Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I Only Get Lost When Other People Give Me Direction, or: I Do Good at Metaphors

(I wrote this like, last summer and never published it. So...yeah.)

"Can I see the map?" I ask Muffy as we're walking to my car.

"Don't worry about it, I know how to get there."

"I don't give a shit, I'm going to get lost if you're giving me directions."

"Dude. You're not listening to me. I know how to get there."

"And you're not listening to me: I WILL GET LOST. Seriously. Can I please see the map?"

"Just trust me, okay?"

"I do trust you. I just trust my frustration more. Please give me the goddamn map."

"Dude, it's not hard to get there. I've been there before. I like, go there all the fucking time."

"I don't give a shit if you go there, you could paint the route on the fucking streets with fucking ice cream and I will still get lost if I don't know where we're going."

"But I know where we're going."

"Jesus Christ, give me the map."

"Okay, all we do is take 88 to fucking 39-"

"Please. Give. Me. The map."

"I'm fucking telling you how to get there!"

"YOU FUCKING TELLING ME IS WHAT GETS ME LOST. I can't follow directions."

"How can we get fucking lost--"

"All I need is to look at the map. "

"--if I'm in the car sitting right fucking next to you."

"You know, I will find a way out of spite," I mutter as I hand her my car keys.

Muffy reaches into her pocket and hands me a folded scrap of paper in return. "Here. I wrote them down."

Wave it away. "I cannot follow written or verbal directions, it fucks with my bearings."

Muffy scoffs at me and unlocks her door. "I should just fucking drive."

"Shut up, I'm driving," I pull my door handle, thunking it a couple of times. "I don't want to listen to your shitty punk music."

"Harsh, dude. Harsh." She tosses my keys back to me over the top of my car before climbing into the passenger seat.

"Seriously," I unlock my door and trip a little as I sit down, "Shit. I just look at the map, see where we are and where we need to fucking go and I will fucking get us there, I don't need street names or nothing. Fucking beginning and end. Boom. Done." Slam the door.

"Dude, I will be telling you directions like step by step."

"Seriously, if you're just sitting there telling me what to do I'm gonna get pissed off and like subconsciously fuck it all up, and then I'm going to blame you in the back of my head."

"Maybe I don't want to give you the map."

"Then we're just going to be miserable all fucking weekend, because we'll be all hating each other."

"Ha ha! Dude, you are so psychologically fucked."

"Please give me the fucking map before I fucking cut it out of your fucking hands."

"Okay. Jesus," she pulls a second piece of folded paper out of her pocket and throws it on the dashboard. "Fucking baby much?"

I start the car, snatching the map. "I fucking hate you so hard."

...

Muffy and I say "fuck" a lot.

...

16 comments:

Thanatos said...

I hate that whole "drive 4 miles east then bear south 6 miles and head north to go fuck yourself". But meh, I get myself lost with a gps...

daisyfae said...

you have a friend named "Muffy" who says "fuck" a lot? i gotta hang with you one of these days...

Bird said...

Is it just me or is using 'fuck' infectious? I have this terrible urge in me to start cussing at someone or something after reading this.

renalfailure said...

Sounds like you were channeling your inner Ninja Vicki, threatening to cut the map out of Muffy's hands.

Le Meems said...

fucking hell.

Mimi: I don't know where I'm going ... should I turn?

Passenger roommate friend: (long conversation about some dude she FUCKED the fucking night before in our facking neighborhood bar and she's not paying FUCKING attention to my question about turning)

aaaaaand now. Now we're FUCKING lost.

OG said...

Fuck is the best cuss word out there - if you're going to pick one to use, that's the one. I find it really adds character to a conversation.

Kono said...

i've been chastised for my use of the f-bomb, i've tried to curb since i got like kids and shit but my 3yr old son can say fuck perfectly, i'm so proud... example sentence from yesterday's road rage, "so this fucking c*nt pull's out in front of me like she's the fucking queen of England and fucking procedes to dawdle down the street going tenfuckingmiles per hour, fuck me.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I get lost in my own back yard, map or not. But if there is a mall within 30 miles, my instincts will guide me there without one wrong turn.

Rassles said...

Seriously, I don't get lost after I've looked at a map. I can always point north.

But if you hand me a list of directions on a piece of paper, with like little pictures of what to look for and even exactly however many miles I'm supposed to be driving down each road (I'm looking at you, Google Fucking Maps) and like, "turn left at the McDonalds" I will lose myself.

This is applicable to nearly every aspect of my life.

Chamuca said...

Um, too eerie. I never get lost if I can look at a map either. And I can always tell which way north is.

And the GPS messes me up, and I end up looking at the little map on the screen, instead of listening to it. I don't know how I haven't rear-ended somebody yet.

So, you weren't being a baby about wanting to see the map. Tell Muffy to STFU for me. =D

Jessica said...

ha! i can imagine this

Trouble said...

I think that muffy has fucking control issues and should talk to a fucking therapist.

Erin said...

How can you always point north? Is it like perfect pitch for direction? I dated a guy who had that. I could blindfold him, take him to a basement with no windows and spin him around, and still he could point north.

I just could not understand.

Schmee said...

HAH. This is funny. I think I'm gonna have to stick up for Muffy on this one. First, you are infuriating to argue with. Second, you'd have to be a dumbass to get lost when someone is sitting in the car with you tellin you exactly when to turn, which makes me think this is like Rossi version of OCD. I NEED TO LOOK AT THE MAP!!! fkajsdfk;

formerly fun said...

Sure the map would have been good but HAVE YOU SEEN THE FUCKING CARROTS????

Rassles said...

Thanny: That's because people are too busy listening to their GPS to pay attention to where they're going. Seriously. They have these electronic maps downloaded into their car, and they still miss the same turns and have to go around the same blocks that they did before, except now they're all, "but I know where I am."

Daisy: I have lots of friends with weird names, and we all say "fuck." A lot.

Bird: Fuck yeah, you do.

RF: The similarities between she and I are ridiculous.

Meems: I LOVE getting lost. It doesn't happen a lot anymore. I just like having obstacles I can overcome with directional logic.

OG: A little fucking pizazz never hurt anyone.

Kono: I swear it in front of children ALL THE TIME. If I'm going on a fucking tirade, there are probably all fuckloads of children right behind me. What stops me is my parents. I do not swear in front of them. Ever.

Ambi: Always finding commercial civilization is an impressive skill to have.

Rassles: You are fucking awesome.

Chamuca: I won't use GPS. It's more confusing to me.

Jessica: It is infuriating.

Trouble: It's funny, because that's what people say about me, and I've never thought of myself that way.

Erin: Well in Chicago, it's easy because I can feel the lake. Lake Michigan is always east. It's weird. I don't know how else to describe it.

Schmee: I cannot handle backseat drivers. I really, really, really fucking hate it. Remember how I got on the way to the lake house? Turning all fucked up and stuff? That was nothing compared to what I'm like when someone's barking directions at me.

FF: Jesus, I haven't seen those carrots in forever. Thank you.


*Also: Did anyone get that this wasn't really about geography? Like, at all? or am I just too ridiculous?