Monday, August 29, 2011

CK Dexter Haven, Either I'm Gonna Sock You or You're Gonna Sock Me

Because I am nonpareil at dental hygiene and less important things like making giant balls of cheap rubber bands and reusing the same piece of tape over and over and over again, two habits which directly correlate to this story because they portray my determination to accomplish mundane tasks with pride and drama, last Thursday I was flossing and trying to get at them pesky back teeth and I totally I dislocated my jaw.

My jaw clicks.  It always has.  When it clicked open that morning I didn't think much of it, but I did have some flashes of thought like, "I am so awesome at flossing" and "I'll bet my mouth-opening abilities could rival that of the Burmese Python, 20-foot terror of the Asian jungle" and then I tried speaking in Parseltongue and learned that my mouth couldn't close.  It hurt like fuck.

I stood there gaping, trying to ease my mouth shut, but I couldn't bite down and it felt like someone lit a hedgehog on fire and wedged it into my temporomandibular joint (Dear Version-2001 of Professor DeWitt: like I said, I don't need your 8:30am anatomy classes for shit and your ponytail is stupid).  Sure, I could close my lips and pucker (thank god, with all my daily smooching), but my teeth weren't flush.  In fact, the upper row of teeth couldn't meet the lower at all.

But I was late to work, so I just powered through it.  Finished the morning routine and fucked around with my jaw for awhile on the bus.  My speech was fine, and when I was wiggling my jaw around and just sitting there it didn't hurt at all.  But I still sat at my desk for hours and tried to strain my teeth together, massaging my cheek, hoping to grunt things back into place.

This lasted for the better part of the day, until I took my late lunch.  I was only two excruciating bites in when dawned on me:  I cannot chew this Big Beef n' Cheddar without medical assistance. 

After some intense googling, I learned that I could probably force my jaw back into place, and all those silly people on the internet who were all "go to a doctor immediately" were amateurs, because it really wasn't that bad, right?  It only hurt when I tried to chew, or like, move.  Granted it felt like someone was slowly ripping my ear off - but I wasn't bleeding or swelling or bruising.

So I when to the bathroom I made sure I was alone, because I didn't want anyone watching me abusively magic my jaw back into place.    I grabbed my lower mandible, fingers wrapped around my teeth, palm cupping my chin, and opened my mouth as wide as possible, like the queen of the Alien brood, but way scarier because she had my eyes, that bitch.

I breathed deep.  It was time.  My sandwich was getting cold.  I raised my right fist, closed my eyes, counted to twelve (YOU FUCKING SALLY, JUST DO IT ON THREE), yanked my jaw down hard and punched myself in the face, right on the jawline.

And then I screamed.  

But a few seconds later I opened my eyes.  Wriggled my jaw around, which was pleasantly clicking like normal, and I bit my teeth together, which were clacking like normal. A bit strained, but normal.  I traced one finger along my jaw to make sure everything felt right and good, and you know what?  I AM THE FUCKING BOSS. My skills as a de-dislocator are legendary.  Fucker popped right back into place, just like it was supposed to.  Keep that bitch in line with sock to the jaw.

It's been five days, and despite a few raging headaches, everything is hunky dory.  My life is perfect. I fucking hate doctors.



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13 comments:

nuts4fruits said...

This story gave me a raging headache. Dude, you're my hero.

MoLinder said...

fucking bad ass.

my jaw locked shut when i was about 15 or 16. i was in a car accident months before and my jaw started to click and pop shortly after. then one day, yeah. i had to "go to the doctor immediately" and ended up going through physical therapy for almost a year. it's still fucked up. i should have done it your way and punched myself in the jaw.

Brian said...

Holy hell. If you were here, I'd bow before you, you goddamn mandibular superhero, you.

Long time, no read. It's not you, it's me. I swear . . .

JMH said...

Dr. Rassles, that is fucking phenomenal. It's a pity I can't cure a rash that way. Or can I?

daisyfae said...

beyond badass. you are on my team... for WHATEVER comes up. this is the first step toward being able to cut (or chew) off your own arm if it's stuck in a rock.

Jessica said...

impressive!

sid said...

Totally freaked out when I read this!

nursemyra said...

Heroic-ism personified

Kono said...

and you say you're not punk rock, i don't think those pussies in Doc Martens and mohawk's would have the cojones to do that. nice one.

renalfailure said...

I find this awesome on so many levels... some of them arousing.

Jane said...

I once dislocated my jaw so completely that I had to go to the ER. My mouth was stuck, like, super open, and no amount of effort on my part (including trying to punch myself in the jaw) made it go back in. Both sides were massively dislocated. It was the most pain I've ever felt.

After 7 hours of trying manually, the doctors ended up having to insert these massive-as-fuck needles full of muscle relaxers directly into each side of my face, and then popping the jaw out and sliding it back into place. I then had to wear a bandage wrapped around my chin and the top of my head for two days.

But I, uh, *cough* wasn't doing anything as, uh, innocent as flossing my teeth. Yeah. *cough*

Rassles said...

Nuts: We could be headache twins.

MoL: Cure for the ages. Also works against rabies, scabies, and unwanted babies.

BRIAN: Well, if it isn't one of my favorite blogging fathers, back from the dead!

JMH: Just rabies, scabies, and unwanted babies. And unnecessary morbidity.

Daisy: I'm pretty sure I could do it, and I would never wait 127 hours for it. I'm thinking four. Tops.

JT: Also very, very stupid. It could have gone very badly.

Sid: I freaked out when I wrote it, so we both win.

Nurse: As a nurse, do you have any sage words of wisdom or anger?

Kono: I really am so much more hardcore than people give me credit for. Except you, of course.

RF: From now on I will only write in awkward, self-loathed, unabashed confidence and swagger, and we'll see how aroused we can get you. No sexting.

Jane: You also punched yourself in the jaw as a cure? I was so sure I invented that. I am Jack's moderate disappointment in not being a beautiful and unique snowflake.

Jane said...

Rassles: Punch might be a strong word. You are probably unique in that. I tried hitting myself in the bottom and side of the jaw a few times. But I was also a major, major wimp about it, so "punch" is definitely a stronger word than what I did.

I just cried for a long time, and then punked out and went to the hospital.

You are very, very unique in fixing it yourself. For serious. As a fellow jaw-dislocator, you're kind of my hero in this.