I wrote this incredibly long blog post about Star Wars.
Not posting it. (Yet?)
The most interesting thing that came out of writing 42 inches of ramblings on fucking Star Wars - something I never, ever in my life expected I would do - was that I feel an intense shame at loving something so cliche. Even something as simple, universal, and super duper neato as Star Wars.
Instead of posting I berated myself for looking into things too deeply, for being embarrassed because I care about something. I'm not proud to love something childhood-defining like Star Wars anymore. I feel trite and generic and unsuitable, I feel the premature (and totally unlikely) slings and barbs from millions of internet strangers who will judge me for the banality of my mind and HOLY MOTHBALLS am I afraid of being wrong and being judged by those who are more worthy of attention. I'm afraid of being pigeonholed into a girl who does things to impress people instead of a person who wants to do them. I'm afraid of being a fraud. No, that's a lie. I'm afraid of people thinking I'm a fraud.
I know I am not a fraud.
Now I'm mad about something that hasn't happened yet. ACCEPT THE WAY I VIEW MYSELF WITHOUT PROOF, PEOPLE. I AM SPECIAL. I DEMAND YOU BELIEVE THAT I WROTE THIS THING THAT WOULD ESTABLISH AN OPINION, BUT I AM NOT SHARING THAT OPINION WITH YOU.
I'm adhered to old personality traits to an unhealthy degree, identifying with
a self that brought me so much social discomfort that I won't let go out
of sheer obstinence (fuck you, word derivations, this is way better than
obstinateness) or for fear of losing my identity, when in reality identity is
something we create rather than succumb to. We build upon our natural tendencies and choose to show people what we are comfortable showing.
The identity that I've created for myself, it appears, is built upon anger, bitterness, humor, otherness. I'm sure of who I am but really unsure as to why. That's why is Star Wars is relevant.
Obviously this is not really about Star Wars at all, it's about every form of entertainment I gravitate towards and how I allow them to shape my perception of myself and the world. But it's also about how I allow my feelings about these stories shape how I see myself, it's about how I congratulate myself because I value specific things. That's fucked. (It's okay if I'm lonely, I am a "good" judge of television shows!)
Please allow me to nerd out:
Right now nerds are a hot topic (well, let's be honest, nerds have been a hot topic for years) because of the obvious things: the generation of people who grew up feeling shame for loving things now resent the universal acceptance younger fans have in society and the world at large. Since the elders have been trained to feel shame for their very existence, they now feel it for resenting these young fans because this is what they wanted for themselves, and they worked hard to make things easier for the next generation of "nerds", who aren't even nerds anymore because nerds are "overly intellectual, obsessive, or socially impaired," and nerdy interests are no longer things that make one a social outcast. The elders are jealous.
So instead of admitting the above paragraph is for true, elder nerds call the newcomers fake and phony, which is fucking stupid. It's a purely selfish thing.
It's purely selfish and narcissistic for me to refuse to give a reader the chance to make a decision about me, as a person, unless I've guided them strategically towards that decision. It makes me controlling.
I've never wanted to write about the topic of nerds. There are people out there that are better suited for those writings, people that are respected, people who beat the topic into the foundation of the internet, people who do not need someone to validate their expertise. Besides, who wants to read my thoughts on that crap? Throwing more water in the rat soup will yield more soup, but it doesn't improve the taste.
Fuck it. I'm going to post my thoughts on this shit because I fucking damn well want to, and I don't care if it bores you. Once I started to believe I was abnormal and wrong as a person I turned paranoid. No more.
This year for Lent: I am giving up guilt and shame.