Thursday, March 25, 2010

Things I Fear Are Less Scary When Confronted With Subpar Poetry (Slam!)

In some malls there rests a store
with front adorned by smiling bears.
Do not be fooled! For at its core
amidst tufts of fluffy, cuddly gore
Build-A-Bear spawns plush nightmares.

Armies of limb and eye and knee
the heads of cubs impaled on sticks
shout, "Choose me! Hear me! Stuff me! Fluff me!
Take this shit and shove it up me."
What sadistic fuck approved of this?

Were you to ask, and ask you should
What paves the road to hell -
I'd say demonic whispers, intentions good,
fires that burn unfueled by wood,
and bits of bears that couldn't sell.

The idea of dark?
just nothingness? life devoid?
Is the fucking worst.

You might be familiar with my irrational fear
of Indiana, its people and places.
Well, most of you don't live so near
to see the state's hidden faces.

In regards to legitimate reason, there's none
excepting eyes of ice and faux humility,
those voices chill and monotone,
long roads that stretch into sterility.

It depresses, you know, it just fucking does,
it's all barren, industrial horseshit, or both.
You wish it better than it last was
But keep driving through there, swearing oath:

Just passing through, not stopping by
you motherfuckers won't take me alive.

Sometimes when people speak Spanish
the spaces between their words vanish
rapid verbal succession
when foreign's a weapon
and I nervously shirk and feel mawkish.

People get eye surgery
because they are crazy
and they think it'll help them see better.
But they seem to forget
(this is the part I don't get)
the evilness of this procedure:
I'm talking death rays and plasma rifles and electro-artillery
used by villains in movies like Moonraker,
because you think you're correcting
while consciously neglecting



Chris said...

So I'm sure you are familiar with the song "Indiana wants me," from back in the 60's. I never knew what was so horrible about it, but decided when I heard the song that I should avoid it.

I had a theater professor once who was from Indiana. He claimed the state had the highest rate of mental retardation in the country. I never bothered to check.

Diary of Why said...

So jealous I didn't already think of writing a blog post in verse. This? This is brilliant.

And you have nailed reason #346,259I am glad I don't need glasses: I will never have to worry about someone slicing my eyeballs with a mother-effing LASER! Seriously, ick.

Rassles said...

Scariest place on earth: a Build-a-Bear in Indiana staffed by people who only speak Spanish in superspeed next to a Lasek Eye place. Shivers, I tell you.

American in Sydney said...

I am sooo printing your build a bear poem and bringing it to the bday party we have to go to there tomorrow-- I hope the staff likes it. Will I be violating any copyright laws doing that?

renalfailure said...

So would this mean the evil teddy bears in Conker's Bad Fur Day give you nightmares. Of course not, you probably didn't play that game on the N64, you have a life.

Cold Spaghetti said...

Sub-par poetry is a most brilliant way to approach the scary and wild things of the world. Props to you.

Ellie said...

I don't know much about Indiana at all. I only know a couple of people from there; and your description resonates. Funny that. On the other hand, I know very little about Wisconsin and only know a couple of people from there. And I fucking love people from Wisconsin.

Sid said...

Shit Rassles. The part about build-a-bears was hilarious.

Surprised you haven't written a something on how scary clows are. Oh and guys dress up as Father Christmas too.

Anonymous said...

I went to indiana once...I will not be returning. I understand your fear and applaud you for being verbal with it. Also, agree on the lasik...who wants tiny flaps cut in their eyes?

Red said...

Your fear of Indiana is entirely rational. When working at a convention in Vegas, I could correctly ID the people from Indiana after a while by their large bodies, trapezoidal heads, and stubborn, unhappy expressions. (Though I did once meet a girl from there who was pretty.)

I am from Jersey. It's not that I can't see what's to knock about my home state, but how we catch as much shit as we do when Indiana's in the union is a question that I, for one, can't answer.

Nikki B. said...

BRILLIANCE!! there is nothing else to say...

Rassles said...

Chris: I don't need to check that stat to believe it.

Rachel: I envy your eyesight.

Rassles: You brilliant, brilliant lady. How do you handle being so awesome all the time? WHO COMPARES TO YOU? No one, that's who, you vixen.

Flora: You should, because it freaks me the hell out. It's like the set of a horror movie in there.

RF: I had to google that. You're a fucking loser (totally kidding - I had Playstation. I can't tell you how much time I spent playing Spyro the Dragon.) And it's not teddy bears that freak me out - it's the loose body parts.

Cold Spaghetti: I'm so glad you feel that way, because I feel a revolution coming on.

Ellie: I have friends from Indiana. One of my favorite bloggers is from Indiana. I consider him the bravest man alive.

Sid: But see, I'm not afraid of clowns. They don't give me chills or intimidate me in any way. But broken teddy bears creep me the hell out, and whenever I'm in Indiana I always think someone is RIGHT BEHIND ME, and fast-paced Spanish sends me into stutters. I have no idea why.

OG: WITH A LASER, NO LESS. It's a fucking laser. On your eye. Fuck that.

Red: Agreed, on all counts.

Nikki: Thank you, ma'am. I try. Sometimes.

Kitty said...

I got one of my eyes cut with a laser. Just one. Just in case. It worked perfectly, still does, but I never went back for the other.
Now I see far with one eye and close with the other. No need for glasses.

Coolest thing about that surgery? It works instantly. It was like an assembly line, people were coming out of there into recovery and could see without glasses for the first time. And they were high on anesthetics so it was like this room of crazy people staring at things, smiling, "I can see. I can SEE!"

Blues said...

I kinda wanna go to Indiana now. Is that weird?