Friday, March 8, 2013

Blog Awards Are Hard

First of all Renal Failure is a dick and he knows I hate this shit and he knows I will fucking do it anyway, and the fact that he knows both of these things makes me even more infuriated and ensures necessary italics to properly convey my intense displeasure and secret glee. 

In case people out there don't know...a Blog Award is when a bunch of people who still cling to their blogs with intense vanity all clump into a quixotic back-scratching chain, where we pretend we are relevant to the internet and by extension the world because we don't post pictures of our food.

So now I have a blog award, whatever that means, and I'm supposed to answer questions and then ask someone else and I'm supposed to post a picture of the award, but it's stupid looking so I won't. You're gonna love this.

     11 QUESTIONS     

1. What do you like for the sole reason of everyone else hating it?
 That's just a fuckstick question. 

The reason that this is so hard is because pop culture has changed so much.  Things that were previously reviled are now celebrated with irony and zeal.  The closest thing I can think of to answer that question is putting this out there: I have a growing love for Tom Cruise, and the more people that hate on him the more they fuel my love.

People didn't always hate on Tom Cruise.  When I was young and silly and I didn't know any better and he was Tom Motherfucking Cruise and he lorded over Hollywood with that fat brilliant nose and eyes like fangs, and I accepted him as royalty because, well, that's what they told me to think. 

Then somewhere it all fell apart, sometime around Eyes Wide Shut which is when we all realized that TC burns his ego like gasoline, and he has reservoirs the size of Saudi Arabia.  Then everyone was all, "Scientology is bad and TC made Oprah feel weird" and it's like, you know he was acting, right?  

And now people hate him, but TC keeps going, he blazes through every scene with more fucking guts and rapture than 90% of the actors out there and their 'realism' and 'subtlety.' But I'm off the bandwagon.  Fuck that.  Tom Cruise is a GODDAMN TOUR DE FORCE.

I love the scene in Risky Business where he pulls the catcher's mask over his face when he calls Lana for the first time, and we can feel his fear and shame and thirst.  I love watching him wheel around in Born on the Fourth of July while he snots and froths like a shaggy screaming rabbit, I love him in Magnolia and The Color of Money (oh my god, I love his hair in tCoM) and Jerry Maguire.  Yeah.  I said Jerry MaguireJerryFuckingMaguire.  Did you watch that last video?  Did you see the veins throbbing in his forehead while his eyes burned with rabies?  That's just the beginning, people (now that I think of it, the more people hate on Jerry Maguire the more I love Jerry Maguire.  But not Renee Zellweger). I loved him in Knight and Day.  Mission Impossible.  Rock of Ages. Far and Away, terrible accent and all.  Jack Reacher.  And of course - the scene where TC showed the world once again that he is the Dominator of Everyone, and that's not just because of Luda.

You go on hating TC, you pansy-ass sucktards, because you're just making it better for me.

2. Worst illness or injury?
There's the time one side of my face swelled up and I took fuckloads of Tylenol so when I finally could see a doctor they thought I might have liver cancer, and then there was the time I had an abscess removed from my armpit, but I think the worst was the summer I didn't realize I was allergic to lotion and my hands exploded with blisters for three months.

3. What language do you wish you were fluent in?
Probably Japanese.  Or Korean.  Because then I would understand what food I was ordering.

4. Stout or IPA?
Stout.  Without question. 

5. Favorite holiday that isn’t widely celebrated?
February 28.  Will you be my constant?

6. Are you in a current blood feud with anyone and why?
I'm thinking about entering one with you right now, RF, because you tricked me into filling out this fucking survey, but then again you gave me a reason to talk about Tom Cruise, so I forgive you.

I have had nemeses before - one was...let's call her "Kelly LarryLovesLana Kapowski" (seriously, this girl had a middle name like that) from college, and she took a massive disliking to me for no reason that I can think of and tried to convince my friends to stop talking to me. No idea why. 

7. Which Renal Failure player are you dressing up as for your next costume-required social event?
The Crimson Paraplegic, because wheelchairs are super fun and then I can do my TC Born on the Fourth of July impression.

8. Your weapon of choice?
Crossbow.  NO!  Ballistic knife.  NO!  A bowling ball.  NO!  The pen. 

9. Who are bigger rapists? Football players or lacrosse players? Show your work.
Football players.  Easy peasy lemon squeezey.  I don't like googling "football rape."  It leads to odd places.

10. Most hated karaoke song that other people sing regularly?
Two years ago I would say Kid Rock and Sheryl Crowe's "Picture," but I haven't heard it in so long that it doesn't bother me anymore.  

11. Which Renal Failure player would you want as your eternal roommate and why?
You, RF. 


1.  I am looking forward to getting gray hair. 

2.  On Tuesday I ate at least 6oz of peanut butter M&Ms.

3.  My least favorite phrase is "throw under the bus." Anyone who writes professionally should never, ever, ever write anything about throwing or things that are "under the bus" unless they are (a) deliberately making fun of people who use that expression, or (b) talking about Speed.  Caveat: if you are referencing Speed, accur-atize your fucking prepositions.  It's "BOMB ON BUS."  Throwing under the bus is pretty much the stupidest thing humans have ever said outside the Realms of Isms, which is totally a place. 

4.  My DVD player is slowly dissolving, like a heart in unrequited love.  Does this mean I must now purchase a blu-ray player?  Can my wallet withstand the pressure?

5.  Something I discovered very recently: I can be lulled into a crush on nearly any guy with a spoken cadence who smiles when he looks me in the eye and regularly brushes his teeth. I have no way of weeding out douchebags and evil geniuses until I look back on a conversation and realize he mentioned he eats raw bunnies and pheasant hearts for breakfast, but he spoke so beautifully that I was all, "oh, I've never had that, but it sounds delicious."

6.  I firmly believe that bullying is the result of too much ego and has very little to do with insecurity.

7.  One time Neil Gaiman said to me, "Is that a hyena on your shirt? Brilliant." I kind of have a thing for hyenas.  Actually, hyenas would work for the Tom Cruise category too.  And they just brought hyenas to Chicago for the first time in decades, so I'm super going to the zoo when I get the chance.  I found The Hyena and Other Men five years ago on Amazon and I never bought it because it was $100 - now it's over $400 and I regret my frugality.

8.  I'm extremely defensive of the Midwest.

9.  Pictures of The Lion of Lucerne make me cry like an asshole.  Poor valiant, dead lion, who sacrificed his life because it was his job and not because he believed in something bullshit, but he won, even in death.  The bastard got 'em.  

10.  I watch PBS more than any other channel.  Who needs cable?

11.  From this point forward, I refuse to succumb to a case of the prollynots, which is a word I invented ten minutes ago.

Who should answer all these questions?  Honestly I would totally have picked RF, but then this will turn into a blog war of infinite mirrors and no one wants that.  Therefore, using RF's logic, I will pick the person that will be the most annoyed: Kono.

1.  What are your top five favorite movies?  Not the greatest.  Your favorites.  Five.  No more. No less. Five shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be five. Six shalt thou not count, neither count thou four, excepting that thou then proceed to five. Seven is right out.

2.  If you could ask Werner Herzog one question, what would it be?

3.  If Werner Herzog answered your shitty question, what would you want his answer to be? 

4.  If you could see any musician/band, in any venue, during any time, with any crowd, what would you choose?  This doesn't need to make sense, it could be like, "Kanye West at the signing of the Declaration of Independence with our forefathers and James Van Der Beek, but they're all in the ancient Roman Colosseum and Caligula is wicked pissed."

5.  How do you feel about white guys with dreadlocks?

6.  What is the largest kind of animal that you could wrestle and emerge victorious?

7.  What's the most beautiful sound you've ever heard?

8.  Do you have a "no fatties" t-shirt?  Be honest.

9.  What's the one book you want to make sure your boyos read?

10.  Three bloggers walk into a bar.  Finish the joke.

11.  How would you break out of prison?

Now that that's over with, if anyone else wants to play I say go for it.  Thanks for playing, folks.



Kono said...

You know i'm all high on pills and booze and it's saturday night and i got two boyos with like colds and shit and i'm just fucking about on the interwebs and i get this? i mean shit Razz what did i do to you? i don't unnerstan this shit but i'll give it a shot when i'm sober, oh wait that's practically never, or in the next few days when i'm not staring out the window or washing dishes, hell i'm a bit fuzzy right now so i don't even know what i'm supposed to be answering but i'll figure it out... and you fucking nailed it when you said i'd be annoyed, luckily i'm like easy going and shit, i hope i didn't win some fucking award cuz i've never won one a blog award and after six fucking years don't plan on starting now... alright i gotta do some bong hits...

daisyfae said...

excellent choice. i kinda wish kono would have answered this last night...

Chris said...

I'm now working on the theory that insecurity is a result of too much ego. Liking it so far.

Rassles said...


Daisy: You could answer them too, if you'd like.

Chris: Hmmmm. Maybe. We've been trained to think that people have an inflated sense of self-worth to overcompensate for insecurities, but I've never believed that as universal reasoning. Sometimes people just believe they are better and act accordingly, and it's not because they don't love themselves. It's because they love themselves too much, and beat down anything that will threaten the image they've created for themselves.

Kono said...

Is there like a time frame cuz i've been way into my recreational drugs these days which means i avoid typing anything of substance... not to say i've ever typed anything of substance but maybe what i mean is like thinking about shit and stuff...

Rassles said...

Kono, you don't even have to do it. But it would be awesome. And take your time - it took me two weeks.

Kono said...

I'll do it Razz don't you worry, maybe this weekend since i'm taking the weekend off cuz there will be to many amateurs inhabiting the bars yelling "Erin Go Brah bro" and since Nick Disaster is in the midst of a now over weeklong illness, of course i did stock up on Guinness and recreational drugs so i could get sidetracked, just saying...

Anonymous said...

I like that you have secret glee that I know how to be a super dick to you.