Adam: See this funeral home? I'm thinking about buying it.
Rass: And turning it into a bar?
Adam: No, and turning it into a funeral home.
(puzzled, Rassles continues shuffling down the sidewalk)
Rass: It already is a funeral home.
Adam: I believe it is actually an abandoned building.
Rass: Of course, of course.
Adam: I mean, it is just brimming with potential.
Rass: And caskets. Do not forget caskets.
Adam: Brimming with caskets.
Rass: Which are, in turn, brimming with potential.
Adam: You know what else brims in caskets?
Rass: Fear. And the undead.
Adam: Exactly. (we pause for a few seconds and get our bearings) Okay, so you know the World Superhero Registry?
Rass: Of course. That's where I do my online dating.
Adam: (pointing his finger at me) Touche. Well other than being rife with suitable boyfriends for you--
Rass: I fucking know what I'm getting into.
Adam: --you know how it's like, a collection of profiles that list certain qualities for each individual hero?
Rass: All of them fight crime and none have powers. It's very disappointing.
Adam: There's one more thing they all have in common: not one has an arch enemy.
Rass: Oh, please tell me we're going to drive to Ohio and start a fight with a fake superhero!
Adam: I'm thinking about it. I know karate.
Rass: You also know me.
Adam: Yes I do, and you are freakishly strong.
Rass: It's a gift and curse.
Adam: As is my impeccable timing. So here's what I'm proposing: we form a guild--
Rass: --of calamitous intent?
Rass: You could be The Funeral Director! and your funeral home will be our secret base. And you can have zombie henchman, oh, I get this now.
Adam: I was thinking The Reverend.
Rass: Classy, but weak. And obvious.
Adam: It is not obvious.
Rass: Oh come on, Scary Preacher Man is so cliche.
Adam: FINE. But we still need something for you.
Rass: I'm The Boss.
Adam: Well of course, but-
Rass: I dish out evil memos regarding the rules of the break room, and use up all of the toner in the printer without replacing the cartridge. And then I call my assistant into my office at 4:59 and make her stand there with a clipboard while I talk on the phone for fifteen minutes. But I don't let her leave, oh no--
Adam: I think you're missing the point, here.
Rass: --and when I hang up I'll ask her what time it is and then just send the bitch packing. But it's too late! She's already missed her train! She'll have to stay at the office an extra hour, and we don't pay overtime!
(evil, maniacal laugh)
Adam: I was thinking something a little more evil, and a little more power-centric. We need to do something those superheroes have to fight. We need a plan. See, I've got a funeral home slash zombie henchman factory.
Rass: That I invented for you. Just now.
Adam: Only after I directed you towards that line of thought--
Rass: --because you're the Funeral Director--
Adam: --which was my evil plan all along.
Rass: Whatever. So what do we got for me?
Adam: I really want a teammate who will fight fire. With their bare hands.
Rass: Just give me a place and a time.
Adam: Anywhere there is a fire. And constantly. In fact, I say, fight fucking fire with such alarming brutality that fire will think twice before burning anywhere near you.
CrazyLiz: Oh my god, you guys, shut up.