Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Giving It Up

I wrote this incredibly long blog post about Star Wars

Not posting it.  (Yet?)

The most interesting thing that came out of writing 42 inches of ramblings on fucking Star Wars - something I never, ever in my life expected I would do - was that I feel an intense shame at loving something so cliche.  Even something as simple, universal, and super duper neato as Star Wars

Instead of posting I berated myself for looking into things too deeply, for being embarrassed because I care about something.  I'm not proud to love something childhood-defining like Star Wars anymore.  I feel trite and generic and unsuitable, I feel the premature (and totally unlikely) slings and barbs from millions of internet strangers who will judge me for the banality of my mind and HOLY MOTHBALLS am I afraid of being wrong and being judged by those who are more worthy of attention.  I'm afraid of being pigeonholed into a girl who does things to impress people instead of a person who wants to do them. I'm afraid of being a fraud.  No, that's a lie.  I'm afraid of people thinking I'm a fraud.

I know I am not a fraud.  

Now I'm mad about something that hasn't happened yet. ACCEPT THE WAY I VIEW MYSELF WITHOUT PROOF, PEOPLE.  I AM SPECIAL. I DEMAND YOU BELIEVE THAT I WROTE THIS THING THAT WOULD ESTABLISH AN OPINION, BUT I AM NOT SHARING THAT OPINION WITH YOU.

Maybe I'm adhered to old personality traits to an unhealthy degree, identifying with a self that brought me so much social discomfort that I won't let go out of sheer obstinence (fuck you, word derivations, this is way better than obstinateness) or for fear of losing my identity, when in reality identity is something we create rather than succumb to.  We build upon our natural tendencies and choose to show people what we are comfortable showing.

The identity that I've created for myself, it appears, is built upon anger, bitterness, humor, otherness.  I'm sure of who I am but really unsure as to why.  That's why is Star Wars is relevant.  

Obviously this is not really about Star Wars at all, it's about every form of entertainment I gravitate towards and how I allow them to shape my perception of myself and the world.  But it's also about how I allow my feelings about these stories shape how I see myself, it's about how I congratulate myself because I value specific things.  That's fucked. (It's okay if I'm lonely, I am a "good" judge of television shows!)

Please allow me to nerd out:

Right now nerds are a hot topic (well, let's be honest, nerds have been a hot topic for years) because of the obvious things:  the generation of people who grew up feeling shame for loving things now resent the universal acceptance younger fans have in society and the world at large.  Since the elders have been trained to feel shame for their very existence, they now feel it for resenting these young fans because this is what they wanted for themselves, and they worked hard to make things easier for the next generation of "nerds", who aren't even nerds anymore because nerds are "overly intellectual, obsessive, or socially impaired," and nerdy interests are no longer things that make one a social outcast. The elders are jealous.  

So instead of admitting the above paragraph is for true, elder nerds call the newcomers fake and phony, which is fucking stupid.  It's a purely selfish thing.  

It's purely selfish and narcissistic for me to refuse to give a reader the chance to make a decision about me, as a person, unless I've guided them strategically towards that decision.  It makes me controlling.

I've never wanted to write about the topic of nerds.  There are people out there that are better suited for those writings, people that are respected, people who beat the topic into the foundation of the internet, people who do not need someone to validate their expertise.  Besides, who wants to read my thoughts on that crap?  Throwing more water in the rat soup will yield more soup, but it doesn't improve the taste.

Fuck it. I'm going to post my thoughts on this shit because I fucking damn well want to, and I don't care if it bores you.  Once I started to believe I was abnormal and wrong as a person I turned paranoid.  No more.

This year for Lent: I am giving up guilt and shame.

...

9 comments:

daisyfae said...

i remember being being too embarassed to share the things i really loved. it started to get less frequent as i moved through my 30's. by the time i was well into my 40's, i was pretty much over it.

fuck or fuck off.

start to cast off the guilt and shame. rassles be rassles.

renalfailure said...

I think there's a certain feeling in nerdity where the authenticity of your nerd-dom is defined by the pain, isolation, and sacrificed effort and resources made in pursuit of it. It's a defense mechanism to ward off those who would feign interest just to inflict misery through some sort of betrayal. A password almost to ensure those who get let into the nerd clubhouse are truly who they claim to be.

Rassles said...

Daisy, the funny thing about that is I never did that in my 20s. It's a shift backwards for me, and I think it's because I read things written by too many judgey assholes on the internet. It would be one thing if by this time in my life I had an established identity as a professional or mother or something, but I'm still entirely influenced by my peers - why? Because I don't have anything fucking better to do.

RF, I completely and totally agree.

Kono said...

I guess i'm lucky cuz i never really gave a shit what anybody else thought, i'm instilling that same trait into the boyos, of course sometimes it makes life easier and other times it makes it harder but in the end you just feel a whole lot better liking what you like and not giving a fuck if the asshole on the barstool next to you agrees with you or not, of course i'm not Gandhi and am guilty of just what RF states, i've baited people in just to tear them to shreds, of course i didn't restrict my cruelty to "nerds", i'm an equal opportunity dickhead but i'd like to think that i've learned my lessons and am not such a dickhead any more, i guess it's called maturity or some such shit but i'm hardly a grown-up, listen to that Daisy woman, she's knows, in fact i'm thinking of getting a t-shirt made, like the old Bo Knows Nike shirts but it's just gonna say Daisy Knows...

jon said...

I find it helps to refer to guilt and shame as Gilda & Shane. These two are bad friends, but we've known each other forever.

It probably disturbs the neighbors, but it feels pretty good to yell out "Shut the fuck up, Gilda" or "Shane, I'll shit in your mouth" while in my apartment alone.

Happy Lent!

Mathdude said...

I'm kinda with Kono. My high school years coincided with the Sex Pistols and the Ramones. Kinda set the tone for not giving a crap what people say or think.

Mathdude said...

BTW, you do a great job writing. Why did I stay away for 3 years with stuff like this in the blogosphere?

Jessica said...

I've never seen Star Wars. I don't understand why people are obsessed. I don't care to find out. I think it looks lame from a distance.

(In case you couldn't tell, this was a pep talk to cheer you up.)

Rassles said...

Daisy, thank you for your words of power and encouragement. That sounds lame when I read it back to myself, but it doesn't make it any less true. You're always so fucking rad about that.

RF, for true. I'm trying to learn how to be happy that people are enjoying things instead of being kind of pissed that they didn't pay their dues.

Kono, that's because you are Kono, and you were never a lonely nerdy girl. And I'm completely thankful for that, since you got perspective and shit.

Jon, Lent for everyone!

Math, (a) I am so fucking glad you're back, and (b) I'm starting to get there. Slowly but surely.

Jessica, then you're in luck, because I'm going to write about Star Wars and it's going to be terribly exciting. probably not.