarter in the top two slots of the tray everyone has to yell "MOOSE" and put their hands up to their head, bullwinkle style...last one to do this has to drink the coffee mug of beer. If someone gets the quarter in the coffee mug of beer they get to pick someone to drink it. Prepare to be very drunk after playing.

Rassles said...

Schmee, I had this whole blog post planned and now you fucked it all up. We are so in a fight right now.

Ellie said...

I want to be your moose.

Schmee said...

oops! Sar dude. Post it anyway! I'm sure it will be much more entertaining than my explanation. I was just trying to help your people bad.