I am surprisingly not hung over, for a drunken asshole. Last night marked the first time I've ever gone to a bar and gotten fucking wasted without spending a dime. Apparently, I need to do the following:
1. Go to the douchebag bar where Phil works
2. Sit down
3. Laugh at guys' jokes when they aren't funny
4. Speak in cliches
And the next thing I know, I'm fucking hammered and I've done about a bazillion shots, and the last several of them were water, because I scam with the bar. Yes, you can buy me a shot. It's called "The Usual." What kind of a doucheface goes into a bar and gets a shot of The Usual? It was legitimately impressive to these people that I knew the bartenders well enough to do this, and it was annoying to me because that bar is loud and full of ageless frat guys with unfortunate goatees and hair gel.
All you need to do is pretend you don't know what they're talking about and that you find their opinion incredibly interesting, never offer any contradictory arguments. Basically, they say a sentence and then you repeat it back to them in different words. Fucking annoying. I didn't think it would work, but it does.
I said some of the most repulsive things last night.
"I don't know why, but I've always gotten along with guys better than girls."
"I'm not like most girls."
"Of course I don't want to see that movie, I'm a girl." (OMGWTF)
"I like, hate shopping."
The worst part about that? IT WORKS. You try to sound as bland as possible, say how different you are without being different, and everyone wants your number and to take you out for lobster on Wednesday. I actually had a good drunk conversation with one guy, who was surprisingly undouchey, and he's the only one who didn't ask for my number. I even had a guy talk about his wife and newborn child and then offer to take me out to dinner. He was the worst.
If any of them call, I'm still debating on if I should suffer through a free meal.
Fucking secret hand-baff and go home already, but first, buy me another shot of water.