Thursday, March 10, 2011

We've Had it With Your Discipline

1. Saturday night I got drunk. Like meathead drunk. I was sloppy and slurry, and at the end of the night I felt very awkward when Apples definitely pulled me in for a long hug, smelled my hair and whispered, "I love you so much" while his girlfriend stared at us.

2. But Apples is an awkward guy, and making people feel awkward is pretty much his job. I've never met anyone better at making people feel awkward than Apples. Regardless, in my drunken stupor it affected me deeply and irrationally, and I wondered what he meant by it other than the usual and freaked out.

3. So I met up with M.E.'s girlfriend at a shitty Puerto Rican thug bar called Lockdown and complained for awhile about how "skulls are so mainstream" and "ironic t-shirts are for pussies" and overreacting with worry regarding Apples, because I was fucking hammered. It lasted an hour, maybe, before I crawled home at 3:30 and started making mahfuckin' stroganoff, what what.

4. My buzzer rang twenty minutes later because Al the Landlord forgot his keys and saw that our lights were on, so he came over and we cracked some more beers and woke up CrazyLiz around four, who grabbed a beer and cheers-ed in because she's a fucking rock star. Al was pretty shit-faced himself and he didn't want to wake up his girlfriend (who was asleep in his place upstairs) and we talked about toilets.

5. After much laughter and camaraderie, AltL grunted, "Check this out," slammed his foot on the coffee table and dragged up his pantleg Dreyfuss-style, and all I could think was, "YES! battle-scars!" but instead he slid a handgun out of his ankle holster and laid it moderately delicately on the coffee table. So there was a gun in my apartment.

"And there's my gun," he laughed, like it was nothing.

"Fyou think we're playing Russian roulette," I slurred, "then you got a 'nother think. Sthera rule bout cops n guns? Can you even do this?" AltL is also a cop.

"Ha! I know, I know. S'not loaded." He pressed a button or something to prove it to me.

I stretched out my hand and grabbed at the air. "Gimme, please."

AltL held the handle out towards me and I grabbed the gun like a light in the dark, but my motor skills were all scrambled and boozy.

"Cock it," he said.

I turned the gun over in my hand, gripped barrel and looked at him. "Is this the barrel? Do handguns have barrels? Or is that just shotguns?" He answered, but I did not pay any attention since I was holding a fucking handgun. I'd never held a gun before. I shot my first BB gun in like December, shit I think I saw my first handgun like a year earlier. One time I shouldered an antique rifle.

My mom is the Queen of the anti-weapon-people. We weren't even allowed to have water guns. I don't think I even used a sharp knife until I was eighteen (this is probably because I am an idiot, and not really the work of my mom). Which is stupid, I think, because it does not lead to careful respect for firearms, it leads to wonder and complete irresponsibility. At least for me.

So drunken Rassles held a handgun and tried to cock it like a pro. But I forgot how hammered I was, and my hand slipped off the barrelgrip and I jammed my finger and pinched my thumb in some snappy invisible crevasse, dropped the gun, and then snatched it midair like a slippery little fish because I have wicked good catching skills but sloppy, fidgetty fingers.

CrazyLiz gasped and carefully wrestled the gun away from my cold, drunk hands.

"Snot loaded, Liz," I scoffed at her. "Give it. I'm fine."

"I don't give a shit," she explained. CrazyLiz, the guffawed voice of reason. "You aimed it at me, and now you lose your gun privileges."

"Horseshit. I did not aim atchoo."

"Yeah, you kinda did," AltL laughs like an oafish donkey putz. I like AltL.

"I like you, Al," I say, and my head lolls. "Sors. I don't not know...I know I don't...I don't, um. I know not what I fucking do, man." My head collapsed on the arm of the couch because my neck stopped working, and I looked at AltL with heavy eyes. "Sors."

"It's cool."

I closed my eyes slowly. "Liz. LIZ!"

"What? I'm right here."

"I am sors for pointing guns."

"It's okay, sweetie."

"You don't call me sweetie. You are being...pphhhh something."

There was a series of serious of lock-n-load clicks and snicker-snacks, and I glazed over at CrazyLiz, who mobilized the gun like a soldier and passed it back to AltL with discerned respect. "You should put that away before she hurts herself." I wanted to grab it out of her hands and just cuddle it like a teddy bear.

Al reaches for his gun, and nods, smiling. "That's prolly a good idea."

"Fuck you guys and yer guns."

AltL looks at CrazyLiz, I think. My eyes were closed. "So she's never held a gun before."

"No, she hasn't."

"But you definitely have."

"I learned how to shoot when I was in elementary school," CrazyLiz did her CrazyGiggle. "My dad is kind of a fanatic."

"My parents are accountants," I interjected. Loudly. "They do Lord of the Rings puzzles and taxes." I realized how lame that sounded, so I had to add something badass and huntery. "But I can gut n' skin a rabbit in a minute."

"What'd she say?" AltL asked Liz.

"To feed the tigers," I slurred. "We put 'em in pumpkins."

"What? Tigers?"

"She worked at a zoo," Liz translates, "like eight years ago. She thinks she's an expert."


"Tiger blood. Hehe. What? If tigers eat rabbits do they have rabbit blood? AltheLandlord! you should take the test. I bet you'd be a eagle. What? Stop talking. Shhhh." I opened my eyes and looked up. "Can I see the gun again?"


Oh, and BITCHES. New header. Give me compliments. Jeeze.



Jacob said...

I grew up deep in the rural south. I think I got a deer rifle for Christmas when I was 12 and au had a .22 rifle before that. There was a no-tolerance policy for profanity at my high school, but not for guns because some boys had to keep rifles in their trucks during hunting season because they didn't have time to go home from their deer stand.before school.

nuts4fruits said...

My dad owned a gun and took me to the shooting range when I was sixteen. Handled several pieces but could never get my hands steady after firing. Weird.

Your new header is awesome. But having accountant parents is even more awesome. Wanna trade?

daisyfae said...

"Snot loaded"

yep. cold season's a bitch...

Jane said...

I love your stories. Sometimes, I read your blog out loud to whatever friends are present when I'm reading. Because I love your stories that much.

Kono said...

Guns make me fucking nervous, probably cuz i've been exposed to to many lunatics who had them,i also think no one writes drunk dialogue better than you Razz my dear... and i think Jane should read my stories out loud to her friends. i'm not stoned. like hippy johnnie. then again maybe i am.

Diary of Why said...

This story sets up like an after school special; all fun and drunken hijinx until, blammo. Glad there wasn't a surprise twist ending to this story.

And Kono, you just reminded me of how much I used to love the Modern Lovers, so thanks for that.

nursemyra said...

I noticed you diverted us all from the subject of Apples pretty damn quick.....

Rassles said...

Jacob: DEER STAND. People have deer stands. I mean, yeah, I know people have deer stands but just knowing that I am like just a couple degrees of separation from a deer stand is thrilling.

Nuts: No trade Jose, although sometimes I think it would be nice to have a dad that fights crime instead of tax evasion.

Daisy: 3 points for punnery

Jane: I do that too! Not about your blog, though, about my blog! I love my stories that much too! Also, I do hope my facetiousness is coming across correctly. I would hate to overestimate its effectiveness.

Kono: It also made me nervous, but more than anything it made me want to shoot something. That is bad. but I'm straight.

Rachel: I don't do twists. They're too M. Night Shamalamalamadong.

Nurse: that's because initially this post was going to be about insecurity, and then I remembered about the gun and decided firearms safety was much more important and hilarious.

renalfailure said...

Usually your sloppy drunk adventures involves rejection and devolve into self-pity, crying, and depression. This one started with unsure affection and devolved into sleepy belligerence.

And behind the dinosaur looks like the villa Schwarzenegger shoots up in the movie "Commando."

nursemyra said...

daisyfae left a comment about you on my last blog post (the one before today's)

Anonymous said...


RE #3: petsmart has martha stewart brand dog shirts w/ silver bedazzled-like skulls on the back. so that's what's happening with skulls nowadays.

Ellie said...

I like Al. I like CrazyLiz. I like your mom. I'm scared of guns.

Heather Wigton said...

You do know that you're doomed, don't ya? Once you feel the itch to make with the 'bang bang', it will eat at you, crawl through the darkness lurking in the depths of your subconscious until it becomes an overwhelming drive, an itch that can only be scratched with hot lead. Come on over to Virginia and I'll get you a thunderstick to play with down on the farm, guaranteed to give you a hell of a 'bang' and scratch that itch! There are plenty of tin cans around here with a severe lead deficiency that only girls with guns can address....

M. said...

SOooo you're still hilarious.

The header is fucking awesome.

Chris said...

Love the Springtime header. Glad you didn't shoot anybody. Maybe it would be best if only outlaws had guns. Although I suspect you could rock an AK.

Mia Watts said...

I seriously need to get drunk some day. Unfortunately, the two cherry jello Jack Daniel's shots I did were stupid. They made my face hot and red. Like all alcohol does for me.

So instead of saying vaguely profound slash lame things in that state, I look like a blushing twelve year old with a stupid grin and a propensity to drunk dial. Yes, on two watered down fucking jello shots.

I'm lame.

Blues said...

A girl today in real life asked me if I could recommend any blogs to her but because I don't like to mix real life and blog life, I didn't tell her about you. I only gave her ones I liked way back when but haven't left comments on in years. Oh I wanted to share this one. I so wanted her to read you. But nope. Not giving you to the realsies yet.

Your header is badass.

Guns are dumb.

My brother in law is in gun trouble. He pulled a gun on people that were trying to rob him and he got arrested for assault. Three nights in jail and 40,000 bucks in lawyer fees to get his felony charge down to a misdemeanor. We still don't know if this will happen. If he has a felony on his record he is royally fucked like forever and so is my sister. Thing is, he never would have used the gun, so why even get it out? Just call the cops if people are robbing you. duh.