Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Another Conversation I Overheard Between Two Blatant Hipsters

We're walking through Renegade Craft Fair and looking for food.  I've finally given up on Renegade, I think.  My first Renegade (six years ago?) was fucking mind-blowing, and over the past five years it's just spiraling into this clusterfuck of pricey graphic t-shirts and felt jewelry covered with zombies/dinosaurs/robots/unicorns/owls/mustaches/sea monsters or whatever buzzwords are floating around. 

But then again every year there are one or two people that do something so simple and clever that I nearly buy one just because they're rad, and not because I want one.  But more often than not this anthropomorphism gets redundant instead of fantastic, and I feel tired.

I'm sorry to sound so bitter, but it's like...okay, it's like there are only so many times I can have the exact same fucking conversation about craft beers, where I get repeatedly told that I don't like IPAs because I've never had a real IPA, and they are going to introduce me to real IPA because obviously I am incapable of trying new beers on my own.

Thank goodness I have these people to guide me.  By the way, also, thanks for calling me a snob in 2005 when you told me to drink 'real beer' while you sipped your Bud Light.

The most frustrating thing about that conversation, though is that I am that person too, the one who says things like, "if you don't like bloody marys, then you've never had a real bloody mary."  Hell, I did that two weeks ago.  And I do this with movies goddamn constantly.

Then again, beers are far different than movies.  I'm 1000% guilty of telling people they base their opinions on the wrong movies: "I know you say you don't like sci-fi, but that's because you're watching shitty sci-fi.  You can't just throw the whole fucking genre in the garbage because you didn't 'get' Johnny Mnemonic."

Anyway, we're walking through Renegade looking for food, and everything is covered with the latest version of "roasted cauliflower" (the fact that "cauliflower" is a 2012 trend blows my fucking mind) and something that's pickled. Everyone is pickling their shit.  It's crazy.

Jean's style transcends gender.
So we're debating if we should eat some of this highfalutin' hipster food when I notice two heterosexual couples smoking cigarettes and chatting casually about the menu, all four of them - two men and two women - dressed like different versions of Jean Seberg.

A plea to men: I applaud your efforts to be fashion forward and murder sartorial stereotypes.  Congrats!  But if it's imperative that you dress like a Godard film, I would really, really, really appreciate it if you picked a character played by Jean-Paul Belmondo, and it's not because you're dudes and he's a dude...it's because he is a sexy dude. Be sexier is what I'm saying.

Also? Your TOMS look fucking stupid and they always have.

Because I'm nosey and fascinated by things I don't understand, I listen to Couple No. 1 gush over their last date at some restaurant (that probably serves pickled cauliflower), when the gentleman from Couple No. 2 interrupts them.

"You know what?" he said with complete sincerity.  "I don't think I've ever actually had pheasant heart before."

"Oh, you have to go [here, to whatever new asshole restaurant just opened], then.  It's awesome.  I wouldn't even consider ordering it anywhere else."

Fucking paupers.  I eat at least three pheasant hearts a day. I juggle them like fresh cats from the corner apothecary and swallow them whole.

...

13 comments:

MoLinder said...

My neighborhood is on Forbes top 20 list of hipster neighborhoods. I see/hear shit like this all the time. Toms are stupid by the way. And while I’d like to thank you for introducing me to Trois Pistoles, it is the beer which led me to the unfortunate event with the “taxi cab”. And also, check out this hipster move. I’m kind of over IPAs right now (too much of a good thing I guess) so I’m back to shitty Bud light/Coors light. Because I’m that fucking awesome.

Rassles said...

You know my system: drink the cheapest ass beer at the bar. If domestics are $5 or over, fuck it all and go for posh.

Jessica said...

Ha! I went to a restaurant in Wicker Park and there was cauliflower on my grilled cheese. It was delicious, but I had no clue it was a trend. Too funny.

Anonymous said...

My friend, feeding her reluctant infant twins: "I know girls, it's not the best salmon in the world". My reaction? WTF?

Sid said...

Those home made monster boxes are pretty cool.

tysdaddy said...

Holy shit. Roasted cauliflower?! Sounds heavenly . . .

Kono said...

In 10 years you won't give a shit about any of this, you'll just shake your head and smile at the fucking hipsters, see i'm like the original fucking hipster but i chuckle at these kids who try so hard to wear the coolest clothes and eat the hippest foods, fuck that, if you're trying you ain't doing it right motherfuckers... as for IPA's, they suck and always have, maybe if you're on a ship and about to be eaten by a sea monster in the 1600's they would do the trick but otherwise fuck that, Guinness in the winter, PBR and the cheapest Mexican swill i can find in the summer.

Kono said...

and did i mention i almost go into a fist fight with some suit this morning? would have made my fucking week... and Pittsburgh is the new Portlandia, we're like hip without the irony or at least that's what some newspaper said.

Thanatos said...

So... is Dogfish head IPA any good? Even if it is, will people shut the fuck up about it already? Am I the only one who hates IPAs?

Rassles said...

I definitely cannot stand IPAs. But people don't believe me.

daisyfae said...

i have tried repeatedly to like IPAs - always at the insistence of someone quite passionate about them. i do not like them in a box, i do not like them with a fox. Just discovered Trois Pistoles, however, and it is yummy. i will drink anything from Unibroue (which HAS to be pronounced "Uni-BROW", damn it!)

renalfailure said...

I don't like IPA's either. It's a taste I can't seem to acquire. Stouts and porters all the way. Southern Tier stuff I can pour into my Chimay glass and drink like the classy motherfucker I am.

And Trois Pistoles is great, but I have trouble finding it. There's one bar I know that has it, but it's a bar of assholes and I don't want to give those fuckers my money.

MOI said...

har har har. you used a lot of french in this one. très bien.