I have many things.
I have, for example, a bathrobe. I also have 2/3 of a box of markers, four bottles of wine, four dead grandparents, 37 envelopes full of old pictures, $2.80 in library late fees, one nut bowl shaped like a walnut containing a handful of empty pistachio shells, and I anticipate having a headache tomorrow.
Currently I have hot spiced wine, which is a thing. And I have been drinking alone which should not be a thing, and I have yet to spill all over my very nice white sweater which is a good thing, and I have been drinking whiskey sours with family and that is a bad ass thing, because that was Grampa's favorite. See all of the things that I have?
I have a memory of my grandmother's funeral back in August (Nonny) where all of my male cousins stood up at the lunch and recounted their fondest moments with her, and Katsisch and I had nothing to say. Katsisch was on fire with anger at ll of their words because she hated Nonny. I can understand that because Nonny ignored us and doted all of her attention on the male cousins, but basically I think she was being dumb. During one particularly heartfelt speech, one of several goddamn thousand, she started shaking and crying uncontrollably. Everyone thought she was sorry to see Nonny go, but in reality she was furious.
I told her to leave. "Go, just go. Come back when you're okay<" I told her. Sorry, I'm durnk and I'm using a lot of backspace right now.
"Why? She was a bitch."
"But not to them. Just leave, calm down. Do it for Dad." and that worked.
And then after all of the stories, when Katsisch and I refused to speak (and Yellavitch was six hours away at grad school, which had started that morning and is a legitimate excuse to not come when Nonny had been losing it, nigh gone, for years) my dad stood up after several glasses of wine and spoke.
"I just want to share a story. So hypothetically, the first female President of the United States is elected. And she wants her parents to come to her inauguration. She calls them to invite them.
'Just come dad,' she says on the phone. 'I'll pay for your ticket.' And her dad says, 'oh, I don't know, I'm not sure if they'll have anything for us to eat.'
'I will have them make any food that you want,' she says.
'Well, we might not be able to afford the flight.'
'Air Force One will pick you up, I will personally see to it.'
'Well, you brother invited us to a football game...'
'There'll be a million more for you,' she says. And it goes on and on, and eventually she convinces them to come. So they do, and after the speeches and all that the Vice President leans over to her dad and he says, 'you must be as proud as I am right now.'
And her dad looks him straight in the eye and says, 'Oh, did your son play football for Notre Dame?'"
Then he laughed, and I laughed, and I've never been more proud of my dad in my life.
I have a new television. Kind of. It was my grandpa's television and it's about twice the size of my old one and the picture is much better, but it has that nigh-undetectable high-pitched buzz going on and I'm worried about any dogs in the area. Enough to make me keep the old TV on the floor next to it just in case it becomes unbearable. It usually goes away after fifteen minutes or so. I have a second couch that also belonged to Grampa and it's in my spare bedroom, because oh yeah: I have a spare bedroom.
I have several cousins that I would number among my best friends, and I have several cousins that would number among minor acquaintances. I have a pipe and a hat that belonged to Grampa, and I have to wear them tomorrow morning at the cemetery. I have a mystery to solve, because I don't know why my uncle rarely talks to the family anymore.
I have to go to the funeral of a person I love tomorrow, and I have to remember to celebrate and be strong even though the Catholics regard this as sober and solemn.
I have to talk to someone right now. I am alone and I have to talk to someone, anyone, and there is no one here.
And I have to remind myself that I have nothing but love, because if I don't have love I don't have anything.