Wednesday, April 14, 2010

An Open Letter I Posted Around My Apartment Complex.

Hello, fellow tenants.

First of all, I want to thank you for your attention. Basically, thank you for reading this note at all. My name is Rassles, I live in Apt. 1 on the east side of the building, and recently my bike was stolen out of the back hallway. It was last officially seen, with eyes, on Sunday. My roommate noticed it was missing this morning. Her bike remains untouched.


(Note: this is not my bike. I had the OG buttoned mattress seat, and this is a later model, but you get the idea.)

It's not a very exceptional bike, just a dark copper-colored Schwinn Suburban with two flat tires that I intended to fill up this weekend. It really only has emotional value, since it belonged to my mom for thirty years. Seriously. It's name is Atticus. I know that sounds ridiculous.

I was just wondering, I mean, does anyone know about a person wandering around the back hallway and snatching things that are important to me? Did someone snatch something important to YOU? Because if they wanted to come across as an asshole, then mission accomplished.

Sincerely,

Rassles
April 7, 2010


I almost forgot: if you have any information, my cell phone is (###) ### PUSH, and my email is rassleslists@gmail.com.

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11 comments:

Jane said...

Oh BOO. I hope your bike turns up. That stinks.

daisyfae said...

bike thieves? bastards. keep an eye on ebay. fucking hipsters will buy anything retro...

Kono said...

Some skinny jeaned wearing hipster stole your bike, i can say that for a fact, they covet bikes like yours, hipsters must fucking die.

Logical Libby said...

This is why I carry around a shiv. Well, this and CHUDs.

Mae December said...

at the end of the letter you should've put "also, I have herpes. You can totally catch it from bike seats"

Jessica said...

any response?

also i'm assuming the bike is named "atticus" and not your mom?

renalfailure said...

I agree with Kono. A hipster stole your bike. It was an old bike with two flat tires sitting next to a new bike with two good tires. This is obviously an ironic theft, and crimes of irony are the only ones hipsters will commit.

nursemyra said...

I like Mae December's comment

Here In Franklin said...

Knowing that your bike was named Atticus makes me heart you. Only better name would've been Ignatius.

JMH said...

What the hell? Why? WHY? There's never a why.

This makes me want to put a GPS chip in my bike. And a dye pack, like they put in with bank robbery money, hidden on the seat. I'd use the GPS chip to determine when the bike was moving, and then by remote control, detonate the dye pack. It'd probably blow some guy's junk off, but at least he'd be able to find the pieces, being dyed bright blue or whatever.

Sid said...

You named your bike? Hmmm I might be getting a surfboard soon. Maybe I'll name it too. Probably not.

Anyway, sorry to hear that your bike was stolen.