Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I'm about to ruin Sucker Punch for EVERYONE and I don't even care because I sympathized with the dragons

Days 11 and 12, a song from your favorite band and a song from a band you hate and I'm sorry for reviewing a movie but I'm very angry because this movie was horrible

You know, whenever I want to escape my horrible real life where John Hamm is hammering an icepick into my heavily lined-eye, I like to escape to a magical Sailor Moony realm in my head where I'm a whore in a whorehouse where the whores aren't even proper whores with sexual providence and snappy comebacks and drug addictions, they're all weepy angelic ballet dancers who are blondely baffled that one keeps knives in kitchens (they are women, and whores at that, so illogical stupidity is forgivable), because kitchens are mysterious and vile just like potatoes and fat people. Apparently no one keeps knives in drawers or in wooden countertop knife holsters but everyone has shimmery tactical shotguns and thigh-highs and soldiers bleed steam (PUNK!) and it's totally okay to go around slitting the throats of adorable baby dragons napping on beds of bones hidden in the bowels of Mordor, and then the whores all kill terminators with their samurai swords on the train that's going to contaminate all of the water in Gotham and throw Molotov cocktail tantrums elbow-first like sex pansydolls with ginormous blinky-eyes. And then Don Draper is all, "I'm starting to think lobotomies are old hat, this is my last one I swear, and then I'm going into advertising" and all the rapey people simultaneously arrive at the enlightening realization that rape is wrong, and hey guys, I don't think this is a good idea because she has the golden sacrificial face of an ANGEL and that urinal hasn't been cleaned since the first time we raped someone in here back in the good ole days o' rapin' but lately they bitches been gettin' stabby.

So there were pretty okay fight scenes sometimes, although I never got the impression that these girls were kicking ass so much as they had really easy targets (you trained your men to fight in 300, do us a favor and make your women do the same, asshole), and I'm glad Zack Snyder at least tried, embarrassingly so, but you know what Snyder? Shut the fuck up. The best part of your movie was when you started killing whores because you couldn't think of anything else to do with them. It was hilarious.

Back to the meme.

So I couldn't decide if I should post the hand-painted original video, which is awesome, but a little too ADD and seizury for me right now after a night of Sucker Punch.



And I'm not going to post a video from a band I hate, because right now the thing I hate most is the soundtrack of Sucker Punch and its literal lyrical narration with grrrrl power covers of songs that were perfect to begin with.  So I'm going to post a Beastie Boys video because they make me happy.

...

Apparently it's Emily Browning singing the covers, and she's the main actress. That makes things a little bit okay-er since she utters two sentences in total. You should have just made it a battle musical escapist world and nixed the whorehouse. Poorly done, Snyder. Call me next time and I will Tim Gunn things for you.

...

8 comments:

formerly fun said...

My three fav parts(of your review not Sucker Punch)...

Bitches getting stabey, I will Tim Gunn it for you, and your unique feminist critique.

Cat said...

Utterly convincing and spell binding story, obviously a life line for all young women in trouble. There's hope for all writers yet, if this makes the screens. Am inspired to practice being stabby all week.

Rassles said...

I fear this movie will do nothing but inspire production companies to stick with slick-looking bullshit movies, with no thought for coherent story or character development or anything.

Why can't people make movies that are both bad ass to watch and excellent stories, or at least watchable? We need more Christopher Nolans and Todd Phillipses.

nursemyra said...

Movie looks awful though I do like Abbie Cornish. she was great in Candy and Somersault

Kono said...

I don't watch movies. I do own Paul's Boutique on vinyl. I may have just out dorked you.

renalfailure said...

"The best part of your movie was when you started killing whores because you couldn't think of anything else to do with them. It was hilarious."

Sounds like something Frank Miller would do, whether in Sin City or a Batman comic or pretty much everything Frank Miller does.

This Caterpillar said...

There's STABBING in this? Way to fucking put "spoiler alert" in this mothabitch, Rass, shit.

-Mae

Blues said...

The first line in this song is so killer.

Kono totally outdorked you with the vinyl. Paul's Boutique makes me proud of my culture.