Thursday, June 24, 2010

Like A Dream I'm Flowin' Without No Stoppin'

Yesterday morning I woke up with the Mighty Mighty fucking Bosstones in my head, which is obnoxious because I have never, ever, ever in my life enjoyed their music because it all sounds like blaring Kraft singles and growly, chain-smoking hamsters. That's the impression that I get.

But for thirty five seconds I had this lyrical couplet skittering through my brain--I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested, I'd like to think that if I was I would pass--and for thirty-five seconds I found them lyrical geniuses. Genii. Every single time I think of the plural of geniuses, I wish it were genii. Is this the appropriate spelling? Confer and report.

Then I showered singing Tom Jones (because you gotta sing Tom Jones in the shower, people. I been really feelin' Tom Jones, lately, because his voice is as bright and bombastic as the fucking sun). Went through my usual morning routine of creaking across the hallway in my towel seven hundred times to retrieve forgotten bathroom items, got dressed, made my hair look a little bit pretty, missed the bus, drove halfway to work, missed another bus, sweated through the hot wind, pulled my hair up because it didn't look pretty no more, got on the next bus, became absorbed in my book, missed my bus stop, walked two blocks back to work, entered the office half an hour late and all the morning sweat froze directly to my trembling body because it is fucking freezing in my office.

Someday I will live in a world where this every morning scenario will result in a meet-cute between me and my future not-husband (marriage is a gimmicky trick), who will hopefully have the rich, virile purl of either (a) Tom Jones or (b) MCA.

So was sitting at my desk, imagining myself traipsing around the heat-sensitive Predator-vision forest with lumberjack gangsta MCA (this is a go-to personal fantasy - if you try to knock me you'll get mocked), when it started storming outside and everyone in the office freaked out.

My phone rang. I answered. "So what'cha want?"

Co-worker Amy hyperventilated into her end of the reciever, "It is like thunder and lightning out there."

"Whoa. Superscary."

"It is. You need to come back here and see this."

"Gimme a few."

"Okay." She hangs up.

Phone rings again.

"Dude, are you looking out the window right now?" Co-worker Natalie rushed out before I can even come up with a interesting greeting.

"What window? I have no window."

"It is like thunder and lightning."

"Thunder and lightning, huh?"

"Yeah, it's like Thunder! Lightning!"

"The way you love me is frightening. Shit, what song is that?"

"What song?"

"You know. It's like thunder (thundah!) lightning (lightning!)...the way you love me is frightening!"

"I have no idea."

"Yes you do. Like a million people sing it. Goddammit."

"Whatever, just come look out the window."

"Fine." We hang up. The phone rings again, and I just pick it up and sing, "It's like thunder (boom!) lightning (crash!)."

"How'd you know from all the way over there?" my boss asked, laughing.

"This storm is all the rage."

"Yes it is. I need you in here in five seconds, JJO's got a question about the Floyds' Patron gift."

"Yessir." I hung up the phone and booked over to the corner office, watching the dark wind through the windows on the way, trying to remember that fucking song on the way, recalling details about the Floyds on the way.

Action Man has JJO on speaker, who's saying, "We need to get the Advisory Board to approve of that funding, knock on wood."

AND THEN I FREAKED THE HELL OUT.

...

Explanatory Links:

"The Impression That I Get" by Mighty Mighty Bosstones (check out the microphone that guy is rockin - it looks like he's singing into a giant fucking Smith & Wesson)

"Knock on Wood" by Eddie Floyd

...

LATER EDIT: Just so you know, we have thunder and lightning. We have it in spades. But this was thunder and lightning with limited rain and a cloudless, yellow sky and 40 mph winds - where lightning spidered across the sky - the entire sky - and thunder lasted for twenty seconds at a time. This was some near tornado weather shit.

...

14 comments:

DiaryofWhy said...

Ok, thunder and lightning (lightning! not lightening!) I got none, but apparently there was a mother effing EARTHQUAKE here the other day, and I missed it! Everyone was sharing their earthquake stories this morning and I was like...duuuude, I was here! In class! Where was my earthquake? I am pissed, is what I am trying to say. But, you know, thunder and lightning (lightning!) is cool too, I guess.

Jacob said...

I, too, am not a Might Mighty Bostones fan, but I've always liked that line.

I'm also a huge fan of "Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone" line from John Mellencamp's Jack and Diane, even though I'm not really a Mellencamper either. I do get to add the caveat that I actually fell in love with that line when it was quoted by Built to Spill in "You Were Right".

la isla d'lisa said...

I kinda groove on the Mighty Mighty Bosstones's, especially in the midst of a night of drunken debauchery when scream-singing at the top of my lungs with my girls is the norm. Now, that doesn't even hold a candle to the love I have for the Beastie Boys. Paul's Boutique is the best f'n album and two CDs I've ever heard. BSTL

renalfailure said...

I've had that Bosstones' lyric in my head most of this week too... I'm not sure why. Or maybe I am sure and am in denial because I'm afraid of what I might find out. OH NO!!!

MoLinder said...

why does all the awesome weather happen after i move from chicago? do you know how hard it is to live in a place that tops out at 70 everyday, with sunshine and light clouds and no thunder OR lightning? it's rough.

Blues said...

That's just freaky. Some total mind connect going on there.

Were trees falling over? Unless trees are falling over and about to crash down on me, why would I care about lightning and thunder. Is lightning and thunder that unusual there? I'm a moron. In AZ there is always lightning and thunder in the summer monsoons.

Rassles said...

Okay people, we have thunder and lightening. We have it in spades. But this was thunder and lightening with limited rain and a cloudless, yellow sky and 40 mph winds - where lightening spidered across the sky - the entire sky - and thunder lasted for twenty seconds at a time. This was some near tornado weather shit.

gyna said...

duuuuude- you also forgot the siren. talk about the siren.

OG said...

Your friend would not make it in Florida in the summer...thunder and lightning is an everyday thing. Then sometimes it's a cool place and they say it gets colder
You're bundled up now but wait 'til you get older. - I think that might be smash mouth and not mighty mighty bosstones, but either way, not a good band.

Schmee said...

Man...I'm so mad you figured out the song by the end of the blog. I was so pumped to be like "I know! I know! You better KNOCK...on wood...BABAAAAY...ooooo-oo-oo-oo-oo". Balls.

And I definitely think the spelling would be genii...or maybe there should be a "u" before the "ii's"? Hmmm...curious

renalfailure said...

Also, this is the version of Knock on Wood I'm familiar with...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA_VpX9elaM

Ellie said...

Delilah?

nursemyra said...

Umm... I thought we weren't supposed to use our phones when there's a lightning storm? Or is that only in Australia because we have the havoc wreakingiest storms ever?

Rassles said...

DoW: I also feel cheated and neglected by earthquakes. Lame.

Jacob: Whatever, Jack and Diane is a classic. It's bombastic and cheap and classic.

Lisa: Seriously. Beastie Boys are the shit.

RF: Coward.

MoL: You would have loved it.

Blues: Trees were definitely falling over. My street was tore up. I always feel sorry for people whose cars get all smashed in by falling trees during summer storms, but it happens all the time, you know? Don't park under trees when it storms. Duh.

Rassles: You are brilliant, and no one knows it.

Gyna: THERE WERE FUCKING FREAKY ASS SIRENS GOING ON.

OG: Don't ever quote Smashmouth on my blog again.

Schmee: Of course I figured out the song, I know everything.

RF: I watched that video about seven million times. It's mesmerizing.

Ellie: Why, why why...Delilah?

Nurse: Man, why's everyone gotta be all, "Chicago doesn't have real storms"? you guys are dicks.

No, it's not advised to use a landline during a storm, but this is America, where everyone believes they are the exception to the rule.