Monday, March 7, 2011

Hypothetically, I am Awesome at Double Dutch

Someone called me quirky recently. I was confused and a bit insulted. I am not quirky. At least I don't think I'm quirky.

"Quirky" suggests a gleeful pride in your own peculiarities, whereas I don't think I'm very peculiar at all. Everyone else is peculiar for thinking I'm peculiar. I am just me. Peculiar is highly underused, as far as words are concerned.

But this guy was just so lame. I have to talk to strangers at networking events; it's a non-profit hazard. But do they all have to suck at the art of conversation? I don't give a shit about where you went to college. I don't think it's interesting that one time you and your buddies took a road trip to Miami and it was so wild, you just like got drunk and just acted stupid, your friends are so crazy! You're just like the guys in Entourage!

Sometimes having a conversation with strangers is's like hypothetically, I'm fucking awesome at double dutch. But my turners are a T-Rex and a kangaroo and their quaint little arms just ain't fit for rope skipping. So I get all tangled up because they just don't have the skill to play, and after encouraging them to try and coaxing with candied meats and repeated failures at both, I snag the rope in frustration and jump alone while they watch. And I'm hammering the shit out of tricks and spins, I'm a butterfly on cocaine and I try to pass them the rope and they just look at me, and the kangaroo giggles to the T-rex, "someone has a lot of time on their hands. You're quirky." Fuck you. I just gave an Olympic oratory performance, you jealous fuck.

"You can't just ask people if they can hear punctuation," CrazyLiz says. "It's weird."

"How is that weird? Have you ever had a conversation with someone who only speaks in run-on sentences? It's infuriating, and I never get a turn."

"But you have to do small talk first, that's how it works. Those are the rules."

"Those rules are fucking stupid. Stupid."

"People need to be eased into your thoughts sometimes," she explains lightly.

"That's ridiculous. If you can't play, I don't want to talk to you anyway."

CrazyLiz laughs. "You are such a bitch."

"I have rhetorical fucking standards, is what it is. Quirky. They called me quirky. Who the fuck are you?"

"Well Rass, you've got your quirks."

I remain silent in protest and rub my forehead, because I've been drinking for about nine hours.

"Okay, for example: you bought a pair of boots. Instead of saying, 'hey, do you like my new shoes?' you throw yourself into a ten-minute expose about 'gratuitous boots' and 'buckle-fashion' and 'equestrian-decked pedestrians' or whatever, and you can say it to me because we've been friends for fifteen years, but strangers are just going to think you're crazy."

"They can't handle my shit. Charlie Sheen could handle my shit. And then this other girl starts talking to us and she's all adorable with big deer eyes and boring and she laughs at everything, and the guys are like spilling out of their seats to snag her attention. I'm sorry that I'll only laugh at your jokes when they're fucking funny."

"I thought that was a different conversation...didn't you already tell me this?"

"It happens all the fucking time."

"Okay, Rass, I'm going to bed, I can't have the same conversation again. I'm tired."

"It's just fucking bullshit. 'Oh, you drove a car? And you had a beer? In Miami? That's sooooo funny.' Spoons and gagging. Fucking trollop."

"It's six AM, can't we talk about this tomorrow?"

"And it's like, is that what they want? They would rather talk to someone who just fucking fawns over their insignificance and offers no actual thoughts or sentences to a conversation and I hand them fucking gemstones and ingots and it's like, 'oh, you're quirky. Oh, you're feisty.' Fuck you. I am brilliant."



nursemyra said...

Yes you are brilliant Rassles! I suck at small talk too. What's the point in it anyway?

daisyfae said...

you could play small talk as a game, maybe -- doing the little dance, hoarking up polite conversational nuggets, and then working up to asking a really important question, such as "do you own a fucking mirror? because i think if you did, you'd never have left the house with that comb over".

they'll never see it coming.

Diary of Why said...

Quirky is Meg Ryan in any movie she's ever been in.

I think having a conversation with you would be like being a lion tamer, and just trying not to get eaten alive. It would make it exciting, like Extreme Conversation, but also terrifying.

I still can't get over candied meats. Is that a thing? It's too early in the morning to think about what that might taste like without gagging.

Kono said...

You and me would be like Frazier and Ali in conversation, dig. Jaws would drop, tape-recorders would explode and most likely people would stand and clap at the brilliance espoused.

renalfailure said...

Yeah, it's no shocker than I'm horrible at small talk as well. It sure as hell explains why I've written a blog about drinking with a ninja and a cyborg cat for five years. Go find some improv people to hang with. Your odds of finding someone who can deal with your brilliance will go up.

And boots are not gratuitous. Boots are respect.

JMH said...

Yes, I can see how you'd be underappreciated. Quirky is not a good word. It means superficially crazy I think, with a nose like a bunny. If crazy's worth doing comma it's worth doing right comma right down to the depths period Period.

As small talk goes, I do adore talking about the weather.

How was it yesterday?

It was gray, frigid, icy, gusty, bone-chilling. I might as well have not worn clothes.

How is it today?

It is chilly, clear, bright, blue, bright blue. It makes my brain tingle.

How will it be tomorrow?

I don't know, I'm not God.

nuts4fruits said...

I find it easier to be boring than brilliant. Otherwise fools always come back expecting to be enlightened or entertained.

Logical Libby said...

I hear Charlie Sheen is looking for another girlfriend. And think, you would never have to network again!

Red said...

As an actor, when talking about how people perceive me, I've gotten quirky. And one of my friends, who is far more successful an actress than I am, gets it to and gets pissy about it. But I don't think it's a bad thing. Own it, Ross. Own it.

Red said...

Damnit. "gets it, too"!

Sid said...

Yeah. My sister is like that. She giggles even if a guy isn't funny. (Mind you she's smart and funny.) But I can't do it. Like hello, you need to earn my love and attention.

Blues said...

That's the kind of shit people say when they're thinking 'I'm dumb compared to this chick and I don't know what to do about it'