Wednesday, July 7, 2010

What Happens In the Oreo Lounge...Happens Every Day.

(Scene: An office. Friday afternoon. Three twenty-something girls are chatting in the "break room," but none of them call it that. About two years ago one of these ladies (that means me, a-holes) changed the room's Caller ID to "The Oreo Lounge," no one else in the office knew how to work the phones to change it back. She considers this a personal victory. Back then, there were fuckloads of Oreos, like, all the time. Which is weird, because back then she was thinner. She is now considering an all-Oreo diet. She remembers how well the Oreos softened when she dipped them in her coffee (The Oreo Lounge was always out of milk). Those were some delicious fucking Oreos. Perhaps a trip to CVS is in order. Oooo--and white cheddar Cheez-Its. Those need to happen.)

Nat: I just like, you know, being spontaneous. Like Howie is way more down to earth about stuff, but I'm like hey, you know, let's go out to dinner, let's see a movie, let's do something! But all he wants to do is watch baseball.

C-Bird: Same thing with Eric, but instead of just like, going out, we've got team conflict.

Rassles: Why'zat?

C-Bird: (she rolls her eyes) He's a Cubs fan. (the co-workers nod in understanding. Nat sucks in a breath)

Rassles: (taking a sip of her coffee) I like him.

C-Bird: You would.

Rassles: You guys are so brave. You're like a sixties bi-racial couple. Will your children be raised to be snobs or racists?

Nat: What's that? Cubs or Sox?

(Rassles nods, gravely)

C-Bird: I can't even think about that right now.

Nat: I think she'll teach her kids to be more open-minded about which team they choose. Things aren't always in Cubs or Sox. Sometimes you gotta hit that-uh-Bear middle ground.

(The three girls laugh a little, and do that thing where they simultaneously sigh out "yeah," and then they politely laugh again.)

C-Bird: Still, getting him to go out with my friends is like herding cats.

Rassles: I love that phrase. But I like to substitute "cats" with "hamsters." I support alliteration.

C-Bird: (completely ignoring her) It's like we're settling into this routine.

Nat: Yeah. Come home, work out, eat dinner, watch TV, sleep.

C-Bird: Lather, rinse, repeat. Everything gets so boring. Let's shake it up a little, you know?

(A man sticks his head into the Oreo Lounge)

Thomacz: Ladies! I've just been off the phone with Action Man. He has given us permission to leave work around two this afternoon, provided the mail has arrived.

C-Bird: Thanks!

Rassles: Thank you, sir.

Nat: I knew it.

Thomasz: You ladies are very welcome. (he pops back out to go spread the news to other co-workers)

Rassles: Yeah buddy. (she turns to her co-workers) We should totally celebrate and grab a drink or something. An off-work-early drink of awesomeness.

C-Bird: Yeah, I prolly should just get home. I told Eric that I thought we were getting off early, and we were gonna grab an early dinner.

Nat: Yeah, I can't either. I gotta work out.

Rassles: You work out every night.

Nat: Well, if you've got a schedule you stick to it.

So much for fucking spontaneity.



Diary of Why said...

This is why I don't have a boyfriend or work out. 'Cause I can't be pinned down, man. I have to be free to be me. Which is why today after class I made a totally spontaneous trip to the grocery store before coming home to do my homework. I can't be stopped.

P.S. My lameness notwithstanding, if I were your co-worker I would have been SO THERE. 'Cause drinking beats not drinking any day.

Anonymous said...

So this is what women talk about in the breakroom, enthralling. By the way - I appreciate both the hamster alliteration, and the 60s bi-racial couple reference.

daisyfae said...

an oreo dunked in anything is better. but an oreo battered and deep fried in oil? food.of.the.fucking.gods...

renalfailure said...

And I see at no point in the discussion about girls and their guys did you erupt into something like "Well I don't have anyone so you can all die in a fire!" Which is what I'm prone to doing.


Chamuca said...

I think I might beat Diary in the lameness contest.

I got out of work early today, so I rented a Rug Doctor. I just spent the last 2 hours vacuuming and steam cleaning my carpets in 90+ degree heat.

Anonymous said...

snobs or racists? ha ha ha ha ha.

yeah i also don't work out or have a boyfriend because i don't want to be tied down. free as a bird over here and LOVIN IT!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. i don't know how to type when laughter turns into tears...

JMH said...

It's hot here, but using the AC all the time makes my place smell like dude. There must be air flow or scented candles or compulsive cleaning, and I think air flow is best.

I'm all for diversifying the gene pool, but mating a Cubs and a Sox fan is like when those scientists mated the docile European bees with low honey output with the aggressive African bees with high honey output in the hope that they'd create a friendly bee that makes lots of honey. Instead they got a bunch of aggressive bees and no honey, honey. I'm not calling you honey, I just like to repeat.

I myself am a Cubs fan who hates the Cubs because I love them, and they hurt me, and I put up with it. It's not a healthy relationship.

Sid said...

Love the opening paragraph.

Also these chicks are 23??? Dude they sound like 60 year olds with all that responsibility and schedules and boringness.

Kono said...

The only thing i schedule is my drug use, after that life's a mystery.

Thanatos said...

Baseball? Sigh.

That chick who changed the caller ID sounds like someone who shouldn't be messed with.


nursemyra said...

Dipping Oreos in coffee pales into insignificance when you try the same thing with Tim Tams. Send me your snail mail address again Rassles and I will send you a packet of the chocolate biscuits of your dreams...

Blues said...

Ugh. This is my boring ass life of non-eventfulness. Eat, shit, repeat.

Anonymous said...

we only got oreos in South Africa a few years ago. Just sayin'.

Mia Watts said...

You need a book. A book of Rass-berry truths and convos.

herding hamsters....bwahahahaha!

Mia Watts said...

@nursemyra and Rassels

...or, just go to World Market. They sell Tim Tams there. Saw them recently in Walmart, too. Very worth the trip. But then, I'm a vegemite fan too and never touched foot on Aussie-land.

nursemyra said...

Vegemite I can take or leave.... but Tim Tams *nom nom nom*

They come in about 15 different chocolatey flavours now too

Rassles, you have to experience The Tim Tam!

Le Meems said...

can we write a children's book about hamsters who herd all the mites int heir cage and little people who milk the mites and make cheese that they seel in the open air market that takes place every Thursday in a human's eyebrow.

Oooh. Yes.

Le Meems said...

ahem. in English.
Rassles, can we write a children's book about hamsters who herd all the mites in their cages and invent little people who milk the mites and make cheese that they sell in the open air market that takes place every Thursday in a human's eyebrow.
Imagine the drawings for a human eyebrow farmers market.

Oooh. Yes.

Rassles said...

DoW: I don't have a boyfriend or work out because...well, I don't have a boyfriend because I don't work out, and I don't work out because I like naptime.

OG: Thank you, sir. Granted, usually the conversation drifts to restaurants or something. I tried to get them to talk about Predators, but none of them had seen any Predator movies. Nor any of the Alien movies. I don't understand them.

Daisy: I don't have the green for a deep-fryer, but I've got my old restaurant contacts. Time to head back to Gino's, Oreos in tow.

RF: I don't get jealous of people in relationships anymore. I get even.

Chamuca: ;alkdfjkl;asjfl;aksdjf;klasdjf;aiorui;sekljf;asdlkfjasd;lfjas;lkfjas;fjkla;sldfkj;asdlkfja;slkjf;asdklfja;sdklfjasd;lfjasdlfkasd;lfkjasd;fjklsdal;fk you fucking loser

Jessica: why don't you flyyyyyyyyyy hiiiiiiiigh jessiiiiiiicaaa-aaah-aaah.

(Sorry. That was supposed to be Freebird. Pretend I have three guitars.)

JMH: The Cubs are the wife beaters of the Major Leagues. "It's not me, baby," *SMACK* "It's the curse. I don't mean to hurt you baby, you know I love you, but this curse is hitting me so much harder than I could ever hit you, especially now that I'm off the 'roids. I blame" *SMACK* "the FUCKING" *SMACK* "GOAT. The goat is the devil, baby, and I'm fighting him inside. That's who's hitting you, baby. The devil inside me."

Sid: No, they're all in their late twenties. Myself included.

Kono: I like to schedule my oreo time.

Thanny: I am that chick. BASEBALL.

Nurse: I will do my damnedest to get my paws on Tim Tams. Oh, or I could send you my address. You are possibly the most generous individual ever.

Blues: Mix it up then, hag.

Dolce: At least you have them now.

Mia: Books are ssooooooooo hard.

Meems: YES, let's do it. Can we name one of the mites 'Spur?' And can he be a bit prickly? PLEEEAAASE?

Del-V said...

I also need to be more spontaneous. Every day it's the same thing: Wake up, read the Wall Street Journal, call my accountant, make millions in day trading, take the yacht out, drink champagne, sleep with a Swedish supermodel, repeat. I need to mix it up a little. Things are getting dull.