Sunday, September 25, 2011


I am surprisingly not hung over, for a drunken asshole.  Last night marked the first time I've ever gone to a bar and gotten fucking wasted without spending a dime.  Apparently, I need to do the following:

1.  Go to the douchebag bar where Phil works
2.  Sit down
3.  Laugh at guys' jokes when they aren't funny
4.  Speak in cliches

And the next thing I know, I'm fucking hammered and I've done about a bazillion shots, and the last several of them were water, because I scam with the bar.  Yes, you can buy me a shot.  It's called "The Usual." What kind of a doucheface goes into a bar and gets a shot of The Usual?  It was legitimately impressive to these people that I knew the bartenders well enough to do this, and it was annoying to me because that bar is loud and full of ageless frat guys with unfortunate goatees and hair gel. 

All you need to do is pretend you don't know what they're talking about and that you find their opinion incredibly interesting, never offer any contradictory arguments.  Basically, they say a sentence and then you repeat it back to them in different words.  Fucking annoying.  I didn't think it would work, but it does.

I said some of the most repulsive things last night.

"I don't know why, but I've always gotten along with guys better than girls."

"I'm not like most girls."

"Of course I don't want to see that movie, I'm a girl."  (OMGWTF)

"I like, hate shopping."

The worst part about that?  IT WORKS.  You try to sound as bland as possible, say how different you are without being different, and everyone wants your number and to take you out for lobster on Wednesday.  I actually had a good drunk conversation with one guy, who was surprisingly undouchey, and he's the only one who didn't ask for my number.  I even had a guy talk about his wife and newborn child and then offer to take me out to dinner.  He was the worst.  

If any of them call, I'm still debating on if I should suffer through a free meal.

Fucking secret hand-baff and go home already, but first, buy me another shot of water. 



daisyfae said...

Ah. The ages-old moral dilemma: Is it ok to help a douchebag spend his money? Plato struggled with this very issue...

Diary of Why said...

Shots of water. I am loving this. Never stop being drunk and blogging about it, Rass. Rassie. Sorry, I'm not sure how to appropriately shorten your blogging monniker in an affectionate way. The thought that counts, though, right? Rass?

MoLinder said...

pulled a fucking play from lettuce's playbook did you?

Sid said...

Miss the dinasour header!

Kono said...

That bar sounds like a living hell and strangely like the Plastic Paddy, of course no one except the destitute and drug addled talk to me in bars so i'm pretty safe, but i disagree with Daisy, there is no dilemma, always relieve the fools of their money, be it shots or lobster, then laugh as you head towards the door.

JMH said...

Unless you play professional baseball, most goatees are unfortunate.

As for hair gel, I've been using hair texturizer, which is supposed to replicate bedhead, which is stupid onto itself. Why would you even want an inferior replication of something that's so readily available? It's like not using solar energy.

John Dantzer said...

Ever since I've had my unfortunate goatee, I've been wanting to fry whole chickens.