Friday, January 4, 2013

It must be that I am terrible

For some reason I am worried about something.

I have no idea why.  I don't know what it is.  But suddenly a heavy trepidation came barreling down the hall and punched me in the face, and now I am freaking out over something that is actually nothing, and I want to know what it is.

Typing this is making me anxious.  The usual bodily signs of anxiety are creeping all over - my jaw is too heavy for my face, my eyes are too slick to stay properly in my head, my heart is too small for my chest and my back aches from nothing, so to trick my body into forgetting this I tilt my chin upwards and stretch my neck, open my eyes wide and breath deep, willing all of these body parts shift back into a comfortable state.  I am clenching so hard right now. People probably think I'm wicked constipated.  No, that was last week.

It's embarrassing.  How worried I am.  Panic.  I did something.  Or did someone do something?  To me?  To someone? I feel like I'm losing a war I didn't know I was fighting, or perhaps this is the sign on an impending and inevitable war that I'm doomed to fight?

It must be that I am terrible.  That must be it.  It must be because when I'm uncomfortable I'm incapable of sincerity, which is the result of years of practice. It was a brilliant defense mechanism years ago, and earned me friends, but somehow now that I'm an adult it feels silly and embarrassing, which is the exact opposite effect it's supposed to have in the damn first place. It is supposed to ward off the feelings of embarrassment.  The problem is that I get older and the people around me do likewise - but I am not developing into a functioning adult the same way they are because I'm...afraid?  No, that's not it.  Angry?  No. Guilty?  Yes.  I am guilty.

Spending too much time in my head, turning every word over and over and over - I mean, am I obstreperous? Yes, I would say that I am decidedly obstreperous, at least capable of extreme obstreperosity, but would people agree?  Is this a misrepresentation of self saying, "Rassles is obstreperous" and then backing it up with no volume or brawl?  Shall I fight you for the right to label myself? Do people do this for themselves, or is it just me?  It must be a people thing.  Why would someone fancy themselves obstreperous in the first place?  Is it desirable or disgusting? 

I don't know which, but it definitely is. It exists. That is something.  It means something that I have found a word at all, whether it's applicable to me is irrelevant.  It's the journey. 

The more I describe the journey - how I arrive at a thought, why I drew a conclusion - the more isolated I become.  I do not know anyone who does this outside of artists, really. That means something too. That means I think I'm an artist.


Can an artist be obstreperous?  Oh god, I hope not, that sounds self-involved and terrible. 

It must be that I am terrible.

It's infuriating how many people get journeys wrong, by the way, like because Emerson thinks life is a journey it means journeys are more important than destinations, when the majority of the people I know are strict brain destination people.  It's not that they lack introspection or aren't susceptible to extreme brooding, because they are--it's that they do not feel the need to discuss it, to share it with everyone and analyze how each thought unraveled into the next

Of course, that's not what Emerson was talking about, and you want to agree so you sound free-spirited and spontaneous...but the fact is, agreeing with him is having an opinion, it is not acting.  And action is far more important to this concept than an opinion about an action.

Can I be equally guided by action and opinions about actions? Or must it be one or the other?  If it's up to me, I value action more than opinion - but I have more opinion than action.  Perhaps that's why. 

Would writing this post count as an action, or an opinion about action? Now I'm worried about this.




daisyfae said...

i have a good friend who went on medication for something diagnosed as 'free-floating anxiety'. i don't know if it helped the anxiety, but she started sleeping a lot.... and probably not thinking as much.

Kono said...

I'm for neither action nor opinion... i just abide.

Ellie said...

Slow down, Tiger. :-)

It is amazing how fast one's brain can go.

Enjoy (both the journey and the destination -- I was recently on a 10 hour flight during which I had moments of completely NOT likely the journey and counting hours and minutes to destination. Sometimes, journeys can suck.)

I wouldn't pit opinion against action. Action is surely influenced by opinion; rather they are complementary. Problem is we can't act all the time. Sometimes we just need to sleep. Xx

Thanatos said...

Hi :(

I usually have the exact same set of feelings when I know what's bugging me but I'm also actively engaged in ignoring the root cause. Then when I can't avoid it any longer, I get into even more self loathing. Bleh.

Also. Hi :(

Rassles said...

Daisy: Well, if "free-floating anxiety" means "a sudden onslaught of anxiety that leaves eventually" then I sure had it.

Kono: You abide nothing. You are a fighter. Well, now that you're all suburban dad, this could be different.

Ellie: Ah, yes. Sleep.

Thanny: I am so pissed we couldn't hang out when you were in Chicago.

Thanatos said...

I know, I suck :( But I'm visiting in 10 days again. Let me apologize by buying copious amounts of alcohol.

Chris said...

I once told my CEO that I was worried that her draft of the company's annual strategy statement might frighten the employees (It started with the words, "The company cannot survive without ..." ). She said she worried that it wouldn't frighten them enough. Anxiety is action. Unfortunately, it usually comes attached to the opinion that we suck. Which you obviously do not.