Is it too hard to ask that you just keep up with me? (Not you guys, that guy. From upstairs.) Because if you can't follow my line of conversation, if I have to keep on handing you spoken footnotes every time I reference something, if you just stand there like a dumb bastard...
When I'm on, when I'm talking? This shit's real. We're the leads in a Robert Altman flick, and I'm playing five characters. You cannot trip, you cannot hesitate, you cannot rewind unless it's part of the joke. It doesn't need to make sense, you asshole, this is about meandering and leaps and propulsion - do you trust me? Because if you do this right, if you know who's on first? There could be magic.
Dude, I have been trying very hard to have a crush on you, but this is just not working for me. You aren't funny or smart or even a little bit cute. I can't do this anymore.
We're breaking up.
Fuck you, I know we weren't dating in the first place, but this whole chance routine? The one where you bring our mail that gets accidentally delivered to your office and then you loiter awkwardly in front of my desk? Not working.
If you had the fucking sack to play along - I just - I mean - is that so fucking hard? People, all of you, serious question: is it so hard to find a proper verbal sparring partner?
Obviously you're paying attention to me, and that's flattering and all, but the fact is you're a squirrel. You aren't shiny and you can't fly, and I kind of hate that you're what I have to work with. You're like an afternoon snack of salt-less crackers and things that are just not delicious and how is this fair when that bitch over there got interesting snacks, like girl scout cookies and bacon and cigarettes.
This is very aggravating.
Okay, I'm asking your name today, and if you fucking stutter?
"It's ah uh sorry I'm uh uh Jim hey."