Is there a God? Why is it that when you slice a seashell in half, you find math inside? Why can't I start working at noon as I am not a farmer? Does a man really want a woman with a sense of humor, or does he just want a woman who laughs at his jokes? Who is the sadist that keeps on airing those ASPCA commercials?
When did irony stop functioning as a rhetorical device and become a cultural slogan for sloppy contrast? Who steals my pens when I'm not at my desk? Are dragons real? Chickens and eggs, which came first? Who is the most important musical figure since the inception of Rock and Roll: Elvis, Les Paul, or the Beatles as a cheeky whole? Why does everyone buy Puffs and still call it Kleenex?
Who coined the phrase "throw you under the bus"? Where do they live? Is it near a bus stop? Why do people repeat that phrase when it makes no sense and sounds fucking idiotic? Why are potato stems useless? How many apple seeds can you eat before you feel the effects of the cyanide? How is it statistically possible that I am undefeated in air hockey (Holla)?
Does anyone ever enjoy a Hollywood reboot? When did rope become irrelevant? How did Mrs. Grass chicken noodle soup become a proven placebo cure-all for everything bad ever ever? How did I get so close to one set of grandparents and retain such antipathy for the other? Fucking magnets, how do they work? Which is better: quality or nostalgia; sub-question: So which is the best Weezer album?
My grandpa died last night. This one. I am sad. My grandmother, from the other side of the family, passed away about a month and a half ago. I was not nearly as sad. Oh, I really want to get drunk.