Thursday, September 16, 2010

Next Time I Will Be Wearing Pants: Many Profiles

Last night me and CrazyLiz had an impromptu party on our porch, which began with a case of beer and heckling an endless stream of angry drivers who failed to parallel-ically squeeze their way into a iddy biddy rock star parking spot across the street, and ended with me passing out on my laptop.

The person who finally did get her car in that spot is the masterful Brenda, an Irish aviation engineer who lives in the basement. She's got this beautiful harlequin Great Dane named Seamus, and she's going to let me take him for walks. We applauded her parking job voraciously and tricked her into hanging out with us, and she got fuckin' durnk (which is a new word I just made up, just now, for 'drunk.' This is because I am creative, and not because I'm bad at typing) and made cat-calls at every single bike that cruised down the street.

After awhile Al roared up to the building on his motorcycle, and we shanghaied him for porch-drinking. Al is Brenda's younger brother. Lives on the third floor. That apartment up there goes through tenants like prune juice through a human centipede (I am a visual writer, if anything). Anyway, Al is the landlord (the Brenda/Al family owns the building), or at least he has been ever since Doug moved down south. I miss Doug. Kind of. Al is a better landlord, but Doug let me scam on his internet and he was in a band called DOUGOUT! and used to practice his keyboards really loud. And then he'd stuff fliers for shows under our door, and MoLinder would get all pissy because she slept directly beneath his "music" room. Now we have Al (Brenda calls him Alfie, it's friggin adorable), the Irish Chicago cop with a dog that looks like my tattoo

Oh, and Al is fucking hot.

According to Christy and Chad, who live across the hall from him and who were also hanging out on the porch with us last night, he has a plethora of lady-friends who frequently come a-callin'. And, psssst: they do it on his porch. OMG I KNOW HILARE.

It really didn't take much pleading to get these people to pile onto the porch, just some beer and an ashtray and a smile. I'm betting Al uses a similar system to lure his lady-friends, but they make the sex and I make bad jokes. Neither of us, however, end up wearing pants.

Next time we all have an impromptu party, though, I will be wearing real pants, and not boxers covered in polar bears. I promised.

We tried to get Upstairs Steve to hang out, but last time I made Upstairs Steve join me on the porch it was seven in the morning and I was still drinking from the night before and I gave him personality quizzes for like an hour. He thinks I'm odd. His power animal is the penguin.

So I'm hungover right now. Lame.

...

9 comments:

DiaryofWhy said...

Is it me or is there still an ending-less story out there, unfinished?

Unkind, my friend.

renalfailure said...

So you passed out on your laptop before sending me the obligatory drunk email? Must have been some party.

And yes, we never found out why the casino detectives were corralling your sister.

Logical Libby said...

Oh, to be young and drunk again....

daisyfae said...

it's good to invite the neighbors over to drink, especially the landlords. they'll be less bitchy when you throw up on their cars.

MoLinder said...

i miss porch drinking! (i don't miss doug and his music but i do miss his free internet). my question is why you didn't drunk dial me and let me join in porch drinking festivities from afar? jerk.

JMH said...

There is very little better than being durnk. Things seem so simple, and pants, preferably no. Please check my comments, I need a recipe from you.

nursemyra said...

How I wish I had a porch

Kono said...

Porch drinking is one of the greatest pleasures in life.

Rassles said...

Rachel: Sor.

RF: I completely forgot about drunk emailing. Completely. I apologize, and will do better in the future.

Libby: Young? Can't help you. But drunk I can give you. If you need instructions or guidance, hit me up.

Daisyfae: Or when you forget to pay rent, or when you clog the toilet, or when you accidentally break down your own back door because you were locked out.

MoL: Chill the fuck out. We will do serious porch drinking when you're in town. Al's Birthday is Halloween. He's thinking about having a building party.

JMH: Yes. Pants no, durnk yes, life is so good.

Nurse: I wish you had a porch as well.

Kono: I feel like it's one of the most unappreciated pleasures this world has to offer.