Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Worst. Scrimmage. Ever.

Is it too hard to ask that you just keep up with me? (Not you guys, that guy. From upstairs.) Because if you can't follow my line of conversation, if I have to keep on handing you spoken footnotes every time I reference something, if you just stand there like a dumb bastard...

When I'm on, when I'm talking? This shit's real. We're the leads in a Robert Altman flick, and I'm playing five characters. You cannot trip, you cannot hesitate, you cannot rewind unless it's part of the joke. It doesn't need to make sense, you asshole, this is about meandering and leaps and propulsion - do you trust me? Because if you do this right, if you know who's on first? There could be magic.

Dude, I have been trying very hard to have a crush on you, but this is just not working for me. You aren't funny or smart or even a little bit cute. I can't do this anymore.

We're breaking up.

Fuck you, I know we weren't dating in the first place, but this whole chance routine? The one where you bring our mail that gets accidentally delivered to your office and then you loiter awkwardly in front of my desk? Not working.

If you had the fucking sack to play along - I just - I mean - is that so fucking hard? People, all of you, serious question: is it so hard to find a proper verbal sparring partner?

Obviously you're paying attention to me, and that's flattering and all, but the fact is you're a squirrel. You aren't shiny and you can't fly, and I kind of hate that you're what I have to work with. You're like an afternoon snack of salt-less crackers and things that are just not delicious and how is this fair when that bitch over there got interesting snacks, like girl scout cookies and bacon and cigarettes.

Gaahhhh.

This is very aggravating.

Okay, I'm asking your name today, and if you fucking stutter?

"It's ah uh sorry I'm uh uh Jim hey."

Go home.

...

23 comments:

DiaryofWhy said...

In real life I would be super intimidated by you. But in blog life I just love you. Wait, did that come out weird? But, see, I don't care, cause this is just blog life, and I am invincible. Woo!

daisyfae said...

i have to have the verbal sparring or it's over before it starts. he might be able to make you laugh... maybe put 'kick me' post it notes on his ass?

Rassles said...

I'm not intimidating at all, don't worry. We can just ask my friends that I will force to read this post - they'll tell you. Right? Schmee?

renalfailure said...

This man is not Tag Larkin. You should pay him no mind.

Schmee said...

hmmm...to be honest I think I WAS intimidated by you when we first met. which is hilarious now. but you were one of the cool girls from the cool sorority I wanted to be in...dfkja;sdfksld and remember you didn't like me cuz I was wearing a shirt with no shoulders?? but yeah once we actually talked, you were definitely not intimidating anymore...so I think you'd be fine Diary :)

Ross this dude just sounds like a tool. And it wouldn't be the first tool you've had a crush on...haaa

Kono said...

Yinz (pittsburghese) girls would love me, i'm like the worldmotherfuckingchampion of verbal sparring, most people don't even want to get in the ring... oh shit that's blog world in reality i'm just a nerd with thick glasses and braces on my teef.

OG said...

I can't stand when I meet a girl who can't have a back-and-forth...it feels like such a let down. Shouldn't we be giving you a hard time for trying so hard to make this imaginary relationship work between the two of you :)

JMH said...

A cracker without salt I'd call a 'tine. People wouldn't be able to pronounce it, though.

A squirrel is just an agile, sexy-tailed rat. Have you seen their behavior around dumpsters?

Who doesn't know that Who's on first? That hurts my brain. Feedback loop.

Ginny said...

Oh Jim, we hardly knew ye.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

When a boy tells me a joke that I don't get and I don't laugh and then he has to explain it to me, at least I can rely on my boobs to keep his crush going.

This guy doesn't even have cuteness... his crush worthiness is lacking.

gyna said...

i still vote for you to say something so ridic that it blows his mind. like say if you make a venn diagram with reference to his penis and your mouth, then you will know if he is trying to flirt and really bad it because his head will explode. or it will scare him away forever. either way, you win.

Mae December said...

I actually think Rassles is one of those people where you start talking to them totally loving everything that comes out of their mouth, and *THEN* when you know them later, you're like "holy shit how was I not scared of you?"

...But i do get that intimidated vibe.

It's like you know that girl who's a total fucking bitch but somehow she still has friends? ...that's not Rassles.

But then you have that girl who can be a bitch sometimes but everyone likes them because they know that she's going to be honest and hey, even funny?
...THAT's Rassles.

That first girl isn't even intimidating ever you just wanna slap her. (I may or may not be venting/projecting here a bit)

Rassles said...

DoW: Like I said, no way. Maybe until I started talking. Or crying. I don't really cry anymore though. This is a good thing.

Daisy: It's really the only requirement I have for friendship or otherwise.

RF: That exact line runs through my head every single time I talk to almost any man.

Schmee: SEE? I told you people. I WAS ONE OF THE COOL GIRLS. You fucking heard it here, bitches. I was cool. Very fucking cool. Also, Schmee, that shirt was stupid. And can we talk about why I usually only get crushes on big fucking toolbags? What is wrong with me?

Kono: I would scare you.

OG: You know what, I can have as many fake crushes as I want, and you all can suck it.

JMH: Also, they hoard and hide. Hoarding and fucking hiding. I don't get it. Also, don't you feel like the whole point of existing sometimes is just to find people with whom to pull off a kick ass Who's On First? routine? Because I feel like that every day.

Ginny: And thou neverst will.

Tab: See, he laughs awkwardly and just like fucking stares at me, and I'm like, "Don't you have emails to answer or something?" And then he's all, "you're really funny" and I just stare at my computer screen.

Gyna: I've been brainstorming all day. I hope we get wrong mail today.

Geo said...

Sometimes I think that maybe I'm reading the blog of a significantly more interesting Questionable Content character.


LOVE IT.

Chris said...

I hate when they screw it up by talking.

Rassles said...

Geo, I've never heard of that and I googled it and I can't stop reading it. Now I'm almost sure that author stalks me or something, or at least films me in secret and steals my dialogue. Damn.

Erin said...

The squirrel/shiny/flyer designations! Please write more on that at some point.

nursemyra said...

Jim is Anonymous Doug's lovechild. He inherited only his mother's characteristics

sid said...

Yes, it really is that difficult to find a verbal sparring partner. Trust me. I've been searching.

formerly fun said...

I think you can find your verbal sparring partner, don't settle for a meh, but realize, on the verbal sparring awesome cultural references..., you'd probably get a 97%, be happy with the guys that would score in the 75% and up.

My husband is fucking hilarious and good at banter and smartassery but he is no match for me, not by a long shot but he can keep up(most of the time) and he always laughs at the right time and teases me mercilessly when warranted. Also, it took him like five REAL dates to relax enough to be himself instead of uberpolite, vanilla dude. He was tall and cute enough for me to give him a chance to wow me, he did, just not right out the gate.

The Kid In The Front Row said...

Scrimmage is such a weird word, don't you think?

Rassles said...

Chris: No, see, I WANT them to talk. It's when they CAN'T talk.

(Oh, you mean the bitches)

Erin: I shall refer you to this old blog entry. Unless you've read that, and you want me to write about it again? We'll see. I just don't want people to get offended if I tell them they aren't a shiny flier.

Nurse: Excellent, valid, infallible observation.

Sid: You need a snarky sonofabitch too, I'd imagine.

FF: I don't even have that excellent of a reference bank, which makes it all so much more frustrating. And I know that I talk a lot. And fast. You're right. But I don't know if I could go a full five Real Dates without any banter.

Rassles said...

Kid: I am a big fan of it in general.