Friday, June 1, 2012

Lies I Have Told

After reading this, I've decided it's time.

It's time to write the blog post I have been putting off for years.  Because no one wants to read this.  Go ahead, stop reading.  But I have to do it and I have to do it now.  It's not a big deal, or anything terrible.  But I need to do it for...let's say therapy.

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My freshman year of college I lied a lot to fit in, which is a good explanation of why it was so hard for me to make friends.

Here, I thought, here I can tell people I have had boyfriends, because everyone cares about boyfriends. Of course I'd never had a boyfriend.  Or a date.

In high school, I was one of those girls who never got asked to a dance.  At fourteen I just asked guys myself.  One dance, I took my friend Dan and he spent the night looking forlornly at other girls and being disinterested, and I realized he didn't want to be there with me, which blew my fucking mind because I thought I was awesome.

Three years later Steve called me an hour before prom to bail and buy drugs.  I was murderous.  I asked him because my 'best friend' Jon - who I spent years blocking from my memory, who had my undying puppy love, who could ask anything of me, who had to have known how much craved him - he told me - and I hate talking about this - he told me he wouldn't go with me because, and I quote, "Well, Rass, you won't impress anyone.  I need to go with...I need to go with a woman."

Holy fuck.

Anyway, so when people asked freshman Rassles about high school, I told them I just broke up with someone. It felt true enough.  I also told them things like, "Well, of course, I could have had sex, but I just haven't found the right guy" which is what all virgins say, but it wasn't true.  No one ever tried.

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I didn't drink my freshman year of college because I thought it was stupid and I had important shit to study so I could be a veterinarian.  Making friends was hard, so I would go to parties by myself and try to meet people.

But people, especially boys, will not talk to sober 18 year old girls.

Sometimes I would just go to a party and buy a solo cup and pretend I had beer. I wanted to fit in so badly.  I tried very hard to pretend to listen to the music everyone seemed to be obsessed with.  I become a Dave Matthews Band fan, an Aerosmith fan, a Jimmy Buffet fan.  I really, really tried. I lied and said my dad took me to a Jimmy Buffet concert once.  My dad doesn't give a shit about Jimmy Buffet. 

But I learned, slowly, that my classmates didn't trust me.  Not because I lied about going to a Jimmy Buffet concert (seriously, what?) but because I didn't get fucked up.

The few friends I made were wary to invite me to parties and usually were ashamed of me when we got there, but I never understood why.  I spent a lot of time saying, "No, go on, I'll be fine." 

Absolutely no one trusted me when I tried to take care of the hammered girls throwing up all over the bathroom, passing out on toilets while their friends took all of the incorrect steps on dealing with a girl on the verge of alcohol poisoning.  They would get angry at me for helping, tell me I was self-righteous, that they could see how I despised them and they would hoist up their tube tops and stumble in their heels, banging their knees on doorframes, wild-eyed and whammered. I tried to nurse of a lot of girls I didn't know.

Then one day in January, I got those looks and exploded. Crying.  Yelling, "YOU KNOW WHY I DON'T GET DRUNK?" I told them that when I was fourteen I went to a college party, blacked out, woke up in a strange house and vowed never to drink again.

Of course, that never happened.

But it was magic.  I had respect. People approached me at parties.  A lot of, "You know, I thought you just were like weird, you know, I didn't know you been there.  I knew there was something about you.  I could tell there was a bigger story, I could tell you were cool, I knew there was a reason, I'm so sorry you went through that..." 

I never even insinuated - I mean, later I learned - and by later, I mean in 2011 - apparently this story morphed into "Rassles got drunk and was raped when she was fourteen."  Which is annoying, but I guess kind of predictable.  Only one person ever asked me that many details, and I told her I didn't remember. 

But people seemed to genuinely care about me.  Only after they thought I was special.  I really resented a lot of them for it. 

Then I came clean to a couple friends years later, and they were all like, "so what? who fucking cares if you lied when you were 18?  We were all assholes" which was awesome.

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Sometimes I think that lie was the worst decision I ever made.  Because of that I lie, I pledged a sorority. Because of that sorority, I didn't transfer schools, I stopped wanting to be a doctor, I started drinking and smoking cigarettes and turned into a general asshole. But I loved every terrible, mood-swinging minute of it.

During pledging, we had to run.  A lot.  And on the first day of running I fell, and a swarm of sorority banshees surrounded me, heckling (Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke piece o' shit, Private Pyle, or did you have to work on it?) and I was pissed, I couldn't fucking believe the garbage they were screaming (I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!) who the ruddy fuck do these ogre harpies think they are, they can go fuck a fencepost for all I care, these (you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up) bone-faced cumdumpsters, I hate them, I hate them...and I yelled that my knee, my knee, oh, my knee...I don't have any cartilage in my knee, I can't run anymore, which shut them up real fucking quick, but was also a lie.

They never even let me try to run after that, whenever I asked, probably because they were afraid I would get seriously hurt, and then the school would kick them out for hazing.  But I felt guilty, I was terrified of not fitting in, I watched my pledgemates run and stumble and endure, I berated myself to sleep and swore that for the next five weeks I would do everything perfectly, that I would help everyone however I could, that I would come clean...

That's the problem with lies.  People are so darn nice about them.  They're so understanding, so worried, so genuine.  

I never did tell them the truth.  This sorority booted liars.  They kicked two of them out of my pledge class.  But they would have kicked me out, I have no doubt.  They had no patience for people who couldn't cut it.  None.  So I just let it go.  

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Oh, it feels nice getting all of these twelve year old lies on the internet.

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5 comments:

Kono said...

You are absolutely right, i never trusted anyone who didn't get fucked up... then again i didn't trust the ones who got to fucked up or lied about being fucked up or tried to hard to be fucked up... and i once pledged a fraternity for three days, was voted pledge class president cuz i was the most fucked up one, then as i was walking to some mandatory function i stopped and was like, "what the fuck?" i'd much rather being doing whatever the hell i wanted then being berated and degraded by a bunch of snivelling little shits, 99% of whom i could beat the shit out of... and that was the end of that.

renalfailure said...

Sorority girls yelling lines from Full Metal Jacket... makes me want to backhand one of them and demand that they stop butchering that which is awesome in more capable hands.

As an advanced liar and bullshitter, I salute you getting as much past those people as you did.

daisyfae said...

i lied my way through much of high school. "yeah. sure. sure i've been kissed! you know that guy back on the other street? the sort of creepy older guy who lives two streets over?"

pretty sure no one believed me.

i should do a 'lies i've told' post. but it would bust my 500 word blog post target. by a lot.

my life got a bit better when i stopped lying about shit. and it was within the past 10 years, by the way....

nursemyra said...

I don't get the whole sorority thing, it sounds horrible. I would tell a multitude of lies to get out of one

Rassles said...

Kono: So, you didn't trust anyone?

RF: These girls were more bad ass than I ever hoped to be. Things like that seemed right coming out of them.

Daisy: a;dkjf;adsjf;klasdjf;klj 500 word posting. That would destroy me.

Nurse: I loved being a par of it. Kind of. Describing my sorority is hard to do, because I get very defensive, and it turns into we were nothing like what you are thinking. You have no idea.