Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Casual as Castles

I don't want to pressure you to respond to comments, although more Rassles = more better, but I'd like your opinion on this. Someone said "if you're laughing at what you're writing, stop drinking." There seems to be a fundamental flaw there, but I can't put my finger on it.
- JMH, The Good Word of Sprout

You know, I would say that it's just plain wrong, because I am fucking hilarious and currently sober. But then I realize: ever since I stopped drinking as much as I useterr, everyone is so much less interesting, including myself, and I am easily the most interesting person I know.

For example, lately I've been nonstopgoogling pictures of Putin with various adorable animals. If anyone is a Real Life Magnificent Bastard, it's Vladimir Fucking Putin. I think it's the nose. He looks like Hitler Youth Julius Caesar, like he could be the fucking Emperor of Everything. I don't know if he's a hero or a villain, and I don't care. He leans like Jordan Catalano, casual as castles. He's carved from ice and homophobia and St. Bernard puppies, he burns like an Unextinguishable Thing That Brightly Burns. I am fascinated by pictures of the man, and I'm amused by my fascination even more than I am by Putin himself. My self-obsession is way meta-er than yours.

I think that someone who would declare something as ridiculous as that quote from JMH up there (who, obviously, is on my side here) doesn't really understand laughter and hilarity to begin with. Why would we listen to someone so ignorant? It's sweeping generalizations like that that kill society. Say something with assuredness and people will accept it as truth whether they understand it or not.

Most likely whoever said that is of the opinion that laughter is just discomfort at being confronted with the truth (people falling, feeling embarrassed, dirty jokes, close-calls) and they've ruled out the kind that comes from sheer joy of living. Someone reads too much Robert Heinlein.

But chances are it was said by a humorless cement-carving with weak, narrow shoulders and wide feet. Someone whose nose is far too small for their face, perhaps. People with too-small noses always need to be fucking taken care of. Victims have dainty little noses. I'm instinctively more watchful and protective of small-nosed people, because how can you properly take care of yourself when your nose is that small? How can you possibly make good decisions when you can't smell danger in the distance with your pert little sniffer? Haven't you ever desired a proud, handsome, substantial nose that suggests monarchial conviction? A nose that makes you seem, dare I say, a little more like Putin, a man whose nose is sweeping and elegant?

It's not that I distrust small noses or that I dislike people who have them, they just have poor interpretive skills and are bad at finding things. I just made a list of all of my friends with noses too small for their faces, and they're an adorable batch of noses growing on lovely people, but I'm totally right: they require way more emotional energy than everyone else. They need more reassurance, they're more easily offended, they enjoy being coddled and served.

I should write a book about this, about judging people's noses. And people will believe me because my nose is odd and prominent and because I say things confidently.

Either way: yeah, JMH. That person whoever said that shit was so wrong, and I'm sorry this post had nothing to do with it.



Chamuca said...

When I was in Jr. High, I hated my big faux Roman nose (actually German). I didn't like people looking at me from the side, and one time some dude asked me if I was Jewish because of it. Maybe because I was wearing a necklace with my name in Hebrew helped with that though.

Also, I've heard that dudes with big noses are good at oral sex.

Diary of Why said...

You have made me and my big nose's day. Plus I am always smelling stuff other people can't smell, which has its ups and downs, obviously, but I always thought I would be great as a "nose," one of those specially trained perfume-sniffers. What would be REALLY great would be if I could solve crimes with my extra amazing sense of smell, and why hasn't anyone created a drama series about that already? They have shows about body language experts and psychics, why not super human crime sniffers?

JMH said...

What a fine post. Of course, I'm partial to the ones where good ol' Jimmhuh is given a prominent position. And I'm a little bit comforted as I've been plagued by the notion that the short days and long nights of this foul season have turned me from good crazy to bad crazy (although this still may be the case). Wow, I sound like a small-noser.

Also I like the asides. It's nice to cross-pollinate.

Upon giving it some thought, I think what bothers me about that quote is the condemnation of laughter in whatever form. So what if I have a grandiose conception of my own skill at humor while altered. Am I not allowed that? Do I not have the right? I think the alternative is worse.

Meagan said...

Hmm... I think if I'm not laughing at my jokes then they aren't funny. I have a pretty damn good sense of humor so if I'm funny I'm going to laugh.

nursemyra said...

I have a friend who laughs at all his own jokes, he also has quite a small nose. I find him totally adorable.

Me, I have a long bony nose that can smell out people with the best sense of humour. That's why I spend time here. And at Renal Failure's, of course.

gyna said...

are you only friends with me because of my nose??

Rassles said...


gyna said...

you are correct- after i read it i thought about all of my friends' noses and most of them are not tiny. interesting stuff here. also makes me feel better about my nose. i always thought mine was too big for my face.

Jane said...

It's been a long time since I heard a good Jordan Catalano reference. I love it here, as I am also weirdly fascinated by Putin, both physically as a person and politically.

I've never thought about this little-nose theory, but now I must keenly examine my friends' faces and make a decision as to where I stand on the issue.

Sid said...

Dearest Rassles

Everytime I read your work, I realise how ordinary I am. You just have this odd way of looking at the world and describing it.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop girl crushing and analyse my nose. I can't decide if it's too small ...

Kono said...

I'm hoping Vlad Putin gets a lead role in the Red Dawn remake, he'd seriously kick ass...

as for the "if your laughing at what your writing, stop drinking" i don't understand it, i would never stop drinking to start writing.

Ellie said...

My nose is not small and pert. It's not large either. But my nostrils are huge.

Happy new year!

renalfailure said...

I own a prominent nose, you can't miss it.

Rassles said...

Chamuca: Fuck that, your nose is awesome. You're all Jennifer Grey (who, by the way, is a fucking pussy who can't hang because she got a nose job) but way cooler and hotter.

DoW: Hooray for Big Nose! I cannot smell crime, but sometimes I can smell despair, which is close.

JMH: At first, I thought "Jimmhuh" was like Yiddish for nose or something, and then after saying it out loud I realized that I'm an idiot. And you are correct, about the quote of course. I intended to talk more about it, but the nose thing kept on sneaking up on me.

Meagan: Agreed.

Nurse: Small noses are very adorable, that's the thing. They are so adorable they are helpless.

Gyna: I like your nose, and I know you don't...but I do.

Jane: Stick with me, and it'll be MSCL 23/6.

Sid: You are not ordinary. You are a snowflake. You think these things too, you just don't write them down. I can smell it about you.

Kono: (speaking of Jennifer Grey) If Putin is in Red Dawn, I will shit myself. No joke. Also, I cannot believe they're remaking Red Dawn. Is it like, "Swayze's dead and so is the Brat Pack! Our President is a red commie bastard! LET'S REMAKE RED DAWN!"

Ellie: Most noses are average. It's those small ones that'll get you. They remind me of woodland creatures.

RF: I knew you would.