Monday, September 27, 2010

Walking Down the Street Last Friday After Many Beers and Rums

Adam: See this funeral home? I'm thinking about buying it.

Rass: And turning it into a bar?

Adam: No, and turning it into a funeral home.

(puzzled, Rassles continues shuffling down the sidewalk)

Rass: Adam?

Adam: Madam?

Rass: It already is a funeral home.

Adam: I believe it is actually an abandoned building.

Rass: Of course, of course.

Adam: I mean, it is just brimming with potential.

Rass: And caskets. Do not forget caskets.

Adam: Brimming with caskets.

Rass: Which are, in turn, brimming with potential.

Adam: You know what else brims in caskets?

Rass: Fear. And the undead.

Adam: Exactly. (we pause for a few seconds and get our bearings) Okay, so you know the World Superhero Registry?

Rass: Of course. That's where I do my online dating.

Adam: (pointing his finger at me) Touche. Well other than being rife with suitable boyfriends for you--

Rass: I fucking know what I'm getting into.

Adam: --you know how it's like, a collection of profiles that list certain qualities for each individual hero?

Rass: All of them fight crime and none have powers. It's very disappointing.

Adam: There's one more thing they all have in common: not one has an arch enemy.

Rass: Oh, please tell me we're going to drive to Ohio and start a fight with a fake superhero!

Adam: I'm thinking about it. I know karate.

Rass: You also know me.

Adam: Yes I do, and you are freakishly strong.

Rass: It's a gift and curse.

Adam: As is my impeccable timing. So here's what I'm proposing: we form a guild--

Rass: --of calamitous intent?

Adam: Exactly.

Rass: You could be The Funeral Director! and your funeral home will be our secret base. And you can have zombie henchman, oh, I get this now.

Adam: I was thinking The Reverend.

Rass: Classy, but weak. And obvious.

Adam: It is not obvious.

Rass: Oh come on, Scary Preacher Man is so cliche.

Adam: FINE. But we still need something for you.

Rass: I'm The Boss.

Adam: Well of course, but-

Rass: I dish out evil memos regarding the rules of the break room, and use up all of the toner in the printer without replacing the cartridge. And then I call my assistant into my office at 4:59 and make her stand there with a clipboard while I talk on the phone for fifteen minutes. But I don't let her leave, oh no--

Adam: I think you're missing the point, here.

Rass: --and when I hang up I'll ask her what time it is and then just send the bitch packing. But it's too late! She's already missed her train! She'll have to stay at the office an extra hour, and we don't pay overtime!

(evil, maniacal laugh

Adam: I was thinking something a little more evil, and a little more power-centric. We need to do something those superheroes have to fight. We need a plan. See, I've got a funeral home slash zombie henchman factory.

Rass: That I invented for you. Just now.

Adam: Only after I directed you towards that line of thought--

Rass: --because you're the Funeral Director--

Adam: --which was my evil plan all along.

Rass: Whatever. So what do we got for me?

Adam: I really want a teammate who will fight fire. With their bare hands.

Rass: Just give me a place and a time.

Adam: Anywhere there is a fire. And constantly. In fact, I say, fight fucking fire with such alarming brutality that fire will think twice before burning anywhere near you.

CrazyLiz: Oh my god, you guys, shut up.



Logical Libby said...

I'm amazed Liz let the two of you talk as long as she did.

nursemyra said...

Hey Rass, you and renalfailure should so get together and make babies

Chris said...

Don't forget 4:30 meetings on Fridays. Also, fighting fire with fire extinguishers. Maybe I haven't had enough rum and beer for evil thinking just now. But any plan that includes fighting people from Ohio gets my vote.

daisyfae said...

you can use my crib as the base for your ohio operations. i mean an actual crib. you shouldn't need much room. you'll be out kicking people in the ass most of the time, right?

Kono said...

There's a superhero in my neighborhood, he rides a bicycle and wears a mask (sometimes), the bike has a huge black plastic car fender on it and makes his bike look like the batmobile excpet a bike of course, i like when it's real windy and he almost wrecks. man i like drugs.

renalfailure said...

I like Nursemyra's idea. We can be like The Monarch and Doctor Mrs. the Monarch. And we answer only to David Bowie.

And if you date a superhero, you'd better be into bondage 'cause the enemies of that superhero are going to kidnap you on a regular basis.

Ellie said...

I think you're Great. But I have to say I'm with Liz. :-)