Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Seriously, Though, Don't Listen To Me

I avoid Yelp mostly because I think Yelp reviewers (most kinds of reviewers) are a pack of irritable screaming narcissists.

The only way Yelp is going to be effective in the least is by scouring the profiles of a bunch of whiny prima donnas to find one like myself, which can only end in bloodshed. Such is my curse.

This, of course, is coming from an extremely low-profile blogger who is also an ex-reviewer (of goddamn blogs, no less) that has never amounted to anything as a writer but continues to fling gunky brain-glops all over the internet at every opportunity like a monkey with a fistful of poop. No one should be listening to me but me.

But people love Yelp.  I guess people just love being told what their opinion should be about shit in general.  They love reading movie reviews to decide what to watch (there are these things, you guys, called movie trailers, you should check them out) they love Consumer Reports and TripAdvisor and lists of bestselling books, and they love forming an opinion based upon those previously existing opinions ("I don't know, it's only got two stars on Yelp"). In a capitalist society I understand we want to get the highest value for our money, but come on.  That's a fucking terrible reason to rely on other people's opinions.  Why do you let strangers control your choices over the only things you can truly choose? Why don't you learn things for yourself?

Granted, that's the kind of thought process that leads to toad-kissing and cocaine, but...shut up. All this mildly ties into that Domer who made up his girlfriend, to which I say, um, who gives a shit? So have thousands of other teenagers.  He lied about something and people started to care about leukemia because of it - this is bad how?  Because people had feelings about the health of their fellow fucking man?  THAT IS A GOOD RESULT.  Just pretend you were watching Nicholas Sparks movies, which, by the way, are also fucking fictional, and it does not matter how emotionally damaged I am, Channing Tatum is not going come along and tell me that we are actually married but I don't remember because of a terrible accident and I just have to goddamn accept that.

But there are gullible people believing everything they read on the internet, which is the one place where amateurs can actually lie about whatever the fuck they want with zero consequences and plus there is porn of everything except for me and Channing Tatum and I vow to remedy that. 

So then we all struggle around barking and rearranging other people's words all fucking day, and journalists regurgitate more words and we regurgitate theirs and it's this huge international game of telephone that never ends and nothing ever gets done about it.  Here's hoping this wonderful media fuck-up because people DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH changes all that.

 At the same time...don't listen to me.  Two reasons:

1) Don't be me.  There can be only one.
2) You just keep on keepin on.  But do it because it's what you want, not because it's what other people tell you to want.  Doesn't letting strangers make your decisions for you take the fun out of everything?  When you want to learn something, teach yourself.



jon said...

Yelp reviews : canned vegetables ::

Your own opinions : vegetables from your garden.

And you have no idea if the person who canned those vegetables knows the first thing about safe canning techniques.

Yelp can give you botulism.

Sid said...

Oh wow. I know exactly which C Tatum film you're referring to. I watched some of it, and then walked out. Such a bad, bad, bad film.

Diary of Why said...

Well, but. Learning for yourself is all well and good, but if I'm going to be in a city only once in my whole life, I like to do a little research and make sure my hotel isn't a shithole. I mean, it's one thing to know that in retrospect, but it's a whole lot more helpful to know in advance, no?

Rassles said...

Jon, yes.

Sid, unfortunately, I have NOT seen it, although I plan on watching one day when I feel particularly lonely.

Rachel, eh. I like taking a chance. I've stayed at many a shithole - once, I had old blankets duct-taped over a window for curtains and the door didn't lock, but there was a wire we looped around the handle to keep the burglars at bay. Terrible, terrible place. But it makes me appreciate the good ones all the more.

Natalie Chamuca said...

I made a Yelp account last week, because I told some crazy Asian guy I would review his phone repair business. Then I received a Yelp newsletter for Portland, which has a summation of the best reviews for the week or month or something.

Here is an excerpt of the sheer pretentiousness:

Carb counting be damned! Anna Marie C goes glutton for “fresh flavor combos” at Blue Star Donuts. Think “blueberry bourbon basil and maple bacon. They're huge and freshly dipped. Knives and forks are definitely recommended.” Anna B screams, “Dear. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. Claus.” over Donutorama's “creme brûlée beignet. It should be illegal. It's a little yeasty pillow of dough filled with a delicate vanilla custard” finished with a “brûlée crust all around.” Meanwhile, Chris S glows over the “huge wood-fire stove” at Tabor Bread. Imagine “you're at home and you hired a personal baker to come make you impossibly delicious and large loaves.”

Rassles said...

RACHEL! Plus, doing research is THE POINT of what I just wrote - but doing research and reading the reviews of a layperson with an ego complex are two completely different things.

Kono said...

Maybe this show's my age but... What the fuck is Yelp? the only time i read reviews are (big surprise here) for books and music and even then i take most reviews with a grain of or more correctly several hundred grains of salt (along with a bong hit or two), at this point i know what i like so i don't need any help... of course the fact that half the time i'm reading obscure shit and listening to wanking indie rock means are scarce but they're still out there... now i'm going to go YelP.

Rassles said...

Yelp is kind of like social networking WITH businesses - a business has its own page on Yelp and customers can write reviews of the business on that page.

The nice thing about Yelp is you can use it to find businesses in your area (restaurants, bars, venues, the dentist's office) but pretty much any search engine can do that.

The shitty thing about Yelp is everything else.