Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Awesome By Proxy

With MoLinder out, because she moved way...I'm sorry, for one second we must focus on MoLinder's raging malcontent. I'm a malcontent to begin with, and she is doubly so because she threatens my established order, which is the most important Order there is.

We must focus on the fact that she left me. Snapping fingers, blinking briefly, a flash of yellow cat eyes in the trees and she's gone. I lost an important password-laden post-it note at work around the same time and that was nothing compared MoLinder leaving, because post-its do not choose to unstick from places of import, unlike MoLinders. Post-its also don't snatch cuddly cats away like sticky catsnatchers, unlike MoLinders. Three cats, by the way. There were three cats and a MoLinder and now I have none of both.

I'll be okay.

(Distracting Explanatory Exercise: I want all of you raise your hand, palm facing the computer screen. Do it. Press your thumb to your forefinger real hard. That is how close I came to getting a dog, because I was lonely and dogs are better than most people.

Now, take your allied thumb/finger business and lick it. Do this very sexilly. Use those same two fingers to touch the tip of your nose with it. Take a big whiff. Do not remove your fingers. Look down your nose at what you're doing. Look back up here.

Do you feel smart? No, you don't. You feel fucking stupid. This was a futile, ridiculous idea for an exercise. It was about as good of an idea as me getting a dog.)

By the way, MoLinder, you don't just up and leave your fucking roommate. Unless you are offered a job across the country in the town where your guts were rooted and it pays double your current income. That is the only excuse for unsticking. So...well played, MoLinder, and yes, you can use me as a reference for your Department of Defense clearance, and I will explain that I am much more suited for the position because I used to play a lot of Stratego so I'm real good at hiding bombs.

Of course, I can just beck right and there's an arsenal of Potential Roommates, waiting to be drafted. Because let's face it: everyone loves me. Everyone loves me and they want to be me and since they can't be me they must live with me so they can be awesome by proxy. So MoLinder moving out was like flipping a steak on the grill, and now the Yellavitch, my little sister, is my roommate for the duration of the month. Either way, I get steak.

And then in July, CrazyLiz is moving in. I have good friends.



daisyfae said...

get a cat. dogs are cooler, but way more work. cats are funny when you're drunk... dogs still need to go out to pee when you stumble in at 4am.

MoLinder said...

so sorry to mess up your Order - i'm an inconsiderate wench. and i'm also sorry for the catsnatching - i'm sending you a pic so you can see how much they hate not being able to go outside to mingle with the cats that roam my complex. (panther just threw up as i started to write this. good one cat) i'm sure he's expressing his malcontent in his own way.
re: my DoD clearance, i do hope you don't bring up things that should not be named - like pretty much everything i did in chicago. you should probably delete drunk blog cuz it's full of questionable material and with my luck, the person running the investigation will be a bonnie bedelia fan (ugh, fucking bonnie bedelia).
if it makes you feel better, the EQ we had last night is probably the precursor to "the big one" which will lead to the mass destruction of southern california. (i will not say we're going to fall into the ocean b/c that's just stupid and i'm annoyed by the ignorant fucks who keep saying it).
anyway, the kitties miss you and i do too. at least you have sister and then crazy liz to keep you company. doesn't liz have a cat? cuddly cat problem solved. boom!

Logical Libby said...

That was like a useful and disgusting Old Spice commercial. So, like an Old Spice commercial you can smell.

renalfailure said...

But are you on a horse?

Blues said...

Thanks for reminding me to brush my teeth.

Sorry your friend moved away. I hate it when people move away. Unless they're me.

I'm jealous you get to live with a sister. I need a sister in my house. I don't do well when I'm not tormenting my flesh and blood.

Ellie said...

Yes, I felt stupid looking down my nose to my slightly damp thumb and forefinger.

How was Ireland? Any family fights?

Sid said...

Yes, please do tell us about Ireland.

Also I just saw the advert for the movie you were talking about in your last blog post. And now I absolutely have to see the movie. Absolutely have to.