Thursday, April 8, 2010

Nerding Out - Squared

"What, dear father, are you talking about? Look at this. LOOK." I violently pound the computer screen with my finger.

"Hey, don't touch-" Dad flicks my hand.

"Gaaahhhh, stop it." I flick him back.

"Do you have to touch everything?"

"Yes. Okay, seriously, THE LAST UNICORN is being made into a graphic novel and Peter S. Beagle is going to be there."

My dad shakes his head. "Chick stuff."

"Oh. Em. Eff. Gee. The Last Unicorn is one of the GREATEST STORIES EVER TOLD."

"Is not. You're delusional."

"Is so,'re bad at parenting."

"Stupid movie."

"Is not."

"You know, the biggest regret of my life is introducing you to movies. You waste all of your time on garbage."

"Worst dad ever. Can't you just support what I love?"

"Maybe if you tried loving something else."

"What, like The White Shadow? 'I'll be behind you every step of the way like a white shadow' or whatever? Come on."

He laughs. "Okay, that show great, okay? Great."

"Neil Gaiman's going to be there."

"Great." (Great is an oddly spelled word, don't you think?)

I squint at him. "You think Mr. Graham could get us tickets for the Kick Ass premiere?"

"Honey, I don't think I have that much pull with him."

"Pssssh, don't hurt to ask."

"No, really, I just don't feel comfortable asking. And with Jamie, it does hurt to ask. Guys are asking him for favors all the time. And I'm on his good side and I want to keep it that way, okay? And that's the end of that." My dad has been buying comics from Mr. Graham for like 25 years. I used to board comics at his store back when I was like ten or eleven while my dad helped him with accounting stuff, and Mr. Graham would slip me scandalously-packaged candy and overstocked comics.

And that is why I crave Devil Girl chocolate bars whenever people talk about Excalibur. Which is like, you know. All the time. I mean, just yesterday I overheard my coworkers reminiscing about the good old days when Shadowcat and had a pet spacedragon and lived in Great Britain with Nightcrawler and that freak parallel-universe girlspawn of Jean-and-Scott.

Okay, actually? They were discussing Precious, and I tuned them out because that movie looks stupid. I did not tell them it looked stupid, not outright. But they made the mistake of asking my opinion, which I gave uninhibited. I should really know by now that when I don't care about something everyone is fucking personally offended.

You'd think I ran over their baby with a lawnmower or something.

When some people hear that you don't care about something they love, they mortar corners in your wake and rip your stance ad hominem. After awhile, you begin to associate That Thing You Didn't Care About In The First Place with nothing but anger and fightin' words, which evolves into hate just because of rabid packs of fans who erroneously attribute words like "awesome" to things that are super mediocre (I'm looking at you, Dave Matthews Band and Avatar and Dan Brown and Ryan Gosling and 3D movies).

Perhaps, and I don't know if this has ever gotten through your oatmeal-and-shreddy-hambone retardo skulls, but perhaps you and I just have different opinions. This is fucking America. We're allowed opinions. Oh, everyone except for you. Because your opinion, by the way, is dumb.

Back at the ranch after my long, long digression:

"I guess I understand," I mope to my dad, "but you're still lame." (I almost forgot how this all started).

Basically Mr. Graham got my dad like superbackstagepasses for this thing. At first I was afraid of being not quite fangirl enough to go, but I'm geeking out over Chicago's first big comic convention.

I am a superdork.



Anonymous said...


Logical Libby said...

I loved the Last Unicorn as a kid. Now though, I can't watch it without commenting on the absolutely horrible soundtrack. America? Really?

Rassles said...

and Mia Farrow and Jeff Bridges sing that awesome wobbly-ass duet and it's just fucking painful. Shit, I love that movie.

Chris said...

This is the second time in two hours that I've seen "ad hominem" used in a sentence. The internets are kind of freaking me out right now.

Schmee said...


you are a superdork and a dumb bitch...stop hating on me for liking the Da Vinci Code and Dave Matthews..fdka;sjdk;

and, Ryan Gosling? really? where did that come from...I don't think he's "awesome" by any means, but have you seen Lars and the Real Girl? That movie might bring him a step up from mediocre for you...

Rassles said...

I just don't think he's hot. He's a fine actor, but nothing special. I don't get the obsession.

Rassles said...

Also, welcome to a world where I CONSTANTLY COMMENT ON MY BLOG. Shut up, me.

Schmee said...

umm yeah I don't get the obsession either...didn't realize there was one, becuase he's definitely not hot. but have you seen that movie?? you need to be on fb chat right now...

Rassles said...

Didn't we see it together?

Schmee said...

oh and I've never seen/heard of the Last Unicorn but it sounds amazing...can we have movie night and watch that, Neverending Story, and the Labyrinth?? check out me commenting on your blog even more than you..haa

my word verification is repimpog...just fyi

Schmee said...

Did we?? it does sound like a movie we would watch together...did you like it? I can't remember...

Rassles said...

I would give it 3 out of 5 stars. Clever, but kind of boring.

And we SHOULD have a movie night. We haven't had a good movie night in forever. This needs to happen. You're gonna make fun of me so hard after watching this movie, you have no idea.

Anonymous said...

i can't stop thinking of running over babies with lawnmowers. it's been that kinda day...

Del-V said...

I will be driving up to Philly for their comic com. This years special guests include Adam West, Bruce Campbell and William Shatner. I Shat you not, it's going to be awesome.

renalfailure said...

Wait, I do remember Shadowcat having a pet dragon, and I never read any of Excalibur.

Why is there no Tag Larkin comic book? Oh, right, because I suck at drawing.

Sid said...

I'm a Dave Matthews Band fan ...

Precious ... that movie is disturbing. Seriously.

Rassles said...

Jessica: Nicely done.

Libby: It's my official sad movie. I watch it when I'm depressed. Clear sign.

Chris: Ad hominem. Ad hominem.

Schmee: Stop hating on everything I say.

Daisy: I wouldn't recommend it. Hard to clean the blades.

Del: Yeah, see, I would probably be like, knocking stuff over and talking talking talking so much I get ditched. How is it that Philly ended up with like, the three most fantastically ironic celebrities of all time and Chicago gets the guy playing the new Doctor Who? It's our first one, though. That's why.

RF: She had the dragon for a long time. And Excalibur sucked. But a Tag Larkin comic? That would be brilliant.

Sid: And that's fine, just don't get all angry with me. I like a couple of songs, I even have an album. I don't hate the band by any means. But I fucking loathe crazy Dave Matthews fans.

Anonymous said...

um...did muffy tell you she has an extremely overweight black girl named precious as a student?

once the movie came out all the other kids started making fun of her.

The Ambiguous Blob said...

Comic books, I know nothing about. I stuck to the baby sitters club books at the age you were reading fantastical stories with pictures.

I don't care about comic books.

nursemyra said...

Ha! Love the video clip - makes me want to go to a comic convention too.

Hey Rassles, if you don't want to see Precious maybe you could read the book instead, it's called "Push"

Ellie said...

Avatar & Dan Brown. People Magazine is more entertaining than either, and they are all as trashy. xx

Ellie said...

Avatar & Dan Brown. People Magazine is more entertaining than either, and they are all as trashy. xx

formerly fun said...

Avatar was lame and I was so glad when Kathryn Bigelow won best director over her ex James Cameron and Avatar. Yeah the effects were neat but the writing and story were a snoozefest.

Rassles said...

Jess: That poor effing girl. Seriously. Hint to parents: stop giving your children adjectives for names.


Nurse: Yeah, prolly not. It's the story itself that I have no interest in, not just the movie. All it's going to do is make me angry and pissed off.

Ellie: If we view both of them (Avatar and Dan Brown) as just fun and trashy, then well hell. I support the crap out of it. Read and watch away. But don't you try to convince me it's quality, life-changing material.

FF: Agreed. Even though I feel like the Hurt Locker had about the cheesiest ending shot I'd ever seen, despite being ultimately bad ass, and I wish it had just like stopped with him not being able to find groceries.

Rassles said...

Oh, and then, at the end of the credits, Jeremy Renner comes to pick me up and we drive off into the sunset in an El Camino and diffuse bombs together.

That is a best picture moment, right there.

nursemyra said...

Jeremy Renner was great in a little movie called 12 and Holding

Anonymous said...

I never got in to comics, mainly because I didn't enjoy reading as a kid and cartoons offered me the same entertainment with less effort.

Blues said...

I hate a lot of shit people seem to love.

Like the sitcom Friends. And Sex And The City. And Almost Famous. How many times in my life am I gonna have to put up with people talking about how grate that shit is?

~Mountain Lover~ said...

Because I know you care, 3 weeks later and stuff...

Last Unicorn? Fucking. Awesome.
Avatar? Lame. Seriously, cut that shit down by a good hour and maybe not blatantly rip off a plot done billions of time this decade.

3D movies? Overpriced.

Precious? Loved it. But I'm fucked up that way.

Um. what were we talking about?

How was the convention?

Rygantron said...

I fucking love Excalibur.

Sorry for being so late with my comment.