Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The McFly Syndrome, Or: The Devolution of Sally to Four Loko

Everyone's dressed like they're about to go urban chic horseback riding, and poor Gyna has had to listen to me mention working in a stable about seven million bajillion times over the past several months, when I haven't been in a barn in years. Whenever I see people wearing fashiony riding boots and jeans that look like fucking jodphurs I get all sentimental. And then Mongo told this heartbreaking horse story, and the only solution I can think of to get myself out of this sewer of schmaltz and memory is to quit my job and become a professional carriage driver, which I would probably dominate and loathe.

Speaking of domination and loathing, Gyna sallied me into hunting for Four Loko last week because she said, and I quote, "So we need to have a Four Loko night before it is banned."

My whole face raisined and scowled. "How about we just punch each other in the throat for a few hours?"

"How about you stop being such a sally? You are acting like a lame old lady."

It's actually pretty easy to get me to agree to stupid shit: call me a sally, and I berate myself until I do it better and harder with triple the gusto (and no, you cannot sally me into blow jobs). I agreed to her proposal in the name of science and bravery, and we sallied forth--

Holy etymological epiphanies, Batman! If to "sally forth" is to embark on adventure, and I believe in adventure with all my brains, then calling someone a "sally" in place of yellow-bellied chickerlegs is just downright irresponsible. Besides, I don't know anyone named Sally that reacts like a ninny-headed Nancy-face whenever something unpleasant comes up.

BOOM. Solved instantly. Here we go: Nancy is the new Sally. I've never liked any Nancys anyway, they're all so shrieky and nasally. Nancys are the types of people that can't enjoy Four Loko for even comedic value. Nancys are teabagging hypocrits who ask stupid questions like, "If your friend was a lesbian, would you still hang out with her?" or "do you want to go to Fridays for dinner?" and they love movies starring Ashley Judd/Katherine Heigl/Kate Hudson (remember when Kate Hudson was like a clean glacier stream and then she went and made a crapton of movies that weren't Almost Famous?).

I think I was spoiled living with MoLinder, because we always had parallel tastes in movies and TV shows, and argued our differing opinions incessantly. CrazyLiz lives on a completely different plane of entertainment and I feel like a dick because I loathe half the things she loves, and I will tell her so. But when I tell her I don't like something - and it's this way with everything - I want her to defend it with the same passion she claims to feel for the story itself. I don't want her to say,"Oh" and then silence herself.

I want to hear why. I want everyone to tell me why they love the things they love, because "I just do" isn't enough for me. Drives everyone crazy, I know, but they drive me crazy. Can't you people just be on my side? I have to compromise for the sake of the world, shouldn't the world sometimes compromise for the sake of me?

So many people claim to love something and so few champion that thing with unbridled zealotry, it just makes no sense. I'm a fucking zealot for the things I love - that's how I love things. With insanity and repetition and constants. And like, math.

Right now I kind of love grape-flavored Four Loko.

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15 comments:

nursemyra said...

I had to google Four Loko.... goddamit why can't we get it over here?!?!

daisyfae said...

if i find a source, i'm gonna hoard that shit. not for re-sale, but to put in my 'bug out bunker' - in case of zombies, you're gonna need Four Loco...

Sid said...

Does everyone but me like "Almost Famous?"

Also what is "Four Loko"?

renalfailure said...

Big surprise, I like that fashionable riding boot over jeans look. But I'm not big on horses... likely because they're not cats. No one rides a cat... except He-Man did but he's fucking He-Man. Skeletor rode a panther, but then again he's Skeletor.

Four Loko... for when you're too lazy to mix Red Bull with vodka.

Jessica said...

that is the energy drink and alcohol thing they want to ban? please explain how it's different from sparks. i don't follow the news.

ryan lawson said...

I had a high-school basketball coach who used to call us 'nancy' until I told him that 'nan-zee' was German slang for 'cute boy'.

Should've seen his face.

Kono said...

I prefer Tennant's Super Lager (ye olde purple tin) and cocaine. Well i used to before i became a Sally or is that a Nancy?

Jane said...

My mildly-douchebaggy-but-still-nice-and-sometimes-cool housemate bought an entire case of Four Loco last week. He has yet to drink it, but I have made him promise to let me be present for the event. :)

Also, talk to me about things that I love that you don't love - I will talk your ear off and get super loud and excitable about it, possibly until you decide you don't like me anymore. I'm really terrible about saying to people, "What do you mean, you don't like [fill in the blank]?! Are you crazy?! But it's awesome", and then gushing about its awesomeness.

So...yes. It also annoys me when people are not passionate about things. I mean, damn. What is life without passion and excitement? Boring, that's what.

JMH said...

We took lemon lime Four Loko today. After several hours, we are crippled. We are in bad shape. I can see where it would be addictive. It tastes like artificially flavored gasoline. Kind of good, mostly bad.

MoLinder said...

twister is on. i fucking love this ridiculous movie.

Ellie said...

I too had to use Google to stay current. Had never heard of 4 loko.

Chamuca said...

Bitch, have you started watching McLeod's Daughters yet?

Kind of a soap opera, BUT there are sexy feminist lady cowboys (not cowgirls), hot Australian cowboys, tons of horses, and baby critters.

gyna said...

soooo, i know i should be excited for the four loko post but i was more excited for the shout out to my new boots. holla!

Here In Franklin said...

Linda is my Nancy. I have never met a Linda that I didn't want to run over with my riding lawn mower.

A Free Man said...

This reads like Brett Easton Ellis.

That, incidentally, is a very good thing.