Monday, March 29, 2010

I Refuse to be a Weenus*

I am completely losing my tolerance.

It's like whenever I go out I need to adjust my whole game plan, because right now? It takes four beers.

Not only that, but bars are full of unreliable liars (me), because I was trying to figure out how I got so fucking wasted on Friday night, and I decided based upon how much money I had in my pocket/wallet that I had "LIKE FIVE FUCKING BEERS," and I was one off.

And Gyna told me that according to the beer list at the bar, Dragon's Milk was like 8% alcohol, or at least "less than 9," and Kevin said it was "like 10" and I just made up numbers for fun.

Of course, I am obsessing over this. I mean, I need to know, otherwise I'm worthless. Because four beers (I had four, not five) at 8%? That's like eight Coors Lites or six PBRs. What am I, some sort of fucking weenus?

And so, with my shriveled, dehydrated pride, I am figuring this crap out. That's how it works. There is naught quite so demeaning as gratuitous weenusness. More importantly, I am proving that I am not a weenus by researching the shit out of this. Because a true weenus would just take it, they would just be all, "Oh well, I guess I'm a weenus," internal monologue over, but not I! Someone of my caliber must dissect and immerse and obsess, because that is behavior worthy of a nonweenus, albeit a neurotic, high-strung non-weenus, and I refused to be labed otherwise (meaning I want to be labeled a nonweenus. You people need to pay attention, and by "you people" I mean "you weenuses").

See, that's how you do it. You feel like a weenus, so you just make everyone else feel more weenusy to negate your own personal weenussery. My logic is flawless.

On with the investigation.

Brewery website: 10% ABV
Beeradvocate: 8.5% ABV (weenus)
Old School Bottle (pictured above): 10% ABV
New School Bottle (not pictured): none listed. Does this imply that it's non-alcoholic? (WEENUS)
Beer List at the Map Room: ("something less than 9%")
Me: "LIKE 9.5% BITCHES"

I don't know who to believe. This is causing me serious mental trauma.

Now I have another dilemma: no matter what, my tolerance is going down. Time to slow myself, paced-like. As much as I love being drunk, I seriously loathe being wasted.

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*I would like to add, as a little aside, that I debated exactly how I wanted to spell "weenus" for a good half hour. This was the funnest.

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16 comments:

Jessica said...

the upside of lower tolerance is all that saved money!

Jacob said...

I'm a beer geek. I'd go with the brewery website. I'd check Ratebeer.com for you, but I can't access that sort of site from work.

Also, Bud is like 5 percent. If it's 10 percent, four is like having 8 Budweisers. If it's 8.5 it's like having 8 Guinnesses, because they're actually weaker than Bud.

Jacob said...

Also, I could drink at least four of those before getting too drunk, but then I'm several inches over 6 feet and well north of 200 lbs.

I'm going to assume that you're not as big as me.

MoLinder said...

i'm in full agreement with you. i can't believe how drunk i got off one la fin du monde and 3 dragon's milk. 4 beers total. what's happened to us?
also, yeah, didn't really like the fucking delayed hangover that kicked in the next afternoon when i was driving to Indiana. i thought i was going to puke on my lap. awesome.

Rassles said...

Jacob, according to Ratebeer it's 8.5, but the picture on the bottle says 10%. Total ridiculousness.

renalfailure said...

Keep in mind when drinking a high alcohol beer it's not that it's the equivalent of three lesser beers, it's the equivalent of three or four lesser beers being funneled into you all at the same time. Say it took you five minutes to kill a Dragon's Milk. Could you kill three PBR's in that same time span?

daisyfae said...

rate of consumption is higher with the high test stuff (mr. renalfailure is right, as always).

i drink 2 10oz 10% bourbon barrel ales and it makes me as buzzy as 3 'lesser' beers (over the same evening). costs less. life is good...

gyna said...

LOSER!

the reason why i had to make fun of your miscalculation of beers was because we talked about how many beers were drank at least twice during the night.

also, you suck at life right now. give it up.

smooches.

Del-V said...

I've been drinking MD 20/20. It's a fortified wine. I don't know what they are fortifying it with, but I suspect it's steroids because after a bottle or two I get 'roid rage and want to punch people and stuff.

Kono said...

you need to drink the Delerium Tremens, we call it the pink elephant cuz there's pink elephants on the bottle and after a few of these you begin to actually see flying pink elephents, i believe the Belgian translation is Beer Shakes... and it's taste better a bit warm.

JMH said...

The line between drunk and wasted, in addition to being blurry of course, seems irreducibly complex. You have to factor in alcohol content, food, emotional state, setting, lighting, air quality, company, amount of sleep, and free will. Don't worry about how many beers you've had. Whether you're drunk or wasted seems simply to be the plan of a Designer, one with intelligence, an Intelligent Designer.

Mae December said...

on my first night bartending, a dude drank 15 shots of Buchanan's one after another.

I'm pretty sure he was already drunk when he got there.

When we were all talking about it, I said, "but I mean I'm guessing his tolerance is probably way high up at this point" and they said all the contrary. That people get a lower tolerance, because the alcohol stays in your system.

I said "ooooh" and was in awe even more of the guy who drank 15 shots of buchanan's one after the other. And I'm pretty sure he was already drunk when he got there.

Rassles said...

Jessica: Ahhh, yes. Money saved is a big plus.

Jacob: I'm a slight beer geek. I'm learning. But I don't know why I like this. I just know what I like. And I like things with "Dragon" in their name.

MoL: WE ARE WEAK. I blame cats.

RF: Thank you for comforting me. And yeah, I could definitely kill 3 PBRs in five minutes, who the hell do you think you're talking to? I mean, I enjoy having a life free from headache, so I'm not going to drink 3 PBRs in five minutes. But I'm awesome at shotgunning beers. I think. It's been awhile.

Daisy: That's what I need to do, is drink slower. SLOW.

Gyna: Dude, I know, I am such an overreacting asshole.

Del-V: Mad Dog? are you fucking crazy? Okay, when you wake up discovering you've crapped yourself, don't say I didn't give you fair warning.

Kono: I am very familiar with Delerium, but I'm not the biggest fan. I don't really like pale ales at all. Blonde ales and Scottish ales, yes. My favorite is a good, sweet porter. But as far as flavors go, I like beers that are more malt than hops. And now you know.

JMH: But I felt like such a sally. Weenus. Sally.

Mae: That man sounds disgusting. Too much Scotch. TOO MUCH SCOTCH.

OG said...

I really have nothing to add to this conversation. I just wanted to let you know I haven't heard the word weenus in over a decade.

Mimi said...

On Friday, I got 86'd out of a SWANK restaurant in front of EVERYONE...
Apparantly I called owner and the hostess BITCHES (screamed with the fury of a midget longing for height)

Man. Two shots of bourbon and a glass of champers and I was effing DONE-ZO

The Ambiguous Blob said...

I sometimes have 2 bottles of wine and black out. And I sometimes have even more drinks after those 2 bottles and they don't count because I don't remember them.
Dear Gods of tolerance, please allow Rassles and I to expand our personal tolerances and drink everyone else under the table without getting wasted.
Thanks and Amen.