Tuesday, September 7, 2010
"Okay," sighs CrazyLiz, closing her eyes and cranking her seat back. "High Low, Wisconsin Edition. Begin."
"What do you mean? Like how many Highs and how many Lows?"
"Yeah. Five each."
"Okay. Highs? Bar with the tree at the bachelor party."
"Tree bar. For sure."
"Best Jukebox ever, super bonding music time with Phil's brother."
"I think my binding time with Phil's brother was a High."
"Well you got to make out with him, so I'd say your high supersedes mine."
CrazyLiz giggles like she's about to divulge in dirty, opulent secrets. "Until Liger Girl ruined it."
"Stupid Liger Girl."
"Did you know there's a Liger Farm in Romeoville?"
"You speak fictitious untruths. You are a fucking Liger Liar, silly sally."
"And you steal my make out partners. That was a Low."
"Concur." We pause to ridicule the audacity of Liger Girl on countless levels, because we're bitches that need to fill the three hour car trip with something.
"Okay," I start up again. "Taylor at the bachelor party. That fucking guy is like a roman candle."
"Who only drinks tequila."
"Neat," I remind her, pointing.
"Yes, only drinks tequila neat."
"And then we had to carry him down the hall to the hotel room after smashing him into the car like a drunken accordion."
"That reeks of tequila."
"Fucking Taylor." I take a sip of water, grinning.
"I got to kiss him too," she sighs, satisfied. "And cuddle. I would say cuddle time with both of them was a High."
"That's because you're a whore. I would say Taylor peeing on his pillow was a high."
"We saw his shween!"
"And then Phil had to follow the stream with the bucket and we made him sleep on it."
"You guys are such bastards."
"We are hiLARious."
"Whatever," CrazyLiz reaches forward. "Do we have any more beef jerky?"
"Fuck. Low: running out of road trip jerky."
"Lame." She puts on her sunglasses and leans back again. "Low? Not finding Otis Redding's memorial in Madison."
"High? Finding every single other memorial in Madison."
"Followed by extravagant failure. But then? Wrong turns equal super fun time."
"And Rassles' favorite museum of all time."
"Yes. New favorite museums. Could you imagine what would have happened if we didn't see that sign?"
"Yes. We would have napped, and my hangover would have mysteriously vanished."
"Small price to pay for the Circus World Museum."
"I love that you find a new favorite museum every year."
"I also love that about me."
"But you still had to wear that awful sweatshirt."
"Do not say things about my sweatshirt that you will fucking regret."
She cracks up. "Oh my GOD, that sweatshirt is such a fucking cock block."
"God forbid all of the smokin' hot dudes at the fucking Circus Museum want to stay away from us. THERE WAS NO ONE THERE."
"You shut up."
"No you shut up."
"NO YOU SHUT UP."
"GAAAAHHHHHH. You know what? Fine. Okay. Lows: CrazyLiz talking mad shit about my fucking amazing-ass sweatshirt."
"Lows: Rassles wearing retarded-ass sweatshirts."
"I hate you so hard right now. Everyone loves that sweatshirt but you."
"That's because they all know to stay away from the Dorky Crazy Lady wearing Salvation Army rejects."
"I bought that sweatshirt straight from the fucking source. IT IS MY HOME JERSEY."
"THEN WEAR IT AT HOME."
"Oh, we are so in a fight right now."
"Okay, okay. Highs. Circus Museum: climbing into the human cannon."
"Climbing into the off-limits human cannon."
"Having no one around to tell us to stop touching stuff."
"Climbing over all of the displays."
"And into creepy old traincars."
"Wearing circus costumes around the park that we found on a display rack."
"That cape was super itchy."
"You're a wuss."
"Plus it made me look huge."
"Mine was like a big gold moo-moo."
"Yes, but it was flowy and airy," I point out to her.
"And it billowed in the wind like a poem."
"Poems are known for being billowy."
"Okay. Next. Writing Phil's wedding vows for him after the rehearsal dinner."
I start to laugh, and quote our genius. "Your boobs look awesome from up here. This is because I am tall. Hey, if we have kids, are they going to be vegan like you? Because then I don't know if they can drink breastmilk."
"Low: Phil not using the vows we wrote for him."
"Seriously. Bullshit. High: beer canoe."
"High: dumping out the beer canoe and going canoeing in the lake."
"Okay, high: towel dancing on the bojangled dance floor."
"Oh, I loved towel dancing. Low: freezing cold."
"Low: everyone passing out and drinking and watching Big Fish by myself."
"High: you did not cry or fight with anyone."
"BEST WEDDING EVER!"
I think we had more than five of each.